Someone
asked me about what to do if you do not like your partner’s choice of
metamour. They said that they are going
with the “someday I’ll like that person and things will be rosey for everyone”
hope. While that could happen, I’ll go
with the “not-in-my-lifetime” answer.
You see, just because my partner is poly, doesn’t mean I have to welcome
every one of his OSO’s with open arms (although the majority of them I do
like). Does this mean that you have to
take their choice of OSO like some bad tasting medicine? Not really.
There are options out there that you can use. I’ll run through the possible do’s and don’ts
and put my two cents in about them.
First
off, before you do anything regarding their relationship, you should do a self-check
first. Ask yourself; “Why don’t I like
this person?” Be truthful with your
answer. If your answer is/are that they
are thinner, prettier, seem more polished than you, taking away from your time
with your partner (to name a few), then you need to deal with your monsters
before dealing with the other relationship.
Talk to your sweetie about your feelings. If this is the main reason that you don’t
like the other person, then by working on this may eventually bring you to the
rosey for everyone stage. Remember that they are with you because of who you
are. Hey, these thoughts creep into my
head too, but if M can put up with my hippie-dippie wild-child nature for over
four years, and I know that we bring out the best in each other, I’m good with
that. Now if your answer to this
question is: “because the other person is a well-known backstabbing user”; well
then there other options for you to try as this comes under the
not-in-my-lifetime column.
One
option is you could use the veto card.
Some couples use this when they don’t like the OSO. They will tell their partner that they don’t
like the other person (reason given or not) so therefore the partner has to cut
all ties with the OSO. No questions
asked; good-bye; the end. While it
sounds like a really good thing to do and it may give you personal satisfaction
that you saved them from that evil person, I personally could never to that to
M. To me, that would cause hurt feelings
and possibly anger and resentment from him.
If you think about this if you use the veto card, then it just makes
that bad relationship even more enticing to you partner (think Romeo and Juliet
for starters). My take on this is not to
use it.
Now the
next options come under what I would call the Do’s and Don’ts of handling this
situation.
DO
express your feelings to your partner. If you see a red flag, then politely
point it out to them. “I’m sorry that
you planned an afternoon to spend with them only for them to cancel at the last
minute. That wasn’t fair to you. It’s
also upsetting to me that they have done this to you before.” “It concerns me that they are starting/are
in a relationship with you and they haven’t told their partner(s) about it yet.” Be calm and not sarcastic in stating
examples. Sometimes they can’t see the
forest from the trees and by pointing out things may make your partner see what
you are seeing.
DO setup
or review your rules/boundaries. You
should have a general set of rules/boundaries that are in place for every
relationship to begin with. Review them
again because both you and your sweetie’s safety is important.
DON’T
come up with complete new set of rules/boundaries just for that OSO. Don’t
change anything just for this relationship unless the OSO is unsafe regarding
certain things. This can be considered sabotage
and the start of a major war between you two.
DO allow
them time to meet up. I know that this
one’s a killer, but by doing this along with pointing out the red flags (not at
the same time), your sweetie should (after a while) put two and two together
and see the whole picture.
DON’T
sabotage their time together. Bitching when
your partner is leaving to see “it”, eye rolling, constant texting your partner
while they are together, and other things may cause that awful relationship to
end (yay), but it will cause a war between you and your sweetie (nay).
If and
when your partner and the horrible OSO split up, DON’T do the happy dance in
front of them. DON’T say the “I told you
so” phrase either. They know that you
know so don’t throw it in front of your partner’s face.
DO be
supportive of your partner at this time.
They may be upset that the relationship ended. They may also be beating themselves up for
not heeding those red flags. Your
partner and you too, may have learned something about yourselves and
relationships in general through all this.
Is it
difficult watching your partner be in a terrible relationship? Yes it is because it’s someone who you care
very deeply about going through this.
Can you change what’s happening? Maybe, but it’s not happening according
to your time schedule. And sometimes that relationship may have to crash and
burn for all involved. M and I were
involved in one of these horror OSOs and he knew that I was upset by it. He asked me why I was so upset. I told him
that it was frustrating to me because it was like two friends walking along on
railroad tracks. They hear the train
coming and they see the headlight down the tracks. One friend gets off the
track, but the other stays on. The
friend off the tracks keeps yelling that the train is coming and to get off the
tracks; but the person is still walking the tracks. They feel helpless that their friend is not
getting off the tracks and the train is right upon them. M’s response was that maybe the friend on the
tracks needs to have that train wreak happen so that they can learn something. Good point, but if everyone learns something
positive from it then it’s a good thing.
