Semantics

I don’t like it that M goes on “dates” with others.  However, I don’t mind if he goes “out for dinner” or “invites someone over to his place for dinner”.  Why?  It’s the same thing isn’t it?  Yes, but it’s the words that make me feel better about it.  Everyone feels uncomfortable about things.  It’s the way that they’re worded that makes it easier to deal with.  It’s like Monty Python’s Black Knight saying that his amputated limbs are flesh wounds; or the scene in the Mel Brook’s movie Men in Tights where the Sheriff of Rottingham laughingly tells the king the bad news so it doesn’t sound so horrible.  Look, our mono/open wiring makes it sometimes difficult for us to handle that we have a poly partner; do we have to add words that also make it uncomfortable for us too?

M and I were discussing at one time about him going out with someone, and each of us used different words to describe it.  We were holding fast to the words that we used and agreed that it was a matter of semantics.  He didn’t think that it was a date; rather that it was “going out with someone”.  I thought that it was a date, but I didn't like using that word “date”.  We talked about what “date” meant to each of us.  We agreed that yes, it was a date, but that word made us both uncomfortable.  So now we both feel comfortable using the phrase “I’m going out to dinner/whatever with someone”. By us using the “I’m going to dinner” phrase, it could be just that.  At times it’s just M and someone having only dinner; and sometimes it’s not.  

 I also have a comfortable phrase that I use if I go somewhere and someone asks where M is.  I use “He had other plans for the evening” and that seems to go well.  Those who know that we are mono/poly understands that it means M is with someone else, and those that don’t know just go with the phrase itself.

I know that it’s hard knowing that your partner is out with someone else, so let’s try to make it easier on ourselves by calling it something that we feel comfortable with.  If you know that your partner sees their other every (let’s say) Wednesday, how about calling it Greg’s (or Linda’s) night out?  Talk to your partner about what to call their time with their other person.  By talking and agreeing to a word or a phrase that you both use, it should help you be more comfortable when your poly partner goes out.