Sunday, March 13, 2016

Respect Yourself

I’ve been asked a few times if people still go through those seven stages of emotions during their relationship; and how should people handle it.  My answer to the first half of the question is yes, every time our partner is interested in or starts to date someone new, we go through those seven stages to some degree.  Some people go through these stages whenever their partner leaves to spend time with the OSO too.  I think that it’s a normal thing.  I mean, a new person enters the picture or our partner leaves to spend some time with their OSO and we wonder where we will wind up on the relationship ladder.  We wonder about this and go through those stages (maybe even a quick run through) until things balances out and we are comfortable again.

How we handle all this is another thing.  We can read books, blogs, articles; talk to others about how they handle things, and you can get some good advice that you feel that you can use. But I feel that if you are not comfortable with, or in touch with yourself, then all this advice that you have been collecting will go by the wayside.  So, what do we do about this?  I’m a spiritual person so I feel that 2016 is the year of awakenings. No, I’m not going to go all religious on everyone.  I’m going to write about what is working for me and maybe it’ll inspire you to either look into what I’m doing or look at things that may work for you.

I would strongly suggest that if you would like to start out, read the book The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.  The four agreements are: Be impeccable with your word.  Don’t take anything personally.  Don’t make assumptions.  Always do your best.  He then goes on and discusses each agreement.  There is a companion workbook that just came out for the four agreements.  There is also a fifth agreement:  To see the truth.  I haven’t read The Fifth Agreement book yet; but I will.

Another great book (for us women) is Warrior Goddess Training by Heatherash Amara.  There’s a companion workbook for this as well.  In this book she talks about clearing out old thoughts and ideas that no longer suit us and for us to become who we really want to be.  For me this was one powerful book!  It can be intense because we are looking at our past, but it really worked for me.  Sorry guys, I tried to look up things for you, but if there is something out there for guys, please let me know and I’ll pass it along.

By finding out and being comfortable with yourself, I feel that you could be able to do those me times when your partner is away without feeling guilty or bad about it.  I feel that when you hit those seven stages you can look at them in a different light (Like: My partner is responsible for their actions not me.  I don’t have to play judge or victim to myself.) than you do now.    I know that there are other books out there that are on the topic of personal growth/self-help; you will have to check them out and see which one feels good to you.  


  1. I have just found your blog. I am a poly woman who is embarking on my first oso relationship. I have been married for almost 10 years. My partner and I have always known that I was different (i.e. not mono) but didn't have a word for it. Being young we fooled around with threesomes and the like but I always longed for a deeper connection. Nothing satisfied me until I started researching because of my current oso. He is also mono, like my husband. Apparently I attract monos. I am having a hard time in this new relationship because I am scared he will walk away when he finds someone that will 'be mono' with him. Offer him 'the white picket fence' life that I can not. I guess my question is does M ever worry about that with you? Like does he have a concern that you will stumble across a mono that could whisk you away to live happily ever after without oso's?

    1. I also wanted to add I love what you are writing and that you are willing to share the hards from your point of view. I have read all your posts and look forward to more. Thank you

    2. Thank you. I'm glad that you like my blog.

      I sent your post to M and asked him to reply to it. This is his reply:

      At this point in our relationship I don't fret over that too much. I know at times you have a longing to be nearer to family and your "roots'. That has caused some angst for me.

      I knew in the beginning of our relationship it was always a possibility you would decide you couldn't handle a poly partner. But the fact that we quickly established open and honest communication made a huge difference in alleviating the anxiety over possibly losing you.

      As time has passed I've come to respect and value your integrity so that I don't feel I'm all of a sudden going to be hit with a devastating blow. I've also come to appreciate our ability as a couple to deal with issues pretty directly.
      If it ever came to pass that you decided you could no longer handle this. I would certainly understand. But it would also be a tremendous loss!

      I believe that one of our strengths is that we respect each other and are able to foster each others growth, even though each of us may not fully understand the other.

      Love you dearly!!

      (You can copy this directly as a reply if you wish. I'd also be willing to answer other questions as needed.)

  2. I honestly don't know if I'm going to be able to handle this. I'm mono/he's poly.,he wants me to be mono snd accept him as poly. I'm really having a hard time.

    1. I don't know if you want me to ask questions here, or if you want to message me through the Facebook page about you having a hard time with this.

      Here are a few questions that M and I usually ask people:
      How long is this relationship that you are in?

      Did you know from the start that your partner was poly, or did they spring it on you?

      Have you asked your partner what their definition of poly is? Ever person has their own version of poly.

      Are you getting what you need from this relationship and is your partner providing it?

      Is your partner is another relationship now? Why/what is it that bothers you about it?

      If you want to talk, I'm here to listen.

  3. Scarlett, I'm in a new relationship and feel similarly to slavelinnea. I'd like to pm you a couple questions - but I don't have Facebook and your yahoo handle isn't linking to your email address. Is there an alternate way to PM you? Many thanks!

    1. I started a yahoo mail account for this blog. It's

  4. Hi Scarlett,
    I saw that you stopped posting. I was wondering if you were still in the mono/poly relationship. Thanks.

  5. Hi There! M and I are still going strong - 6 1/2 years! Actually this morning I was thinking that I really need to start blogging again. Things here have been crazy - new house, medical issues with family and such. I'm going to post a BIG note saying that I should post a blog by Friday.

    1. Hope things are going well. I am looking forward to your new post.

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