So your partner has or is
talking about having another relationship. Maybe they have already started
dating. Either way you are going to have
to deal with what Polys call the New Relationship Energy (NRE). I, as a Mono, would like to call it the Shiny
New Toy Syndrome (SNT).
You know that syndrome. You get something new and it’s all cute and
no one can tell you anything bad about it or their concerns about it. You just have to ride it out and let them
figure it out for themselves. Sometimes
it’s all good, and other times you have to sit back and watch the show while
saying to yourself “I told you so; but nooooo!”
The Poly community talks about how wonderful NRE is and that’s all well
and good, but even they don’t take into account what their partner - Poly or
not – has to deal with. It’s kind of
like watching a toddler running around the house saying how wonderful their new
toy is and then becoming upset when someone tells them that it’s their bedtime
and that the new toy has to be put away for the night.
Some people handle the SNT
better than others. There are partners
who say that they’ve been through this many times and it’ll pass, while there
are others who have to have all the sharp pointy objects hidden until it passes. Then there are partners who are in-between
the two and are trying hard to deal with it.
Polys handle the SNT in different ways too. Some Polys have it so severe that it affects
their hearing and logic. They become
deaf and their logic ceases to exist until the SNT clears. No matter what their
partner says or feels is of no consequence to them. Then they get the “Oh
shit!” syndrome when it clears. Some
Polys get a moderate case of the SNT. While
they do listen to their partner; they do what they want anyway because their
logic is semi affected. They then get the lesser “Shit! What now?” syndrome. Then there are other Polys that while having
the SNT, they do listen and take what their partner says and feels into
consideration.
So what do you do when your
partner gets this syndrome? No matter
what degree your partner has it, I believe the way to handle it is still the
same. First and foremost, talk to your
partner about your fears and concerns. If you see red flags in the new
relationship, tell them about it; but in a nice way. Go over your
rules/boundaries list together. It’s not
restrictions; they’re a show of respect to each other. Be prepared that if your honey has a really
bad case of the SNT, they will defend themselves, and probably defend the new
OSO too, as to why they are doing what they want. For them it’s like they don’t care if they
fall off the cliff just as long they get to do it. There may be times that they
appear that they are not listening to you, but actually they really are. If
your partner breaks one of the rules/boundaries have a civil (or as close to
one) discussion as to why it was broken.
If it’s a big one – like unprotected sex – then there should be
consequences like you will now have protected sex with me until you get tested
and the results come back clean because you are now messing with my life
without my consent. Yes, that’s one of
our rules/boundaries that has never been broken and I love M even more for
respecting me by doing this.
Second, put on your friend
hat and listen about their date plans and how it went. No, you don’t have to listen to every detail
and if it starts getting Ouchy you have the right to say that it’s Ouchy and
move on. I feel that 1) you are friends
with your partner so by listening, as a friend, you can see it from a different
angle; and 2) you want to share your partner’s experience so you both can grow
from it. There have been times where I have said to M that I’m asking this question
as a friend because this is what I would ask any other friend if they were in
this position. I feel that this
strengthens the bond between us and makes us more solid. Hey, you could even help plan a date if you
want to! I asked M what he was going to
wear on a first date and encouraged him to follow through with his suggestion
for them to have a second date.
Lastly, you have to let the
SNT run its course. Consider it like a
cold. The more it happens, the more the
both of you will be able to handle it.
Being able to communicate your concerns with your honey helps. Open dialog is the most important thing when
dealing with this. To quote don Miguel
Ruiz, “It is because we respect others
that we allow them to be the dreamers they want to be. It is because we love them that we let them
make their own choices, whether we understand those choices or not.”