Compromise is Not Being a Doormat!

With the holidays upon us, being in a mono/poly relationship can be a bear.  It’s bad enough that you and your partner have to deal with whose family you are going to spend what holiday with, now you have your partner’s other significant other-OSO– in the mix.  Some people are comfortable with the OSO joining in their festivities; and for that I say great! For me, it’s “not at this time thank you”!

Thanksgiving is M’s favourite holiday.  For him, it has to do with togetherness.  He invites all his children, their moms, neighbours, friends, and anyone else that you would like to bring along.  I don’t mind it at all as I basically get along with everyone there.  Right now M has a friend with benefits.  I know her and get along with her. He invited her to this year’s dinner.  M’s reason behind inviting her was that she recently lost a family member, and would be alone for Thanksgiving.  Based on that reason, I agreed. My answer to M was, “I deserve a freaking medal”!  As it turned out, she had Thanksgiving with a friend who was not feeling well.

Again, I’m not saying that you should invite the OSO over unless you want to.  However, if your partner wants to spend some part of the holiday with their OSO, maybe you should compromise.  But what about traditions Scarlett?  Start new ones.  I was married to a cop for twenty years.  His OSO was his job. Maybe that’s why I can sort of handle being alone for all the holidays. Thanksgiving was spent with my child and me going to a family member’s house.  If he had to work on Christmas Day, we celebrated on Christmas Eve. Birthdays were celebrated on his day off. These became our “traditions”. You have to look and see what’s important to you and TALK to your partner about it.  However, don’t become a doormat.

Have your partner give reasons as why they want to spend that day and that time with their OSO.  When M gave his reason as to why he wanted his friend over at Thanksgiving, I understood.  If you want your partner home on the first night of Hanukkah because it means that much to you, then say that.  Don’t give in and give up your holiday because you don’t want to cause problems between you two; but also don’t deny your partner time with the other significant other either.  That causes resentment.  Talk with your partner and come to an agreement that all you can live with.