The Poly Mono Letters

The topics that are going on mono/poly or just poly sites now are about how the poly person doesn’t understand why their mono/open partner isn’t agreeing with the poly’s line of thinking at the moment.  One couple recently moved to another state and the poly partner doesn’t understand why they were asked by their mono partner to stop looking for new people for a while so that they and their mono/poly partner can settle into their new surroundings.  The poly partner wasn’t asked to stop completely, just enough do help unpack and settle in.  The poly was posting/venting that this wasn’t fair to them.  Another poly partner can’t understand why their mono/open partner won’t agree to letting his new love move in with them as the mono/open partner feels uncomfortable living together in one house Kumbaya style.  I would like to address this in two letters:  One to the poly people, and the other to the mono/open people.

Poly Letter

Dear Poly People;

Some people like apples while others like oranges.  Some people like kink and others like vanilla.  You like the poly way of life while your partner likes the mono/open way of living.   Keep it in your head that it’s all good.  Your partner is not forcing you to jump back into monogamy, so don’t force them into poly-hood.  I have read many posts about how your mono partners “do not understand you”.  Believe my babes, they do; or else they would not be in the relationship with you.

 So your partner asked you to help settle in before seeking new loves.  If M and I moved to a new state and he got pissy because I asked him to help settle in (which I know he would not get pissy over that– not his nature), I know where to get salt peter which would be added to his food.  What’s the big deal in waiting?  Moving to a new state is unsettling to say the least.  You and your partner should work together to make each other feel safe and comfortable before you start looking for new loves.

 And you the “Kumbaya poly” who wants to move in the new love and is ticked that your mono/open partner isn’t agreeing to it – word of advice: do not move ahead with that plan.  M and I met a poly couple at a luncheon.  She was the poly and was there with her love.  Hubby – who was mono - stayed home with their children.  She told us that she told hubby (not discussed it) that she was opening up their relationship.  About a few months later she met her love.  She announced to hubby that the love was moving in – period.  For the children’s sake hubby is there and is tolerating it.  When M and I left the luncheon, we were upset that the hubby wasn’t included or was consulted in those plans.   To us that situation is a bomb waiting to go off. What you should do instead is ask your partner if they would be comfortable with all of you living in either the same apartment building/complex, or in a two family house.  You’re technically under the same roof, but each of you will have your own space.

With both situations though I have to ask: Besides the openness, honesty, and communication in a relationship, what happened to Respect?  Your mono/open partner deserves that too!  It’s not the “my way or the highway” attitude!  It’s a give and take and respect in any relationship!  Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss these things.  You may not get your own way; but that’s life.

Scarlett

Mono/Open Letter

Dear Mono/Open People;

Like I said before, compromise is not being a doormat.  Stand your ground!  You understand their poly wiring and you accept them for who they are.  Just because  you asked your partner to help you before looking for a love, or saying that you’re uncomfortable with their new love moving in with both of you is not “not understanding them”.

By you asking your poly partner to not look for a new love until both of you were settled in is not being unreasonable.  You wanted to work as a couple and be solid –as a couple - in this new situation before your partner added another person. Understandable.  They can’t use the poly card to get out of this one.  This is respect for each other. 

As for the moving the new love in with you deal:  You have your reasons which I hope you sat with your partner and explained that to them.  Having your poly partner constantly pushing this issue hoping that you give in is wrong.  Like I suggested in the poly letter, maybe you and your partner should discuss about the possibility of everyone living in the same apartment building/complex, or in a two family house.

Again, this has to do with respect to each other.  Both must sit and talk openly, honestly, and with respect.

Scarlett

Now I know that I was harder in one letter, but everyone should know that we all can’t get what we want in life.  If this was so, I would be living on a tropical island right now with an ice tea in my hand looking at the ocean.  All I’m asking is that we respect each other in our relationships.  Openness, honesty, communication, and respect.  Now where’s my ice tea?