This past weekend, I had some
friends up at the house. As we were
sitting having coffee, a discussion started about relationships. My friend, H, was saying that she really doesn’t
need anyone in her life on a full –time basis (she’s divorced for some time -
mono). As she was going on about this, I
asked her, “When we were younger, (20 -30’s) we all had this mindset of having a
partner in order to have kids or to fulfill a family expectation. Then when we’re all older (40’s), it’s not a
big deal to be married; so the thought of having a partner isn’t big on the
list. But when we hit retirement age (55
+), wouldn’t we want a partner to share retirement with and that you and your
partner would take care of each other?
She stopped cold, looked at me and said that she never looked at it that
way. As she thought about it, H said
that when she had major surgery and was laid up for six weeks, she had to
scramble to find people who would help her walk her dog and go food shopping
for her.
The more I thought about
this, I wondered how caring for each other when one becomes sick or has major
surgery would work in a poly relationship of any type. I have not seen this topic covered in any
books, or blogs (that I’m aware of) so I’m going to tread into the waters.
For the sake of argument I am
using the term poly to cover all types of poly relationships: poly/poly;
mono/poly; and the like. It may be a
safe bet to say that if you are the primary partner in the relationship, your
partner will be there for you. What I am
thinking about is you or your partner’s OSO’s.
What if they become sick, or have surgery that leaves them unable to get
about for some time. Or your partner
becomes ill or has surgery and their OSO’s would like to see/help them? Have you two or all of you together addressed
this?
States have living wills and
health care proxies. What if your
partner wants their OSO listed on them along, or not along, with you to make
decisions if they are unable to? Will
you be comfortable with that? And as the
OSO – are you going to be comfortable knowing that you may not get first-hand
information as you may not be allowed to be on the list of people who are
allowed information?
M and I went to a dinner
where there was a poly trio there. The
guy had gotten out of the hospital the day before. His OSO said that when she heard that he was
in; she quickly packed a bag and headed over.
Everyone was comfortable with each other so needless to say his hospital
stay was fine. Seeing that we had only
just met them, I was a bit reluctant to ask them about this topic. As we were heading back after dinner, I asked
M what his views were on this. His
answer was that he hoped that if the time comes where he is in the hospital,
everyone would work together and get along.
Another thing that all you
may want to discuss: If you are keeping
the mono/poly aspect of your relationship away from family and friends, how
will you handle it when the OSO(s) show up?
The stress level is going to be high enough without scrambling to
explain to Grandpa Joe who the other people involved are. My family knows that M has lots of female
friends, so it’s no biggie for them if someone shows affection towards M.
I personally have not gone
through any of this, but I know that someday this will happen. I also know that this topic is usually not
covered, but let’s face it, these things do happen. It’s not always lollipops and roses; and for
me, it’s not an easy topic to discuss; but it is something to think about.
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