I’m
a member of a few mono/poly groups. The
topic that is up for discussion right now are from people who are in marriages
or relationships where their partner is now saying that they want to explore
being poly. Some are guys who want to
see other women, and some are women who want to explore their bi side. From reading their posts, I see that the undercurrents
of those posts are that it’s not fair that their partner is going out while
they are home either by themselves or with the children. While I don’t live with M, and my little ones
are now big ones with family, I too, at times, get that way. How is it fair that he can go out with others
while I’m sitting home? You know what?
It’s not fair! It’s not fair that
we allow ourselves to stay home! Yes, allow!
I say that we mono/open’s should have a night out too. Yes, we love doing things with our partners,
but we also have to do things for ourselves too.
About
two years ago, M and I went to a festival where there was an open discussion
group about polyamory. There were
couples describing their relationships.
One poly/mono couple, who was married for close to 30 years, was saying
that the wife (who was mono) was friendly with hubby’s OSO of 20 years. The husband said that the wife and his OSO
were interested in the same weekend conference and that the wife and OSO were
going to go to it together. The hubby
was then asked how he felt about them going to this conference together. His reply was that he didn’t know what to do
with himself because it was always him going away and now he was the one
staying home. I came within inches of
yelling; “Now you’ll know what your wife goes through you twit!” But at the same time I also realized that I should
not allow myself to stay home. I should
go out and do things for myself. I call
it Me Time!
So
here are my suggestions to do just that.
If you are home watching the children while your partner is out, then
either hire a sitter or pick a night that you go out with your friends while
your partner stays home with the children.
Have a guy/girls night out. Have
a guy/girl night at your house while your partner is out. The books say that you should pamper yourself
by taking bubble bath and curling up with a good book. Again, why should you stay home doing this
while your partner is out? To me this is
like a timeout punishment because you’re the mono/open person. If you want to do this type of thing great! But
you don’t have to limit yourself to doing only that.
Also,
by having me time, it gives your poly partner a “message”; and that is “I’m not
allowing myself to sit home for you”. Sometimes people have to see things
from the other person’s eyes. Reverse the situation so to speak so that
everyone sees and understands the complete picture. All those books are written so that we
mono/open people are to see things from a poly’s eyes. Those books fail to see how we react and feel
when our poly partners go out. Example: One
time I went to see my family and friends for a few days. M had to work so he couldn’t go. There was no problem with me doing this as we
are supportive of us doing things both together and separately. When I returned home, M said that at one
point he felt that it wasn’t fair (jealous was the actual word he used) because
I was having fun while he had to work.
He then said that he now understood how I feel when he goes out. Reverse
the situation but in a positive way. Also, talk about it with your
partner. Remember to communicate!
Allowing
yourself to be happy or miserable is your choice. To quote Albus Dumbleodre; “It’s our choices,
Harry, who tell us what we really are.
Far more than our abilities.”
Any idea where I can find a site or blog so I can talk to someone who has been or is already going through this?
ReplyDeleteEveryone goes through this - some more often than others. I go through this at times when M goes out. You have to learn to love yourself so that you can do these things.
ReplyDeleteEveryone goes through this - some more often than others. I go through this at times when M goes out. You have to learn to love yourself so that you can do these things.
ReplyDeleteHaving a bubble bath and reading a good book is hardly the balance to your spouse going out and wining, dining and screwing another woman. It's a very simplistic way of avoiding the pain. But if that's the route you're going to take, add a bottle of wine and a couple of Xanax.
ReplyDeleteThat's why I wrote that you should go out when your partner goes out and not do like some books suggest of taking a bubble bath and reading a good book.
DeleteHell, I can take a bath and read a good book any night of the week. And for your suggestion of taking some wine and Xanax, again I can do that any night too.
GO OUT INSTEAD PEOPLE!!!
I love 'me time' too. To me that is having the house to myself, no sport on tv, no music, just peace and quiet with a good book or social media or anything I want really. Yes I can do that every night of the week or I can go out when I want - but that one night a week he goes out is when I get 'me time' in my own home. But yes I understand the thought about 'balance'. The first time he went out on his own which he has never done in 35 years unless it was a works do or for sport it felt odd. But I didn't feel a need to go out myself since I'm the one who leaves him at home more often. I suppose people need to find something that makes them happy and comfortable.
ReplyDeleteI tried to post the above with a wordpress url but it didn't work so I posted as anonymous. I didn't want it to be anonymous.
ReplyDeleteThank you for this. I am in my first serious relationship but my partner is poly. Right now he isn't searching for anyone but I've been researching so I can be prepared for when it does happen, this is a very helpful post.
ReplyDeleteMy mono/poly relationship is fairly new. I started to go out with friends so that he knows how it feels, but he just hangs out with his secondary. I still get very jealous.
ReplyDeleteThat's not going to work as he will feel happy that you are spending time with your friends (which is a good thing - spending time with friends).
DeleteIf you haven't read the book "The Ethical Slut", please look it over. This type of relationship is out of the box. We - mono and poly - have to look out of the box and talk about what it's like for the other. I look at it as if I want to go out, as friends only, with a guy friend when I know that I won't get shyt about it.
And like you said, your relationship is new, so a lot of triggers will come up for you and your partner to deal with.