I
am in what people would call a mono/poly relationship. I am monogamous and my partner, M, is
polyamorous. At least these are the
labels that society gave us and in a group that is what we call ourselves when
we describe ourselves. We, however,
would like to call ourselves Open. While
I choose not to have romantic/sexual relationships with others (monogamy kicking
in), M is open to having other relationships with others (polyamory kicking
in). I’m saying that we’re open because
M is having other relationships and I’m open to him having them.
Why
am I starting this blog? We've been
together for three and a half years and have been through a lot as an open
couple. With respect to others, from
what I have seen all the stuff that is out on mono/poly relationships is that
they are written by poly people. So if
us mono’s try to look up things on how to deal with things such as jealousy,
anger and the occasional blues, we get the poly version. Now I know that these things creep up in all
types of relationships, but when you are looking for the “been there” company,
you really aren't getting it from a mono’s point of view (no offense to polys). And if you try to get other mono’s (sounds
like the illness) take on things, I've found that you get the toxic “been
there” venom with no ways on how to help you deal with them.
Sure
there are books out there and some are really good places to start, but after
that, we mono/open people are still scratching our heads and going “now what”?
I have gone so far as to buy a workbook about how to deal with jealousy that is
written by a poly counselor. When I got
to about the third or fourth page this person writes that if you are in a
mono/poly relationship and you are a mono, the relationship is “doomed” (my
word); and the writer’s advice is that you should not get involved with
someone who is not your relationship
orientation. Sorry luv, things happen
and people cannot help who they fall in love with. And if we do fall for a poly, then it’s our
choice to try to make it work; and if we fall in love with someone who later
wants to try poly, again it’s our choice to make it work.
I would like to blog about what works for us
and hopefully will work for you too.
May I PM you?
ReplyDeleteWow! I can't believe I stumbled on this blog. My fiancé and I are mono/poly (I'm mono) and it's been... a struggle for lack of a better word. I'm at my breaking point and we're seeking counseling, but your blog is a form of inspiration to me. I've only read a few entries thus far, but I am very thankful that there's another voice like mine out there.
ReplyDeleteThis blog is a godsend!
ReplyDeleteI have recently become involved with a poly oriented partner (mono here), and have been at a loss to find substantial material from the mono's point of view. Despite you being female and myself, male (as I'm sure the experience varies between each sex), It feels like you are writing about my exact feelings, emotions, and concerns.
It is great to finally find a positive "it can work" source, as opposed to the countless testimony after testimony of "get out now", "it'll never work".
Please keep doing what you are doing!
Thank you thank you thank you!
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ReplyDeleteThank you!!! My wife and I have been together for 11 years... And we were both raised in heavily religious families. About three years ago I began to admit I was different. Poly as it turns out. It clarified so many reasons for why I am how I am. We had a disastrous first attempt at opening up. Even split for a while due to acting out. But... We've worked through many trials to remain together. She tried swinging with me but she is monogamous. And she gets very envious at times... Sometimes jealous. And so we've adopted a DADT. But it feels like I have to lie. Come up with excuses, and pretend to be monogamous when I'm with her, even tho we both know I'm making up reasons to be with someone else. Her security and feelings are paramount to me. And I understand her perspective. I used to share it. I want to consistently show her how important she is. This is the only blog I've found that gives advice on how to care for her, instead of emphasising getting my needs met by her. I was beginning to lose hope that this can be worked out. Because I refuse to give up if she is willing to work with me. So THANK YOU AGAIN!
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