Sunday, April 24, 2016

A Letter to the Poly People

This letter was prompted by reading/seeing/ listening from monos whose poly partners are trying to get them to “jump to the poly side” and they can’t understand why there isn’t a mad rush over the fence to the poly side.


Dear Poly Person who is in a relationship with a Mono Person;

We are all wired differently.  That’s what makes us all unique.  Our views/attitudes/beliefs towards things can differ too.   If you are planning to enter, or are already in a poly/mono relationship, here are a few things you should know about us monos.

First off, tell us -right off the bat - that you are poly.  Polyamory keeps saying that there should be openness and honesty; but not telling us this from the beginning is wrong!  We monos need time to adjust to this new line of thinking.  Maybe we’ll stay and try it out, or maybe we’ll bail.  That’s our choice; but doing “Surprise!” months into the relationship makes our choices of staying or bailing harder to do.  We don’t want to invest our energy and emotions thinking that we’re the only ones and then have a new rule book handed to us 6 months down the line.

Second, is for you to explain/discuss with us what your version of poly is.  Polyamory is different for lots of people.  Some polys may want to date other people while other polys may want more than one committed relationship.  By having this discussion with us (1) we can understand what your version of poly is compared to others and (2) where we stand in the complete picture of things. We’re not asking for a 5 year plan here.  We’re just trying to see where we are – like those “you are here” posters you see in a mall.

If you want to date others, please be certain that we monos AND us as a couple are ready for this.  Another concept in polyamory is constant communication so let’s use it!  We monos should feel (to a point) that our relationship is solid enough for you to date.  Sadly, there is no time line for this as some of us monos take longer than others to become somewhat comfortable.  So, if we ask for you not to date others while we are working on our relationship, please honour our request.  If our relationship is shaky, wouldn’t you want to fix that first before starting on another one?

One key concept in all of us –both poly and mono- is trust.  Even in polyamory if you are not open and honest about your dating, then honey you are cheating!  So please tell us when you are going on a date.  We don’t want to hear about it after the fact.  In my book that is rude and disrespectful to us!

Please don’t push poly on us. Please don’t tell us monos that we should try poly.  Understand that if you did something just to “make someone else happy” or are forced or hounded to do something that doesn’t feel right to you, you would not be a happy camper.  Also, don’t make poly announcements and expect us monos to do a happy dance. That’s pushing poly again on us. We are not going to dance yelling “yay!” when you announce that your OSO will be moving in with us and we hear the back - up beeps of a U-Haul in the driveway.  Again, communicate with us!  Openness and honesty does not disappear when we become accepting and comfortable in the mono/poly relationship.

This is NOT a letter telling you to stay away from us monos.  This IS a letter explaining to you how we monos are and what we expect in this type of relationship.

Sincerely,

Scarlett Willow


P.S.
M read this letter and said that I should explain what a mono/poly relationship should be about.  I agree.  So that's what my next blog will be about.

7 comments:

  1. Thank you for writing this Scarlett. Happy to read a fellow mono's perspective!

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  2. Scarlett, do you still think it works? Please update us. It's fine if it worked for a while and now it doesn't. You still learned a lot and spent time with an interesting person. But in the long run, I think, many monos desire a depth of connection that most cannot have with a person with whom they cannot share important aspects of their lives. Any comments?

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  3. Scarlett, do you still think it works? Please update us. It's fine if it worked for a while and now it doesn't. You still learned a lot and spent time with an interesting person. But in the long run, I think, many monos desire a depth of connection that most cannot have with a person with whom they cannot share important aspects of their lives. Any comments?

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  4. June marks our 5th year together; so yes we are still together and yes, it still works.
    I have learned a lot about myself, and ( you are right) am spending time with a very interesting and a great person.
    Can you explain what you mean by "I think, many monos desire a depth of connection that most cannot have with a person with whom they cannot share important aspects of their lives." as both M and I are not quite sure what you mean. We were looking at it as you cannot share holidays, family events and the like. We do do that though. We do holidays, birthdays and family gatherings together. We both feel very connected to each other. So if you can explain that part a bit more, then I can give you a better answer.

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  5. My love's other loves are an important part of his live that I can not share. He goes on vacations and many wonderful events with them. And I experience many beautiful and also, rarely, some sad events that I would like to share but cannot while he is with one of his other loves. Or we are having an important discussion and he has to take the call from another love because they need to make travel arrangements, e.g.

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  6. I am going to base my answers on what you wrote. When you say you cannot share his other loves, do you mean that you cannot meet them or hang with them? Or is it that you don’t want to meet and hang with them? If you don’t want to meet them, that’s fine; but I hope that that was something that you and he have talked about and agreed upon. Yes, it can be difficult when he is away with another, but you can share things when he returns. I hope that you two go on vacations together too. As for the phone calls while you two are having important discussions – do you two have a set of rules/boundaries that you follow? One of the rules/boundaries that M and I have is that when he is with another, unless it’s a dire emergency I do not call him; and I expect the same in return. My time is just that – my time and I do not like being disturbed. If M is with someone and I do call, then I expect him to answer as – like I said- it’s an emergency. He can call the other love later after the discussion or when he gets home.

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  7. What a wonderful letter to us polys Scarlett. I agree.

    Knot AMan - Male Victim of Domestic Violence/Activist

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