tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post6954186374056590807..comments2023-08-06T11:33:42.383-04:00Comments on The Mono/Poly Relationship – it does work!: The Shiny New Toy Syndrome aka SNTscarlett willowhttp://www.blogger.com/profile/14023415727406453565noreply@blogger.comBlogger36125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-20053949473989121362023-01-10T07:34:24.658-05:002023-01-10T07:34:24.658-05:00Tanks for your blog Scarlett, I've read it com...Tanks for your blog Scarlett, I've read it completely. I think it will help me and my partner in our situation. I would love to keep reading you! Regards from Spain!!!Riphamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/03726813073093618745noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-40180317371093720122021-09-11T06:06:54.135-04:002021-09-11T06:06:54.135-04:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.dave denishttps://www.blogger.com/profile/00089090184140179001noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-19215604126605249852020-05-11T14:28:10.607-04:002020-05-11T14:28:10.607-04:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.Adminhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/12530038234633457974noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-50206385293251031002019-12-30T01:52:46.170-05:002019-12-30T01:52:46.170-05:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01682112137579554169noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-23412017128364457592019-12-09T23:21:04.385-05:002019-12-09T23:21:04.385-05:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.Madonaldohttps://www.blogger.com/profile/05637720202380079008noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-90975449957824816582019-08-15T09:40:17.160-04:002019-08-15T09:40:17.160-04:00Thanks for the push! Things are a bit hectic righ...Thanks for the push! Things are a bit hectic right now but I will write something in Sept. PROMISE!scarlett willowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14023415727406453565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-90805397797529832192019-06-12T02:23:17.404-04:002019-06-12T02:23:17.404-04:00Well its been a while since you have not posted an...Well its been a while since you have not posted any blog. I have been waiting for your next blog.<br /><br /><a href="https://technologymoon.com/" rel="nofollow">Write For Us</a>Ayushhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/02917378570666498725noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-78274130910537213762019-04-25T01:38:42.776-04:002019-04-25T01:38:42.776-04:00Pitschi - “polyamory had a lot to do with fear of ...Pitschi - “polyamory had a lot to do with fear of commitment”<br /><br />To a degree, I agree Pitschi, but I also think it’s far, far more complex than that.<br /><br />In my case, my choice to be poly is a direct result of having had past relationships where I felt controlled in many different ways more than is healthy. Rather than continue to repeat the same mistakes by blindly following the template I was handed while growing up, it caused me to consider what I believe my ideal romantic and life partnership would be.<br /><br />Rather than the simple definitions of love which mean “dependence”, “infatuation”, “liking”, “having sex”, “feeling good”, I considered them to be based on real love. The type of love where a person will just delight in the other being themselves. The one where a person will make huge sacrifices for the benefit of the other, even anonymously, so that their lives are better. The love that includes working for the long term benefit of the other that will only become apparent in 10 or 20 years. The love that can only be had between healthy adults who are okay by themselves and are secure in their own worth, not needing to get that worth from the other.<br /><br />I concluded that “healthy adults” means those that also love and value themselves, have good boundaries, communicate successfully and clearly, remember and honour their commitments, admit their mistakes, seek forgiveness from those they have wronged, understand themselves and their own needs and desires, are self-reflective and committed to their own personal growth.<br /><br />So, in a relationship, I want a peer, one who will accept my desire for freedom and exploration, learning and growth, one who will walk with me on the journey of life where we work together facing the challenges that we are faced.<br /><br />Since my last comment on this thread my wife divorced me, we’re in the midst of a family court process, allegations of domestic violence have been thrown backwards and forwards and I’ve become an activist against domestic violence towards everyone regardless of gender.Paul Moorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01056676946309237324noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-73442717941049069822019-04-11T08:49:58.717-04:002019-04-11T08:49:58.717-04:00This comment has been removed by the author.bipulhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16154235309382380906noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-13428988450822676192018-06-24T15:35:22.932-04:002018-06-24T15:35:22.932-04:00Oh my! Exactly how I'm feeling right now.Oh my! Exactly how I'm feeling right now.Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-79975547291036989752018-04-29T10:31:27.487-04:002018-04-29T10:31:27.487-04:00Dear Amelia, it's been five years, and we have...Dear Amelia, it's been five years, and we have a history from before my very intimate marriage of 26 years. And you sound perfect to be able to cherish the baby while getting rid of the bathwater! You are self sufficient and just might be able to learn to enjoy your independence while still cherishing a loving friendship with that good man who has been a good companion to you for 25 years. How intimate that will be is your choice. Your job now is to focus on yourself, get rid of any bitterness, find the new opportunities of growth and development that your situation offers. You are in the driver seat, and going away for a while is a fantastic idea! You will find so many strengths in you that you didn't know you had. I wish I could give you a hug. PitschiPitschihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18047381479018305514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-610707819426697342018-04-29T06:05:04.600-04:002018-04-29T06:05:04.600-04:00Dear Pitschi, thank you for writing back. How long...Dear Pitschi, thank you for writing back. How long were you involved with your polyamorous man? I'm wondering if it's too late for me to change - if I knew years ago I could have left him so much easier before having kids, giving up my career and generally building a life together. To learn to put up with this... I don't know that I can. Or that I really want to. Actually, I don't care if I don't find another man. I do not need a man to complete me. I can PRETEND to myself he is dead and therefore uncontactable and move far away so I never have to see him again. If he was dead, I'd still have to learn to get along without him, and by no means, is any kind of love guaranteed to last a lifetime. So I refuse to remain stuck with him just because I'm worried I might never meet another good man like him. And he was a good man. Of course I wouldn't - but the possibility is there that I would find someone else different, who I may have an even better relationship with. Although being alone is far more likely but at least I wouldn't feel so... it's indescribable. Just because I loved him for 25 years does not mean that love is unconditional and hell no there is no way I can be happy for him being with someone else - why would I be happy for him?? HOW?? Go marry her then! When the Wedding vow includes "forsaking all others"? And now he's broken that sacred promise to me? How can I? I'm not his Mum, to be looking after him while he goes out chasing other people to be intimate with, just so he has a nice hotel to come back to when he feels like it. Yes, I was happy, and now I am not. Why should I suddenly be happy that he wants to be with someone else - and keep me around in his back pocket to fall back on when he gets dumped? It's actually worse that he didn't just divorce me so I can get on with my life. To put me in this position - it's really unfair. Yes, I still love him, but I will stop loving him soon enough the longer this goes on. I think going away for a time may help clarify things for me. I'll try that. - AmeliaAnonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-77197570204787391652018-04-28T14:57:51.518-04:002018-04-28T14:57:51.518-04:00Dear Anonymous, this is Pitschi, maybe you have re...Dear Anonymous, this is Pitschi, maybe you have read earlier comments by me (that Scarlet mostly misunderstood). I am still intimate friends with the polyamourous man with whom I cohabited for a while, and I have learned to cherish what we have and not worry about his other relationships. My main problem is probably that there are sometimes long stretches that we don't see or hear from each other, and I feel disconnected. However that is always quickly remedied when we are together again. Another problem is that being monoamorous by nature, it is unlikely that I will ever find the kind of relationship you and I dream of while I am with him. However, would we find it? You love the man you are with, despite his having "polybombed" you, and for 25 years you were a mostly happy couple, I gather from what you write... Aren't you able to just continue to love him, to feel compersion for him, to enrich your life with what you enjoy, while cherishing what you have with him? Perhaps it would help to move out of the shared home to get the distance you need to do that? Isn't the quarter century you shared worth the effort? A new relationship, if you did find one, would also be a lot of work. I wish you lots of strength and hope that you find happiness above all in and from yourself.Pitschihttps://www.blogger.com/profile/18047381479018305514noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-50369901930075531902018-04-27T22:20:23.248-04:002018-04-27T22:20:23.248-04:00After being with my partner for quarter of a centu...After being with my partner for quarter of a century,he polybombed me.<br /><br />I am not jealous of envious. I had no real choice given me about it. I am ambivalent it can work because it makes me want to puke, knowing he is with someone else. I am ready to walk out - I am not insecure and being alone is preferable to being torn apart all the time.<br /><br />That you still hurt when your M is out after 5 years... I don't know how long I can do this, definitely not 5 years. <br /><br />It hurts that I can say with my whole heart, he means everything to me and he can no longer truly say the same to me because he doesn't.<br /><br />Yes, my partner truly is poly, he is not a cheater because I know - I had to consent under duress. I've read a lot and haven't seen any such long term relationships to poly and last. I have very little hope. <br /><br />If only we had known 25 years ago, I could have built a life with someone else to whom I could also be their only special someone.<br /><br />My heart is completely broken. I won't ever be able to forget this.<br /><br />Maybe it's better to pull the plug now so I have a chance at finding the love I want with another Mono before I am too much older and it becomes that much harder to start again. I'm not here for him just so he can feel safe so he can go off with someone else.<br /><br />Never been this unhappy in my whole life... <br />Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-76150255266765685212018-04-06T07:12:13.370-04:002018-04-06T07:12:13.370-04:00This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/07882621431408227459noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-31018043390444971992017-07-29T06:26:45.850-04:002017-07-29T06:26:45.850-04:00These tips are awesome. I will definitely be using...<br /> <br /><br />These tips are awesome. I will definitely be using these. Thanks so much for sharing.<br /><a href="http://relationquery.com/7-steps-to-a-happy-marriage/" rel="nofollow">Happy Marriage Life</a>md ashraful alamhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/16092135132596005782noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-72680548651632424262017-06-02T06:29:31.573-04:002017-06-02T06:29:31.573-04:00Thanks so much for finding me! Life has been keep...Thanks so much for finding me! Life has been keeping me busy, but I promise that I will start writing again soon.scarlett willowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14023415727406453565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-59766861145132227412017-06-01T23:13:58.546-04:002017-06-01T23:13:58.546-04:00Scarlett! I recently found your blog and I'm s...Scarlett! I recently found your blog and I'm so glad I did! I'm currently in a relationship with a poly person, and it's a totally new thing. I was starting to think I was crazy, but thanks to you, I've been learning how to understand my feelings. I hope you keep writing!Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-19150292082828963922017-05-12T17:36:40.750-04:002017-05-12T17:36:40.750-04:00Yes, I'm still here; and yes I will be bloggin...Yes, I'm still here; and yes I will be blogging more in the (hopefully) near future. M has had some health issues and big life changes for both of us has kept us busy. <br />I do have topics to write about in my head, so they will be put to paper real soon!scarlett willowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14023415727406453565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-25503409171774385222017-05-12T13:50:18.383-04:002017-05-12T13:50:18.383-04:00hi there- just checking in to see if you are still...hi there- just checking in to see if you are still around and planning to continue this blog. Anonymousnoreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-32736394588971213952017-02-02T01:32:17.294-05:002017-02-02T01:32:17.294-05:00What a wonderful blog! I'm poly and my wife is...What a wonderful blog! I'm poly and my wife is mono and I came across your blog while I was looking for resources to help both of us maintain a healthy relationship while we manage my relatively newly discovered identity.<br /><br />I did love your perspectives on cheating vs polyamory. - I've always held myself to a 'no secrets' policy.<br /><br />I don't find your SNT offensive at all. It's perfectly descriptive and accurate for me and I can well understand how irritating it would be for the mono partner.<br /><br />- PaulPaul Moorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01056676946309237324noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-45768066687184590492017-02-02T01:13:08.985-05:002017-02-02T01:13:08.985-05:00As a poly person, my heart goes out to you. You do...As a poly person, my heart goes out to you. You don't deserve to be ignored, you do have the right to be considered.Paul Moorehttps://www.blogger.com/profile/01056676946309237324noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-17504490255118481362017-01-25T18:43:12.063-05:002017-01-25T18:43:12.063-05:00Hi there! Yes, I am planning to write more soon. ...Hi there! Yes, I am planning to write more soon. Life has kept me busy. Glad that you like the blog and that it has helped you.scarlett willowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14023415727406453565noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-67380174161569548842017-01-20T02:34:20.533-05:002017-01-20T02:34:20.533-05:00Hi, wondering if you're gonna write anything s...Hi, wondering if you're gonna write anything soon. Your blog has helped me so much with my relationship.Anonymoushttps://www.blogger.com/profile/17883210545896590171noreply@blogger.comtag:blogger.com,1999:blog-7839740220918045687.post-6246497807196747332016-11-27T10:10:47.144-05:002016-11-27T10:10:47.144-05:00Hi Justin!
Sorry that I haven't replied sooner...Hi Justin!<br />Sorry that I haven't replied sooner. Yeah, it's hard when those feelings of "they're my friend, but now they're my partner's love" start showing up and it doesn't matter how long you're in the relationship. What I do (or at least try to do) is when those feelings come up, remember that it's between them and not you. Yes, there are things like date scheduling that affects you, and trusting that your rules/boundaries are being followed because again, that affects you; but the time between your partner and that friend is just that - their time. If you say that every time that those feelings show up, your mind will stop going forward with those feeling because you are not feeding it.<br />Easier said than done, mind you, but it does work.<br /><br />Another thing that I have tried (it was rough) was to go out for dinner with your partner and friend. It's WAY out of the box for us monos, but by doing so you can see that the person is not an evil monster that our mind has created. Ask them not to hold hands and such, and they should respect that. <br />Hope that this all helps you.scarlett willowhttps://www.blogger.com/profile/14023415727406453565noreply@blogger.com