WTF!!!

I know that on my blog introduction that I said that I would give my advice on how to make a mono/poly/open relationship work.  But right now I am going to vent a little and still give some advice to boot.

From time to time I go back and re-read parts from the polyamory books.  I do this for my own self-assurance.  Yes, I know that I always talk things over - sometimes to death - with M, but there are times that you need to see or hear it somewhere else.  Anyway, I was looking over the chapter about nurturing relationships in More Than Two, and I came across a story about how relationships change.  The story is about a friend of Franklin’s whose husband didn't like sushi.  The wife tried for some time to get him to try it; but he refused saying “he was not interested in raw fish strapped to rice with electrical tape”.  The wife gave up trying to get hubby to try sushi.  Hubby (who is poly) starts dating a new person who also likes sushi.  This new person asks him to go to a sushi place.  Instead of refusing, he goes, tries it, and is now a fan of sushi.  The story goes on to say that the wife is not a happy camper because she had tried to get him to try sushi and he refused, but he tried it for the first time with someone else.  Franklin goes on to write that while the primary partner’s feelings got hurt because they should be the ones who should share experiences first, people do change and not in the ways or times that we would like them to. 

First off I would like to say that on Franklin’s more than two website he writes about another scenario like this and says that while he would not be upset if his partner tried something new and brought it back to him, his feelings towards this is not the norm. I would also like to state that More Than Two is an excellent book and I do recommend it for people to read. That being said, I will move on.

My take on this is that hubby should bow his head in shame for not sharing this experience with his wife.  She had been trying to get him to do this for months on end and he refused. Now because that cute new person asked you, you tried it?  What, to impress her?  I wonder if this happened when hubby broke the news to wifey.  Hey Judy (not their real names)!  Guess what!  I went with Jean to that Japanese place and had some sushi.  You were right!  It really is good! Judy, why do you have that frying pan in your hands and screaming die hubby die?  I wonder if the wife can look at sushi in the same light again.  Yes, she can say that she’s glad that he’ll go with her for sushi from now on, but knowing the reason for him liking it can be difficult to get over. I feel what hubby should have done was to say to himself, “Gee, both of them like sushi.  I can do two things.  One is to tell the new person that I don’t like sushi just like I tell my wife.  Or two, I’ll go with the wife and try sushi seeing that she has been asking me for some time to try it.”

 I had a similar experience with M.  One summer, we were asked on numerous occasions to go kayaking.  I’ve never been so I was eager to try it.  M, on the other hand, kept saying that he used to do it but wasn’t interested.  We talked about it and I let it go because he wasn’t interested in going. M was starting to see an old friend of his last summer.  They went out for dinner one night and she said that she would like to go kayaking and had two kayaks.  He said that he would be into it.  M called me afterwards and told me about the possibility of them going kayaking.  I blew a fit over the phone. Actually, blowing a fit may be understated. An atomic explosion would be more like it. I started yelling, “How can you go kayaking with her when I have asked you many times and you said no,” along with the famous battle cries that everyone gives of “It’s not fair!” and “What the fuck!”  I told M that I felt hurt and how would he feel if the situation was reversed.  After I had calmed down, we talked about it.  M agreed that he too would be hurt had the situation been reversed.  We came to an understanding that we would do more new things together.  As an aside, things didn’t work out and they didn’t go kayaking. However because of this situation, M and I came to a good level/change in our relationship.  Kayaking is on our “to do” list for the summer.

I remember when I started going with M four years ago; I went on a poly site which I can’t find now.  On this site there was an article written by a guy about “How to ruin a relationship if you are a poly”.  In it the guy writes that one way to ruin a relationship is to do something with the other person that your main partner has asked you to do and you refused.  Another is to tell your main partner that you learned something from your other person and that you would like to try it with them.  While I agree with both statements, the second one doesn't have to be a deal breaker if you modify it a bit.

In the article the example that the author gave on how to ruin a relationship was the poly person saying to his primary partner, “Honey, I learned this really great sex move from Molly and thought that you would like trying it.”  Trust me, if I heard that sentence from M, he better run fast and hide all the frying pans. You want to sneak it in without saying anything, great as we are always trying out different things; but don’t tell me where you got it from. But, if M said that the person he’s seeing would like to go and do something that we haven’t thought of doing, then I would be open to hearing about it and possibly asking if he and I could do it too some time.  In my blog titled “Rules/Boundaries”, I mentioned that M was seeing someone who liked to go to horse races.  I never thought of attending a horse race so I never suggested that idea to him.  When M told me about being asked to go, I didn’t get upset that he was doing something new without me.  I told him to have a good time. When he got home, he called and told me that he had a blast.  He asked if I would be open to going to a horse race some time to which I said yes.  M did something new without me and it didn't ruin our relationship.

I guess I have two pieces of advice to give you.  Advice number one is for the poly partner.  Think before you try something new.  If it is something that your main partner has been asking for you to do, then try it with them first. If the situation was reversed, I bet that you would not be doing handstands.  It will also avoid a lot of hurt feelings.  Advice number two is for the mono/open person.  If your partner tries something new with the new person (and it’s something that you haven’t thought of) don’t be upset.  It could be something that you two can do together and enjoy.