This
letter was prompted by reading/seeing/ listening from monos whose poly partners
are trying to get them to “jump to the poly side” and they can’t understand why
there isn’t a mad rush over the fence to the poly side.
Dear
Poly Person who is in a relationship with a Mono Person;
We
are all wired differently. That’s what
makes us all unique. Our
views/attitudes/beliefs towards things can differ too. If you are planning to enter, or are already
in a poly/mono relationship, here are a few things you should know about us
monos.
First
off, tell us -right off the bat -
that you are poly. Polyamory keeps
saying that there should be openness and honesty; but not telling us this from
the beginning is wrong! We monos need
time to adjust to this new line of thinking.
Maybe we’ll stay and try it out, or maybe we’ll bail. That’s our choice; but doing “Surprise!” months into the relationship makes our choices of
staying or bailing harder to do. We
don’t want to invest our energy and emotions thinking that we’re the only ones
and then have a new rule book handed to us 6 months down the line.
Second,
is for you to explain/discuss with us what your version of poly is. Polyamory is different for lots of
people. Some polys may want to date other
people while other polys may want more than one committed relationship. By having this discussion with us (1) we can
understand what your version of poly is compared to others and (2) where we
stand in the complete picture of things. We’re not asking for a 5 year plan
here. We’re just trying to see where we
are – like those “you are here” posters you see in a mall.
If
you want to date others, please be certain that we monos AND us as a couple are
ready for this. Another concept in polyamory
is constant communication so let’s use it!
We monos should feel (to a point) that our relationship is solid enough
for you to date. Sadly, there is no time
line for this as some of us monos take longer than others to become somewhat
comfortable. So, if we ask for you not
to date others while we are working on our relationship, please honour our
request. If our relationship is shaky,
wouldn’t you want to fix that first before starting on another one?
One
key concept in all of us –both poly and mono- is trust. Even in polyamory if you are not open and
honest about your dating, then honey you are cheating! So please tell us when you are going on a
date. We don’t want to hear about it
after the fact. In my book that is rude
and disrespectful to us!
Please
don’t push poly on us. Please don’t tell us monos that we should try poly. Understand that if you did something
just to “make someone else happy” or are forced or hounded to do something that
doesn’t feel right to you, you would not be a happy camper. Also, don’t make poly announcements and
expect us monos to do a happy dance. That’s pushing poly again on us. We are
not going to dance yelling “yay!” when you announce that your OSO will be
moving in with us and we hear the back - up beeps of a U-Haul in the
driveway. Again, communicate with
us! Openness and honesty does not
disappear when we become accepting and comfortable in the mono/poly
relationship.
This
is NOT a letter telling you to stay away from us monos. This IS a letter explaining to you how we
monos are and what we expect in this type of relationship.
Sincerely,
Scarlett
Willow
P.S.
M read this letter and said that I should explain what a mono/poly relationship should be about. I agree. So that's what my next blog will be about.
