The Jealousy Monster and How to Deal With It

Jealousy occurs in any type of relationship.  It can happen in a traditional monogamous relationship, the poly/poly relationship as well as an open/ mono/poly relationship.  Jealousy can be defined as a state of fear, suspicion or envy caused by a real or imagined threat.  There are many different ways to deal with this monster too; the object is to find one that works for you.

First, let’s deal with the jealousy monster first. Being the monos in our relationships, we have a lot to deal with.  We have to deal with our mono wiring and undo/relearn/rethink everything about relationships.  So while we’re trying to handle this new aspect of our lives, the jealousy monster sees it as a perfect opportunity to enter the picture.

What happens to you when you become jealous?  According to Kathy Labriola’s  paper, Unmasking the Green Eyed Monster: Managing Jealousy In Open Relationships, she writes: “Jealousy can manifest as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded.”  That’s a big monster; and it could become bigger if we allow it to!  The key words here are IF WE ALLOW IT TO!  Let’s look at the definition and manifestations of jealousy so we can understand it.

Ok, the definition starts out as jealousy can be defined as a state of fear. Ask yourself, fear of what? Being completely replaced by another?  Dropping down the corporate ladder to being number two?  That the other person is smarter, has a better build, is cuter, or better in other things than you? Everyone has those fears myself included. The definition goes on to say that those fears are caused by a real or imagined threat.  Is what you fear in this relationship real?  Have you been completely replaced?  Dropped down that ladder to the second rung? What about the other person?  Are they your fears in person?  In the beginning of our relationship, I was afraid of dropping down a few rungs and/or being replaced completely.  That’s no longer there.  I know that it was an imagined thing.  The smarter, cuter, better thing is still there even though I know that it’s an imagined threat to me too. Now get in touch of what happens to you when these fears enter your head. For me it’s hurt, sadness, anger (at myself for allowing these thoughts in my head) to name a few.

So now we know what’s making us jealous and what happens when we do.  What we have to do is confront jealousy so we don’t go into flying fits of rage like Godzilla whenever our partner goes out with someone else. Some articles that I looked at suggest on owning up to your feelings.  Ok, so I get some form of jealousy from time to time whenever M goes out with someone.  Yea, I owned up.  I got some jealousy going.  They’re my feelings not his.  Now what?  Actually no matter how you deal with jealousy, you will have to be honest with yourself.  So now we’re dealing with the jealousy monster and the ouchies.   Well suit up people cause this is going to get real.

So how do I deal with the jealousy monster?  I do the two year old child thing.  I keep asking myself WHY.  Why am I upset that M is out tonight? Answer: I’m home alone and he’s out with someone. Why are you home alone? Well, I could call up some friends and go out too. Or I could go out to the local bookstore for coffee and look at books.  Ok, that could work (see blog titled Me Time). Another answer: She could turn out to be that smarter, better person at everything than me. Why do you think that? My own insecurities are to blame.  I could ask to meet her to calm my fears.  After all we did agree for me to meet anyone new after the third date if I don’t know them already. And I know that I eat well, exercise, take care of myself and love to do things, so again it’s my insecurities kicking in. Another answer (probably my main answer): He’ll be having sex and it’s not with me.  Why does that bother you? My mono wiring and my religious upbringing are to blame for this one. I can undo the upbringing part but the mono wiring can’t be undone for me so I’ll have to deal with that. But the real thing in dealing with jealousy is trust and action because there are times that even doing this why thing doesn’t cut it.

Trust and action are strong words.  They are the key to deal with the jealousy monster.  I believe that there has to be trust and action in any relationship. Trust and action takes two people: you to trust your partner; and your partner’s actions to make you trust them.  Like I said earlier, I use to think that I would be replaced or dropped down a few rungs.  No more.  Why?  I trust M when he says that our relationship is solid and he’s in it for the long haul. I know that it is solid and we’re in it all the way.  We exchanged commitment rings. We accept each other for who we are and support each other’s choices.  We are always there for each other and have shown that to each other countless times.  Trust can come easy for some people or – like me – it has to come with time as I have serious trust issues.  If you’re like me and it takes time, ask your partner to give you reassurance that everything is fine.  One Valentine’s Day M wrote this beautiful card on what he likes about our relationship.  I framed it and it sits on my dresser.  Whenever that jealousy monster creeps in and the why thing doesn’t work, I will read that letter.  That works for me.

 Still have those trust issues and that jealousy monster is kicking in?  This is what I call the last resort.   Imagine yourself trapped on the second floor of a fiery building.  Your partner is outside yelling for you to jump and that they will catch you.  Will you jump?  I asked this to a friend of mine when she was having jealousy issues with her boyfriend.  Her answer was yes she would jump.  Well, if you trust your partner to catch you, why wouldn’t you trust them in other situations? By the way, I would jump too; no problem.  Trust is like poison to the jealousy monster.

These are the ones that work for me.  The goal to taming the jealousy monster is to find what works for you. Jealousy is normal, it’s how we deal with it that makes or breaks a relationship.