Me Time!

I’m a member of a few mono/poly groups.  The topic that is up for discussion right now are from people who are in marriages or relationships where their partner is now saying that they want to explore being poly.  Some are guys who want to see other women, and some are women who want to explore their bi side.  From reading their posts, I see that the undercurrents of those posts are that it’s not fair that their partner is going out while they are home either by themselves or with the children.  While I don’t live with M, and my little ones are now big ones with family, I too, at times, get that way.  How is it fair that he can go out with others while I’m sitting home? You know what?  It’s not fair!  It’s not fair that we allow ourselves to stay home! Yes, allow!  I say that we mono/open’s should have a night out too.  Yes, we love doing things with our partners, but we also have to do things for ourselves too.

About two years ago, M and I went to a festival where there was an open discussion group about polyamory.  There were couples describing their relationships.  One poly/mono couple, who was married for close to 30 years, was saying that the wife (who was mono) was friendly with hubby’s OSO of 20 years.  The husband said that the wife and his OSO were interested in the same weekend conference and that the wife and OSO were going to go to it together.  The hubby was then asked how he felt about them going to this conference together.  His reply was that he didn’t know what to do with himself because it was always him going away and now he was the one staying home.  I came within inches of yelling; “Now you’ll know what your wife goes through you twit!”  But at the same time I also realized that I should not allow myself to stay home.  I should go out and do things for myself.  I call it Me Time!

So here are my suggestions to do just that.  If you are home watching the children while your partner is out, then either hire a sitter or pick a night that you go out with your friends while your partner stays home with the children.  Have a guy/girls night out.  Have a guy/girl night at your house while your partner is out.   The books say that you should pamper yourself by taking bubble bath and curling up with a good book.  Again, why should you stay home doing this while your partner is out?  To me this is like a timeout punishment because you’re the mono/open person.  If you want to do this type of thing great! But you don’t have to limit yourself to doing only that.

Also, by having me time, it gives your poly partner a “message”; and that is “I’m not allowing myself to sit home for you”.  Sometimes people have to see things from the other person’s eyes. Reverse the situation so to speak so that everyone sees and understands the complete picture.  All those books are written so that we mono/open people are to see things from a poly’s eyes.  Those books fail to see how we react and feel when our poly partners go out.  Example: One time I went to see my family and friends for a few days.  M had to work so he couldn’t go.  There was no problem with me doing this as we are supportive of us doing things both together and separately.  When I returned home, M said that at one point he felt that it wasn’t fair (jealous was the actual word he used) because I was having fun while he had to work.  He then said that he now understood how I feel when he goes out. Reverse the situation but in a positive way. Also, talk about it with your partner.  Remember to communicate!

Allowing yourself to be happy or miserable is your choice.  To quote Albus Dumbleodre; “It’s our choices, Harry, who tell us what we really are.  Far more than our abilities.”

I’m not a Disease Thank you!

I don’t like the word Monogamy; Mono for short. You hear the word mono, and you immediately think of the disease mononucleosis - Infectious Mononucleosis.  So naturally it makes me cringe when I say that I’m the mono half of the couple.  On the other hand, you have Polyamory; or Poly.  Cute name Poly.  I’ve seen the parrot used as one of polyamory’s symbols.  We “mono’s” don’t even have a symbol because a nasty white blood cell just doesn’t cut it.  With all due respect to poly authors, while I understand that you are writing from a poly point of view, calling us mono’s makes it sound like we have a disease.  No one has a disease in this type of relationship!  It’s different wiring and that’s okay.

So I have decided to come up with a new word to describe us “mono’s”.  That new word is:  Soleamory (sole amory).  Sole for short.

How did I come up with this new word?  It wasn’t easy. First thing I did was to look up in a thesaurus words that are the same as monogamy.  What first turned up could describe any relationship - faithful, and committed.  Then I scrolled down the rest of the list – pure, celibate, plutonic, unblemished, prudish, and chaste to name a few.  This sounds like I should enter a convent of sorts.  Trust me; I’m not any of those listed words that come after committed. So this idea didn’t work.

I then remembered how the word Polyamory came about.  It’s a fairly new word.  It was coined in the 1970’s by the late Morning Glory Zell. She and her husband Oberon Zell brought polyamory to the forefront.  Morning Glory came up with the words poly (many) and amour (love); hence the word polyamory.  So I decided to break down the word monogamy, look up the words and take it from there.

Let me tell you, the word monogamy should be outlawed.  The word mono is from the Greek “monos” meaning alone; and “gamous” is Greek for marriage.  Alone marriage?  Really?  I always thought that marriage had two people in it.  The word mono also means one; so I again went to the thesaurus for other words with the same meaning as one.  I found the word sole.  Add that to amour and there you go – soleamory.

Think about it.  What sounds better – “I’m the mono of this relationship”, or “I’m the sole of this relationship”? I think sole sounds better because baby, we are the sole (and the soul) of our relationships!  Now I’ll have to start work on a cute symbol.

Compromise is Not Being a Doormat!

With the holidays upon us, being in a mono/poly relationship can be a bear.  It’s bad enough that you and your partner have to deal with whose family you are going to spend what holiday with, now you have your partner’s other significant other-OSO– in the mix.  Some people are comfortable with the OSO joining in their festivities; and for that I say great! For me, it’s “not at this time thank you”!

Thanksgiving is M’s favourite holiday.  For him, it has to do with togetherness.  He invites all his children, their moms, neighbours, friends, and anyone else that you would like to bring along.  I don’t mind it at all as I basically get along with everyone there.  Right now M has a friend with benefits.  I know her and get along with her. He invited her to this year’s dinner.  M’s reason behind inviting her was that she recently lost a family member, and would be alone for Thanksgiving.  Based on that reason, I agreed. My answer to M was, “I deserve a freaking medal”!  As it turned out, she had Thanksgiving with a friend who was not feeling well.

Again, I’m not saying that you should invite the OSO over unless you want to.  However, if your partner wants to spend some part of the holiday with their OSO, maybe you should compromise.  But what about traditions Scarlett?  Start new ones.  I was married to a cop for twenty years.  His OSO was his job. Maybe that’s why I can sort of handle being alone for all the holidays. Thanksgiving was spent with my child and me going to a family member’s house.  If he had to work on Christmas Day, we celebrated on Christmas Eve. Birthdays were celebrated on his day off. These became our “traditions”. You have to look and see what’s important to you and TALK to your partner about it.  However, don’t become a doormat.

Have your partner give reasons as why they want to spend that day and that time with their OSO.  When M gave his reason as to why he wanted his friend over at Thanksgiving, I understood.  If you want your partner home on the first night of Hanukkah because it means that much to you, then say that.  Don’t give in and give up your holiday because you don’t want to cause problems between you two; but also don’t deny your partner time with the other significant other either.  That causes resentment.  Talk with your partner and come to an agreement that all you can live with.