Sunday, April 24, 2016

A Letter to the Poly People

This letter was prompted by reading/seeing/ listening from monos whose poly partners are trying to get them to “jump to the poly side” and they can’t understand why there isn’t a mad rush over the fence to the poly side.

Dear Poly Person who is in a relationship with a Mono Person;

We are all wired differently.  That’s what makes us all unique.  Our views/attitudes/beliefs towards things can differ too.   If you are planning to enter, or are already in a poly/mono relationship, here are a few things you should know about us monos.

First off, tell us -right off the bat - that you are poly.  Polyamory keeps saying that there should be openness and honesty; but not telling us this from the beginning is wrong!  We monos need time to adjust to this new line of thinking.  Maybe we’ll stay and try it out, or maybe we’ll bail.  That’s our choice; but doing “Surprise!” months into the relationship makes our choices of staying or bailing harder to do.  We don’t want to invest our energy and emotions thinking that we’re the only ones and then have a new rule book handed to us 6 months down the line.

Second, is for you to explain/discuss with us what your version of poly is.  Polyamory is different for lots of people.  Some polys may want to date other people while other polys may want more than one committed relationship.  By having this discussion with us (1) we can understand what your version of poly is compared to others and (2) where we stand in the complete picture of things. We’re not asking for a 5 year plan here.  We’re just trying to see where we are – like those “you are here” posters you see in a mall.

If you want to date others, please be certain that we monos AND us as a couple are ready for this.  Another concept in polyamory is constant communication so let’s use it!  We monos should feel (to a point) that our relationship is solid enough for you to date.  Sadly, there is no time line for this as some of us monos take longer than others to become somewhat comfortable.  So, if we ask for you not to date others while we are working on our relationship, please honour our request.  If our relationship is shaky, wouldn’t you want to fix that first before starting on another one?

One key concept in all of us –both poly and mono- is trust.  Even in polyamory if you are not open and honest about your dating, then honey you are cheating!  So please tell us when you are going on a date.  We don’t want to hear about it after the fact.  In my book that is rude and disrespectful to us!

Please don’t push poly on us. Please don’t tell us monos that we should try poly.  Understand that if you did something just to “make someone else happy” or are forced or hounded to do something that doesn’t feel right to you, you would not be a happy camper.  Also, don’t make poly announcements and expect us monos to do a happy dance. That’s pushing poly again on us. We are not going to dance yelling “yay!” when you announce that your OSO will be moving in with us and we hear the back - up beeps of a U-Haul in the driveway.  Again, communicate with us!  Openness and honesty does not disappear when we become accepting and comfortable in the mono/poly relationship.

This is NOT a letter telling you to stay away from us monos.  This IS a letter explaining to you how we monos are and what we expect in this type of relationship.


Scarlett Willow

M read this letter and said that I should explain what a mono/poly relationship should be about.  I agree.  So that's what my next blog will be about.