Kumbaya

So your partner has another partner, or is dating someone, and they feel that you and the OSO should be friends to make life easier.  They think that maybe all of you can go out together; you know the James Bond thing - a person on each arm. I call it the Kumbaya effect.

In your poly partner’s world, they feel that you and their other partner should become friends so that things like spending time between you and the OSO will be smoother.  Everybody will get along and we’ll all be smiley happy people. It’s just short of world peace to them.  But in our mono/open world, it’s a cross between “It may be do-able, to a point”, and the famous 1960’s cry of “Hell no! We won’t go!”  So the question is: Can we all get along as friends?

The answer to that is: it depends on if you like your partner’s other person.  You see, you have to understand your partner’s wiring.  They are wired to have more than one relationship and honestly don’t understand why us mono’s can’t be friends with everyone involved.  For us mono’s however, that’s like having everyone in your family getting along famously with no drama whatsoever.  It doesn’t exist in our realm of thinking due to our wiring. However, we can be friends with the OSO to a point.  Here’s where you and your partner talk about boundaries regarding said friendship.

M has a friend– I’ll call her Jill.  Jill and I know each other and get along well.  I have been to her house for a party and helped her set up for a garage sale.  All three of us have gone out for lunch at one time too.  Jill and M have discussed taking this friendship of theirs to the “friends with benefits” stage.  The original rules/boundaries that we have for other relationships still stay in place.  Yes, I’ll still stay friends with Jill but with limits.   Here’s where the new rules/boundaries regarding my friendship comes into play.  I won’t go out with both Jill and M because it would be awkward.  If M showed any display of affection towards Jill, I would become upset (jealousy monster); and if M showed any affection towards me, then I would feel bad for Jill.  However, I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her without M because I believe that we would be on the same field (sorry M), and she and I really do get along together.  M and I have discussed this and even though he’s not in total agreement, he understands my reasons/feelings behind this.  M said that Jill has some concerns about how taking her and M’s friendship to the next level may affect her and I still being friends.  I suggested that we all sit down and discuss all concerns, rules/boundaries so that we’re all in agreement.  Maybe you have met the OSO and would like to be friends to a certain level.  Then my advice would be for all to sit and talk and all be in agreement with it.

Now, what if you don’t want to have any dealings with your partner’s OSO? The “Hell no! We won’t go!” view? It’s perfectly ok to have that view, and your partner needs to understand and accept it.  After all, you’re not dating that person, your partner is, but they do impact your life whether you like it or not.  You don’t have to be friends.  Basically, you just have to tolerate them.  Yes, I said tolerate.  Not everything is rosey in mono/poly land.

A few years ago, M started a relationship with “Penny”.  Seeing that I didn’t know her, the meet after three dates rule applied.  From what M told me about Penny, I wasn’t thrilled with his choice.  A few days before the scheduled meet-up M says to me that Penny can’t wait to “Meet her competition (said with a laugh)”.  As I’m a huge Harry Potter fan, what went through my head when M said that was Hogwart’s school motto: Never tickle a sleeping dragon!  And I’m the dragon! When we all met, I brought up my concerns about her and their pending relationship, but said that they were adults and to do what they want within the rules/boundaries.  Just leave me out of the friend department thank you very much. I could have been evil and threw a fit whenever M and Penny met, but I didn’t. To be fair, I would roll my eyes whenever Penny’s name came up, and the hair on my head would bristle.  Hey, I’m not a saint by any means!  Once M said in a passing conversation that Penny’s only day off was on Saturday. Even though Saturdays is our time together, I offered to give up that day so M could see Penny (and no, I didn’t offer in a nasty way).  Things didn’t work between them but they do talk to each other every now and then.  Again, you and your partner need to have an open honest discussion as to why you won’t or don’t want to be friends with his OSO.

So can there be Kumbaya?  To a point yes there can be.  Can there be total Kumbaya?  In my book, only if there are people sitting around a campfire, roasting marshmallows, and someone brings out a guitar.