Before
you start to burn the sage, hold up
crosses, splash around the holy water, and yelling “Be healed!” know that it’s
not the end of the world. First off, you
do have choices. If you are in a
relationship and your sweetie wants to open it up, you can call it a day. If you are just starting a relationship and
they say that they are poly, you can call it a day. Either way you can say “So long.” It’s your choice. HOWEVER, before you do that knee jerk
reaction, I strongly urge you to stop and think about it.
First,
I would suggest that the two of you sit and talk. M and I always say to people communication,
communication, and more communication!
We also say that in order for things to work you must be open and honest
with each other – even if it hurts. I
don’t mean that you lash out at your partner.
I mean that you put on the big person pants and you sit and talk like
the adults that you are. Ask your partner
about the poly lifestyle, more specifically what their definition is of the
poly lifestyle. I walked into my
relationship knowing that M was poly/open.
He told me about him being poly/open on the second date. What transpired were quite a few lengthy
discussions about poly/openness: what was his definition of poly/open and what
was he looking for in other relationships. We still have those discussions just
to check in and be on the same page so to speak.
Second,
you should research the poly lifestyle and what it is on your own. Don’t go by what friends say – do your own
homework. Go on morethantwo.com or other
poly web sites. There are some great
books out there that you can get lots of info from. The books that I read were The Ethical
Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, and More Than Two A practical
guide to ethical polyamory by
Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. The More than Two book just came out a
few months ago, but it is filled with good general information about what poly
is. I say general because poly/open is different
for each person. Again, you two need to
talk about what poly/open means to them.
Make
a list of your partner’s good (and if you want bad) points. Also include all the good things that you see
in this relationship. Look at them and
ask yourself if this person is someone that you want to make a go of in a
relationship.
Now
comes the hard part. You must now look
at yourself. You must now look at your
demons. Are you willing to allow your
partner to be who they are? Being
poly/open is who they are. Your partner
has probably done some serious soul searching on their part to figure out who
they are. You cannot, nor should you try
to change them to being monogamous. If
you try that, there will be serious resentment issues. There is a poly term for that: it’s called
being a cowboy or a cowgirl. You rope
your partner in a relationship and then try to change them. Not a good idea. I accept M for who his is
and wouldn’t even think of changing him.
It’s an all or nothing package. Are you willing to look at who you are
and be who you are? What I mean by that
is I have heard so many people say that they don’t know who they are as a
person. In a mono/poly relationship both
of you are learning about who you are.
You can do this together supporting each other. Are you willing to spend some time alone
without your partner? It’s called
independence. Both M and I are fiercely
independent, but we both support each other in what we want to do. M is into photography and I’m still trying
different things that I want to do (like this blog). I help him and he helps me.
If
you can honestly say that you can, or will really try, to do all of the above
things, then you should give the relationship a go. It’s not going to be easy but it’s a
start. If you cannot and feel that you
must have that cute little house with the picket fence, where your partner
drives into the driveway every night at 5:30 on the dot where you greet them
with fresh baked cookies ala a Disney film, then walk away as this type of
relationship is not for you.
You speak of 'learning about who you are'. I think it is important to try to not get to the point (which you can't do) of 'knowing who you (or your partner) are (is)'. Because we are all changing and growing all the time. Staying in touch with this changing process in ourselves and those we care about helps avoid the 'growing apart' problem which plagues many established relationships.
ReplyDeleteI agree. What I am saying is that in relationships, one or both people get caught up with either each other, or family issues, that they forget to have or make time for themselves. If they do, then it is limited. We should know who we are and also remember to expand ourselves.
DeleteYou may be mono, but you are writing from a very narrow and shallow perspective. Your very first salvo was pretty flippant. Just walk away. Very easy to do if you're just starting out, if you aren't already married to them with a life built together, kids, home and hearth, and those fresh-baked cookies you sneer at. And the cutesy derogatory name for someone who tries to force monogamy on a poly person? Cowboy/cowgirl. Is there an equally snippy term for someone who unilaterally changes the relationship dynamic from monogamy to open? Someone who after years and years in a loving monogamous marriage just decides, hey! I want more lovers, and you need to get on board or get out? Or is it just mono people who get trashed in poly lingo? Your situation is blissfully uncomplicated, and I'm very happy you're not facing anything more difficult, but you might want to describe your blog as advice for single mono people who knowingly get involved with a poly person.
ReplyDeleteThat "cutesy derogatory"name is what is used in poly circles - it is not of my own making. I understand that there are situations where it appears that it is difficult to walk away, but even in mono/mono relationships divorce happens. I understand that you are upset with the situation that you are in as it apears that this is not what you signed up for from the beginning.
DeleteAs for my situation, it is far from being uncomplicated. Like I said in my first post, everything that is out there is from a poly point of view and I would like to give a mono/open slant on things.
While I understand your sincerely meant advice warning agianst becoming a cowboy/cowgirl, this really does not apply to a mono partner who shares a long established hearth, home and even children with a newly out poly partner. The evolution in a marriage/partnership from exclusive to poly is complicated and long - full of conflicting feelings on both parts. Labelling the mono partner, with all of her conflicintg feelings, as a "cowgirl" reduces this intricate process to a comic strip, disregarding the tremendous courage and respect she shows on a daily basis in her willingness to stay in a marriage whose very foundation has shifted mightily beneath her feet. I say this as the poly partner to a mono husband who has shown me more about living, breathing commitment than anyone else in this world.
ReplyDelete~ Karen
Then let me explain by what I mean by the cowboy/cowgirl. If you are starting a relationship and you feel that you can change this poly person into a mono person, that is what is meant by being a cowgirl/boy. If you are already in a relationship and your partner says that they would like to open it up, by all means you are not a cowgirl/boy. You didn't walk into that relationship knowing that your partner was poly. Sounds like you have a wonderful husband who is willing and is open to you being poly. This is what I mean that a mono/poly relationship can work.,
DeleteThank you for beginning this blog from the mono point of view. I'm poly and recently opened up to my mono wife of 10 years. Communication and honesty have been the biggest help, with both of us being there for each other whenever we feel insecure or hurt. Please keep up this blog, we all have a lot to learn and share about this topic.
ReplyDelete-T
Thank you for starting this blog it is good to have a positive spin on this very complicated type of relationship. I do hope this does not become a debate on the use of terms and phrases since that in itself is a problem within relationships of all types already and should be a separate blog topic.
ReplyDeleteI am in a long term marriage 30+ years and have come out in our relationship as poly with a basically mono wife. I can say it presents many challenges and in many ways has helped both of us rekindle and strengthen our love for each other. It also opens up a lot of emotions and as you mention demons dealing with jealousy and envy which I am finding are two completely different issues.
Thank you again!
~R
Hi R. How did you and your wife deal with your poly life? I am sure that there was a lot of hurt, but how did she adjust? I am going through the same thing, I am mono and my husband came out as poly after several years of marriage.
ReplyDelete-Y
In the beginning it was very hurtful and at times felt like it would tear us apart. In time with a good deal of communication it became more clear for both of us that freedom to explore each of our desires (mine being poly and hers being mono) could be done without taking anything away from each other I think it is important to be able to have compassion for each other and own the effects each choice each of us make. I say this because for us it was important to keep our communication about one effect at a time and not let it shift to a broader discussion which tends to happen when emotions take over. One more thing and I will see if this helps and needs further discussion. I found that I was no longer dating my wife, telling her I love her and showing her I do by the way I touch her. The result was I loved her more than I realized and became more aware of her needs. So now I seduce her at times and date her instead of her feeling like she is missing out. Se is finding that she can love me as a poly man. It takes time, commitment and lots of love to drag a mono partner into the world of poly.
DeleteI see I did not sign it
Delete~R
I really like what you are starting here :) However, if I may add a point of view, I wouldn't equate wanting a white picket fence and a partner coming home to cookies with monogamy. That describes some of what poly people I know want. It also isn't what all monogamous people I know want. :)
ReplyDeleteI am mono and married. My partner of over a decade came out as poly several months ago. Nothing has happened yet, but I am just a mess. We are in counesling but I feel no better. Neither one of us wants to leave, we love each other very much. I just don't know how to handle this. Sometimes I feel as if I am really going crazy. The pain is not going away.
ReplyDeleteSorry that you feel like you do. It's understandable how you feel. Believe me, it still hurts when M is with someone else;it's not all roses. Please read about setting up rules and boundaries. Still need a shoulder to cry on, IM me. ~Hugs~
Delete