A while ago I came across
this article: The
12 pillars of Polyamory for Everyone.
As
I’m looking through the list I’m agreeing with every one of the pillars until I
got to number 12 – compersion. The
definition (from both the Ethical Slut and More than Two) is: A feeling of joy experienced when a partner
takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship. The definition that this article gives
is: the idea that you can experience joy
when someone you care about is happy, even if you’re not the source of that happiness. While I do experience joy when someone I care
about is happy, I would not call that compersion. I call that just being happy. The article didn’t do a good job about
selling compersion in a relationship.
There’s a difference about being happy for someone and compersion.
Now
I understand that the word compersion was formed in the poly community along
with its definition. I would guess that the word was formed to differentiate
between being generally happy for someone and being happy for someone
sexually. However, we mono/open people don’t
always have to do the complete compersion dance every time our partners find
someone; and – much to the shock of the poly community – it’s ok to do so! We
can take compersion to a point.
First
off, you have to have compersion to some extent or else we would not be with
our poly partners. We know that this is
who they are and that there will be others in our partner’s lives besides
us. If you’re tolerating it thinking
that they will “grow out of it” or giving your partner grief over others, then
I suggest you assess your relationship to see if it’s right for you. But if you understand that this is who they
are then you can do a little compersion dance when your partner finds another
because – again – this is their wiring.
M has been friends for many years with D. Recently they have sat down and talked about
having a close friend relationship (right now no sex – their agreement). They enjoy each other’s company and are happy
going out together. Our rule is that I
would like to meet anyone M is interested in.
She’s good people and we all get along well too. I have talked to M about this relationship
and he appears to be happy about it; so if he’s happy, then I’m happy. If and when they decide to take it to the
next level, will I be doing the compersion dance? The answer is: I know that M would be happy and that I know
D; but my mono wiring will kick in and I will have to deal with that. Normal
stuff us mono/open people go through.
It’s compersion to a point.
Now
you don’t have to do the compersion dance if you don’t like the person that
your partner is with. That’s ok too! Just because the word compersion is out in
the world doesn’t mean that we mono/open people have to embrace it fully. The poly world would like everyone to fully
understand and do the complete compersion dance. I say do the compersion dance at your own
pace.
