Emotions Run Wild

While you are making lists, researching about polyamory while talking openly and honestly to your partner, you are going through some very heavy emotional roads.  It doesn’t matter if you are in a married/non-married live-in, or live-apart relationship. It doesn’t matter if your partner says that they’re poly after years of being mono or is poly and says that they want to have a relationship with yet another person; you are having the bombs of Armageddon going off in your head.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross came up with a model that is used to handle grief. It has seven stages:  Shock or disbelief, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Guilt, Depression, and Acceptance. Yes, it has to do originally with death and dying, but I believe that we go through some or all of these stages to some degree in relationships too.  For those whose partner has made the decision to become poly after being mono for many years, you’ll go through that shock stage.  You’ll think that they are joking with you. You’ll probably go through the denial stage too.  You’ll think that this is a “phase”, and that this is not happening.  You may get angry because of their decision.  In your mind you are thinking “how dare they do this to me!”  You may go through the other stages too: bargaining with them to try to keeps things the way they were, and setting up rules/boundaries; guilt by thinking that you did something wrong (you didn’t); depression by wishing that things would go back to the way they were.

For those whose poly partner says that they have an interest in another person, you also go through the stages but (my view) not all of them.  I feel that shock /disbelief and the denial stages are off the table because you already know that your partner is poly.  I would like to replace that with the “here we go again” stage. You are probably going through the anger phase too; but it would be something like “this is not fair”. Probably the bargaining stage too as you would be talking with your partner about reviewing or setting up rules/boundaries.  I also feel that that you would go through the guilt and depression stages as you feel guilty that you are allowing this to happen yet again (monogamy kicking in) and depressed that you are allowing yourself to feel this way.

I feel that we all go through the anger stage no matter what style of mono/poly relationship we are in. We feel that the dynamics of our relationship are going to change because someone new is joining the group.  Our insecurities kick in and we have more bombs going off in our heads. I strongly believe that this is when you need to sit down and talk to your partner about how you feel.  Tell your partner that you feel hurt, upset, angry, and any other feelings that you have.  Talk to your partner about how you and your partner, as a team, can address the issues that are upsetting to you.

The last stage of this model is acceptance. Are you willing to look outside of the box? Like I said before, being poly is who they are; just like being mono is who you are; and trying to change anyone will bring about serious issues. Are you able and willing to accept your partner for who they are?  They are the same person you love only with different beliefs/views on relationships.  I feel that relationships of any type take teamwork, and dealing with emotions is one aspect of teamwork.