Wednesday, December 2, 2015

You No Like?

 Someone asked me about what to do if you do not like your partner’s choice of metamour.  They said that they are going with the “someday I’ll like that person and things will be rosey for everyone” hope.  While that could happen, I’ll go with the “not-in-my-lifetime” answer.  You see, just because my partner is poly, doesn’t mean I have to welcome every one of his OSO’s with open arms (although the majority of them I do like).  Does this mean that you have to take their choice of OSO like some bad tasting medicine?  Not really.  There are options out there that you can use.  I’ll run through the possible do’s and don’ts and put my two cents in about them.

First off, before you do anything regarding their relationship, you should do a self-check first.  Ask yourself; “Why don’t I like this person?”  Be truthful with your answer.  If your answer is/are that they are thinner, prettier, seem more polished than you, taking away from your time with your partner (to name a few), then you need to deal with your monsters before dealing with the other relationship.  Talk to your sweetie about your feelings.  If this is the main reason that you don’t like the other person, then by working on this may eventually bring you to the rosey for everyone stage. Remember that they are with you because of who you are.  Hey, these thoughts creep into my head too, but if M can put up with my hippie-dippie wild-child nature for over four years, and I know that we bring out the best in each other, I’m good with that.  Now if your answer to this question is: “because the other person is a well-known backstabbing user”; well then there other options for you to try as this comes under the not-in-my-lifetime column.

One option is you could use the veto card.  Some couples use this when they don’t like the OSO.  They will tell their partner that they don’t like the other person (reason given or not) so therefore the partner has to cut all ties with the OSO.  No questions asked; good-bye; the end.  While it sounds like a really good thing to do and it may give you personal satisfaction that you saved them from that evil person, I personally could never to that to M.  To me, that would cause hurt feelings and possibly anger and resentment from him.  If you think about this if you use the veto card, then it just makes that bad relationship even more enticing to you partner (think Romeo and Juliet for starters).  My take on this is not to use it.

Now the next options come under what I would call the Do’s and Don’ts of handling this situation.

DO express your feelings to your partner. If you see a red flag, then politely point it out to them.  “I’m sorry that you planned an afternoon to spend with them only for them to cancel at the last minute. That wasn’t fair to you.  It’s also upsetting to me that they have done this to you before.”   “It concerns me that they are starting/are in a relationship with you and they haven’t told their partner(s) about it yet.”  Be calm and not sarcastic in stating examples.  Sometimes they can’t see the forest from the trees and by pointing out things may make your partner see what you are seeing. 

DO setup or review your rules/boundaries.  You should have a general set of rules/boundaries that are in place for every relationship to begin with.  Review them again because both you and your sweetie’s safety is important.

DON’T come up with complete new set of rules/boundaries just for that OSO. Don’t change anything just for this relationship unless the OSO is unsafe regarding certain things.   This can be considered sabotage and the start of a major war between you two.

DO allow them time to meet up.  I know that this one’s a killer, but by doing this along with pointing out the red flags (not at the same time), your sweetie should (after a while) put two and two together and see the whole picture.

DON’T sabotage their time together.  Bitching when your partner is leaving to see “it”, eye rolling, constant texting your partner while they are together, and other things may cause that awful relationship to end (yay), but it will cause a war between you and your sweetie (nay).

If and when your partner and the horrible OSO split up, DON’T do the happy dance in front of them.  DON’T say the “I told you so” phrase either.  They know that you know so don’t throw it in front of your partner’s face.

DO be supportive of your partner at this time.  They may be upset that the relationship ended.  They may also be beating themselves up for not heeding those red flags.  Your partner and you too, may have learned something about yourselves and relationships in general through all this.

Is it difficult watching your partner be in a terrible relationship?  Yes it is because it’s someone who you care very deeply about going through this.  Can you change what’s happening? Maybe, but it’s not happening according to your time schedule. And sometimes that relationship may have to crash and burn for all involved.  M and I were involved in one of these horror OSOs and he knew that I was upset by it.  He asked me why I was so upset. I told him that it was frustrating to me because it was like two friends walking along on railroad tracks.  They hear the train coming and they see the headlight down the tracks. One friend gets off the track, but the other stays on.  The friend off the tracks keeps yelling that the train is coming and to get off the tracks; but the person is still walking the tracks.  They feel helpless that their friend is not getting off the tracks and the train is right upon them.  M’s response was that maybe the friend on the tracks needs to have that train wreak happen so that they can learn something.  Good point, but if everyone learns something positive from it then it’s a good thing.