Rules/Boundaries – All relationships need them

Every relationship – husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. – has rules/ boundaries.  Mono/ Poly relationships are no exception.  Just like other relationships, these rules/boundaries should be talked over by everyone and reviewed/revised from time to time together.  For this post everyone means the primary relationship -husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend for starters.

Now for those who are new to all of this, there are primary and secondary relationships.  The definition from the More Than Two A practical guide to ethical polyamory   book is:  Primary/secondary: A hierarchical relationship structure in which partners who are higher in the hierarchy are referred to as “primary” and other partners are referred to as “secondary.”  I’m not a fan of this definition, but this one from Wikipedia about a primary relationship, I feel, explains it better.  Ground rules within relationships: participants might agree that the maintenance of a particular relationship takes priority over others, making that relationship 'primary'.  

Reading books and posts about polyamory relationships and mono/poly relationships, a set of rules/boundaries should be in place.  Let me tell you, this topic of conversation, from a mono/open’s point of view, is surreal.  You are going from rules/boundaries like “no beers when granny is around” to “I would like you to practice safe sex”. From my point of view as a mono, when we started talking about rules/boundaries, I was way out of my comfort zone.  When we first started talking about rules/boundaries, I’m thinking to myself, “I feel like I’m talking to a kid going off to college, not my partner!  Practice safe sex dear!”  I know that this is going to sound weird, but as we talked about rules/boundaries, the easier it became. When M says that he’s interested in someone, we review our rules/boundaries and revise it as needed.  So now, instead of thinking how strange this is, I think of this as something to keep everyone safe and on the same page. 

Your agreed upon list of rules/boundaries can be as simple or as complex as you two want.  Here is our list and the reasons behind them. 

 (1)  If I don’t know the person already and you want to pursue this relationship after three “dates”, then I want to meet her.  I would like to meet the person that M is interested in and go over the list of rules/boundaries so that everyone is on the same page.  I also feel that meeting each other would put the other’s fears to rest.  I can also put a face to a name; and if I have concerns about this relationship I can express them.   

         

(2)  Weekends are mine. This was stated because when we started our relationship, M was seeing someone from his job.  At that time, we lived an hour away from each other.  My reasoning was that he saw her every day at work and then maybe one or twice a week after work; so I wanted weekends which M agreed to. I am flexible about this rule/boundary though.  A friend of M’s loves horse racing and goes on Friday nights to the local track.  She asked M if he would like to go with her one Friday night.  He said that he would ask me as this was one of our rules/boundaries.  I had no problem with him going.  However, if it had become a weekly thing, then he and I would have to sit and discuss it.  There have been times that in conversation M would say that a friend was talking about going to a show or something.  I would say to M that if he would wanted to go, I would be ok with it.  Sometimes he would go, and other times he would say that he wasn’t interested in going.  

 (3and 4) To M: Please tell me when you are going out with someone; and to the other person: Respect our time together. By M telling me when he is spending time with someone, I will not call or text him unless it’s an emergency.  In the same token I ask that the other person does not call or text during our time unless it’s an emergency.                                                                                                               

 (5) Please call me when you get home. Our relationship is complex and unique.  We are committed to each other and have exchanged commitment rings, but we do not live together.   I ask that M calls when he gets home so that I know he is safe.  

 (6) You need to practice safe sex.  ‘Nuff said.                                                         

(7) I’m not sharing my toys, so use only the toys that we bought for your “toy box”. It’s a mind thing for me.  I personally don’t care if those toys are boiled, bleached, and cleaned 500 different ways, someone else used them.  I’m that person who has to wash new clothes because someone may have tried them on.  Plus these are ours.  They’re special.                                                                                               

(8) If you have sex at your place, please change the sheets after. Again, for me it’s that head thing like in rule/boundary number 7.

Some couples have more complex rules/boundaries like the veto rule. I have heard of couples doing this.  The primary person meets the “new” person that their partner is interested in, and if they don’t “like” that person, tells their partner ‘no way.”  The partner then stops the new relationship from continuing.  My personal view of this is don’t do it.   I feel that it will cause resentment with your partner.  Has M been in a relationship that I didn’t like? Yes, and I told both of them that.  I didn’t veto the relationship.  M and I had many long discussions where I kept saying that I didn’t approve of it, but there was a reason for this to happen.  That relationship didn’t last; and M sees it as learning experience in that it made him clearer in what he wants in another relationship.  He would not have “learned” what he is looking for if I had vetoed it.

The bottom line is that we have an agreed upon list of rules/boundaries.  It gives me a say keeping everyone safe, and in my opinion, gives respect to our primary relationship.