The List

M had asked me a while back that I should explain what a mono/poly relationship should be about.  I started by making a list, but then I put the list down – till now.  So ladies and gentlemen here is my list of what I believe a mono/poly relationship should be like.

1.     Respect and trust each other (a no brainer).

2.     There should be openness and honesty (another no brainer). 

3.     Communicate to each other (no brainer yet again).

4.     Be supportive and encourage growth to each other.

5.     Do things together.

6.     Do things apart and give each other space.

I was going to take each point separately, but a lot of these points intertwine.  First and foremost, you have to respect each other.  If you do not respect your partner, then all the rest is a moot point.  Respect your partner for who they are, their opinions, their way of doing things.  Remember that you picked your partner for all their good points.  If you respect your partner, then you’ll trust them too.  In the book, “The Mastery of Love” by Don Miguel Ruiz, he writes: “Love is based on respect. Fear doesn’t respect anything, including yourself.  If I feel sorry for you, it means I don’t respect you. You cannot make your own choices. When I have to make the choices for you, at that point I don’t respect you. When I don’t respect you, I try to control you.  On the other hand, love respects. I love you; and I know that you can make it.  I know that you are strong enough, intelligent enough, good enough that you can make your own choices.  I don’t have to make your choices for you.  You can make it.  If you fall, I can give you my hand, I can help you to stand up.  I can say, “You can do it, go ahead.”  That is compassion, but it is not the same as feeling sorry.  Compassion comes from respect and from love; feeling sorry comes from lack of respect and from fear.”

I guess that quote takes in points 1 – 4 on my list.  Openness and honesty is also a sign of respect.  Be open about your feelings and be honest about what’s going on even if it stirs up feelings with your partner.  That’s where the communication point comes into play too.  Be open to our partner about your feelings.  M started dating a really nice person.  Even though I know her and she’s really sweet, my mono wiring kicks in at times and I get the “what if” playing in my head.   I can handle them better these days, but I do tell M when the wiring is kicking in.  I know that he gets it to a point, but we do sit and discuss it instead of me keeping it inside and shutting down on him.  So to the monos I say not to shut down and talk to your partner about what’s going on for you.  Otherwise it’ll just fester like an open wound and eventually burst and be all ugly.  You also won’t know when it’ll burst and that too can -and will- make the situation worse. To the poly’s I say to you discuss what’s going on (not in gory detail unless asked) about your other relationships to your partner.  Don’t tell your honey that you took that other relationship past the hand holding stage three months after the fact.  What will that prove?  It’s still going to hurt and even more so if you delay that info.  That is not showing respect to your partner.

Point four is a good one.  This doesn’t have to apply to just other relationships but things in general.  If your honey wants to try their hand at something creative or improve themselves by taking classes or going to lectures, then give them the encouragement to do so.  Let them be themselves without hesitation.  If they’re on the fence about doing it, give them that little nudge.  I started reading books on ways to look at life.  I thought that M would make fun of me doing this; but instead he encouraged me and we had some in depth discussions about certain topics that were in the books.  In fact he is going with me to a workshop on this.  M needed a push to ask his current OSO out and I encouraged him to do so.  I calmed his nerves the night before his first date and asked what he was going to wear.  I don’t think that neither one of us would have read books or asked someone for a date unless we had the support and encouragement from each other.

Points five and six kind of go hand in hand.  Do things together and also do things apart.  Doing things together strengthens your relationship.  M wanted me to go to a poly meet up event with him.  Even though I was the “odd person” there, I met some really great people, and had a nice time.  I wanted M to go with me to a local Ren Fair.  Even though it’s not his thing, he went and had fun.  By doing this, you also see a different side of your honey.  We both enjoy watching independent movies; so we go whenever one’s in town or we look at them on Amazon or Netflix.  Even do household stuff together if possible.  If either one of us has a problem at our houses, the other comes over and helps out.  M helped me put up a clothes line and I helped M set posts for his garden gate.

Doing things apart is also healthy.  You don’t lose yourself if you are able to do things by yourself.  I’m not talking about when your honey goes out with their OSO (though that is also good).  I’m talking about meeting up with friends for dinner without the sweetie.  It’s ok to do things by yourself and not be joined at the hip all the time.  For me it’s having the grandchild for a week.  For M it’s going on a retreat by himself for a few days to reflect on things.

Last thing on this list is to give each other space.  Sometimes you just need time along with yourself to decompress.  Sometimes things get to us that only we can deal with.  It’s ok to give space. There’s a great passage in The Mastery of Love: “You can be aware that when your partner gets upset, gets sad or jealous, it’s not the one you love that you are dealing with at the moment.  It’s a Parasite that is possessing your partner.  Knowing that the Parasite is there, and knowing what is going on in your partner, you can give your partner the space to deal with it.  Since you are responsible for your half of the relationship, you can allow him/her to deal with their own personal dream.  In that way, it will be easy not to take personally what your partner is doing.  This will help your relationship a lot because nothing that your partner does is personal.  Your partner is dealing with his/her own garbage.” 

Looking at this list, it’s really not too hard to be these things.  Hopefully this list can help you in your mono/poly relationship too.