Do You Have to Air Your Laundry?

Not everyone knows about our relationship being mono/poly.  Most of M’s family knows that he’s poly, but not his co-workers.  Some of my friends know that M’s a poly, but not my family.  Do you have to air the laundry and tell everyone that you or your partner is poly? Nope.  Some things are better left unsaid.  You know mostly who you can trust and who will have the verbal diarrhea. I told a co-worker about M’s and my mono/poly status.  A few days later she posted something on my social media which read: “He said that he wanted an open relationship. So I threw him out the open window.  It will be an open casket, with an open bar after the funeral”.  The comment she posted with this was “I saw this and thought of you”.  She was trying to be funny, but I was upset by it and she did apologize. 

Not everyone can think outside the box, and that’s ok.  For me, I see lots of positive things by being in my relationship with M.  For others, they will see negative points.  I guess it’s the old half empty or half full glass thing.  So, you’ll have to ask yourself if you would like to air your laundry.

When I told some of my friends that we have this mono/poly relationship, I heard “what’s a poly”?  Then when I explained what it is, I got the following: “oh, justified cheating… so it’s another name for player… that’s not keeping with any religious teaching… and… isn’t it another term for let’s see other people with no commitment to anyone?”  I know that M heard a lot worse when he told people that he’s poly. 

Now I know that the books on poly do not cover whether or not you should tell people about your type of relationship.  However, Franklin Veaux on his More Than Two website recently posted his views on whether you should tell others of you are poly. So now I’m going to post my mono/open views.

If you feel that you are strong enough to constantly explain your relationship and get (mostly) negative feedback on it, then tell everyone.  My friends may not agree with this type of relationship for themselves, but they see how it works for us and therefore are supportive of M and me.  They have also taken parts from our relationship like the openness, honesty, and constant communication and have added it to their mono relationships.   I believe that our friends see the love, respect, and trust that M and I have for each other and are more open in accepting others having a mono/poly relationship. Telling your family may be another story in itself.

The reason why I haven’t told my family is that they aren’t supportive on most issues.  They are so in the box it’s scary!  I’ve always been out of the box on many things so I know about being “harassed” by family.  It has worn me down and has made me second guess myself in the past – hence my insecurities.  If you have a supportive family like M does, great! Tell away!  If you have a family like I do, or you’re not sure how they’ll react, then test the waters first.  Ask them what they think about shows on TV like Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating (personally I haven’t seen it as I don’t like reality TV).  If you get negative responses, then you can decide if you want to spoon feed parts about your relationship that you know they can handle.  For example, my dad belonged to a senior center where he loved playing bridge.  Some of his bridge partners were women.  They would call the house to see if Dad was planning to play that day and if he needed a ride home as my mom would drop him off there.  My mom knew these women too and would jokingly call them his girlfriends.  So seeing that my parents can relate to women friends, I can talk about M having female friends.  I don’t go any further and it works. 

Again, do you have to air your laundry with your family or with anyone? It’s your choice.  To quote a ‘60’s song: “It’s your thing. Do what you want to do.”