Rules/Boundaries – All relationships need them

Every relationship – husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. – has rules/ boundaries.  Mono/ Poly relationships are no exception.  Just like other relationships, these rules/boundaries should be talked over by everyone and reviewed/revised from time to time together.  For this post everyone means the primary relationship -husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend for starters.

Now for those who are new to all of this, there are primary and secondary relationships.  The definition from the More Than Two A practical guide to ethical polyamory   book is:  Primary/secondary: A hierarchical relationship structure in which partners who are higher in the hierarchy are referred to as “primary” and other partners are referred to as “secondary.”  I’m not a fan of this definition, but this one from Wikipedia about a primary relationship, I feel, explains it better.  Ground rules within relationships: participants might agree that the maintenance of a particular relationship takes priority over others, making that relationship 'primary'.  

Reading books and posts about polyamory relationships and mono/poly relationships, a set of rules/boundaries should be in place.  Let me tell you, this topic of conversation, from a mono/open’s point of view, is surreal.  You are going from rules/boundaries like “no beers when granny is around” to “I would like you to practice safe sex”. From my point of view as a mono, when we started talking about rules/boundaries, I was way out of my comfort zone.  When we first started talking about rules/boundaries, I’m thinking to myself, “I feel like I’m talking to a kid going off to college, not my partner!  Practice safe sex dear!”  I know that this is going to sound weird, but as we talked about rules/boundaries, the easier it became. When M says that he’s interested in someone, we review our rules/boundaries and revise it as needed.  So now, instead of thinking how strange this is, I think of this as something to keep everyone safe and on the same page. 

Your agreed upon list of rules/boundaries can be as simple or as complex as you two want.  Here is our list and the reasons behind them. 

 (1)  If I don’t know the person already and you want to pursue this relationship after three “dates”, then I want to meet her.  I would like to meet the person that M is interested in and go over the list of rules/boundaries so that everyone is on the same page.  I also feel that meeting each other would put the other’s fears to rest.  I can also put a face to a name; and if I have concerns about this relationship I can express them.   

         

(2)  Weekends are mine. This was stated because when we started our relationship, M was seeing someone from his job.  At that time, we lived an hour away from each other.  My reasoning was that he saw her every day at work and then maybe one or twice a week after work; so I wanted weekends which M agreed to. I am flexible about this rule/boundary though.  A friend of M’s loves horse racing and goes on Friday nights to the local track.  She asked M if he would like to go with her one Friday night.  He said that he would ask me as this was one of our rules/boundaries.  I had no problem with him going.  However, if it had become a weekly thing, then he and I would have to sit and discuss it.  There have been times that in conversation M would say that a friend was talking about going to a show or something.  I would say to M that if he would wanted to go, I would be ok with it.  Sometimes he would go, and other times he would say that he wasn’t interested in going.  

 (3and 4) To M: Please tell me when you are going out with someone; and to the other person: Respect our time together. By M telling me when he is spending time with someone, I will not call or text him unless it’s an emergency.  In the same token I ask that the other person does not call or text during our time unless it’s an emergency.                                                                                                               

 (5) Please call me when you get home. Our relationship is complex and unique.  We are committed to each other and have exchanged commitment rings, but we do not live together.   I ask that M calls when he gets home so that I know he is safe.  

 (6) You need to practice safe sex.  ‘Nuff said.                                                         

(7) I’m not sharing my toys, so use only the toys that we bought for your “toy box”. It’s a mind thing for me.  I personally don’t care if those toys are boiled, bleached, and cleaned 500 different ways, someone else used them.  I’m that person who has to wash new clothes because someone may have tried them on.  Plus these are ours.  They’re special.                                                                                               

(8) If you have sex at your place, please change the sheets after. Again, for me it’s that head thing like in rule/boundary number 7.

Some couples have more complex rules/boundaries like the veto rule. I have heard of couples doing this.  The primary person meets the “new” person that their partner is interested in, and if they don’t “like” that person, tells their partner ‘no way.”  The partner then stops the new relationship from continuing.  My personal view of this is don’t do it.   I feel that it will cause resentment with your partner.  Has M been in a relationship that I didn’t like? Yes, and I told both of them that.  I didn’t veto the relationship.  M and I had many long discussions where I kept saying that I didn’t approve of it, but there was a reason for this to happen.  That relationship didn’t last; and M sees it as learning experience in that it made him clearer in what he wants in another relationship.  He would not have “learned” what he is looking for if I had vetoed it.

The bottom line is that we have an agreed upon list of rules/boundaries.  It gives me a say keeping everyone safe, and in my opinion, gives respect to our primary relationship.

Oh Lord, The Person I Love is Poly! Now What?

Before you start to burn the sage,  hold up crosses, splash around the holy water, and yelling “Be healed!” know that it’s not the end of the world.  First off, you do have choices.  If you are in a relationship and your sweetie wants to open it up, you can call it a day.  If you are just starting a relationship and they say that they are poly, you can call it a day.  Either way you can say “So long.”  It’s your choice.  HOWEVER, before you do that knee jerk reaction, I strongly urge you to stop and think about it.

First, I would suggest that the two of you sit and talk.  M and I always say to people communication, communication, and more communication!  We also say that in order for things to work you must be open and honest with each other – even if it hurts.  I don’t mean that you lash out at your partner.  I mean that you put on the big person pants and you sit and talk like the adults that you are.  Ask your partner about the poly lifestyle, more specifically what their definition is of the poly lifestyle.  I walked into my relationship knowing that M was poly/open.  He told me about him being poly/open on the second date.  What transpired were quite a few lengthy discussions about poly/openness: what was his definition of poly/open and what was he looking for in other relationships. We still have those discussions just to check in and be on the same page so to speak.

Second, you should research the poly lifestyle and what it is on your own.  Don’t go by what friends say – do your own homework.  Go on morethantwo.com or other poly web sites.  There are some great books out there that you can get lots of info from.  The books that I read were The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, and More Than Two A practical guide to ethical polyamory  by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. The More than Two book just came out a few months ago, but it is filled with good general information about what poly is.  I say general because poly/open is different for each person.  Again, you two need to talk about what poly/open means to them.

Make a list of your partner’s good (and if you want bad) points.  Also include all the good things that you see in this relationship.   Look at them and ask yourself if this person is someone that you want to make a go of in a relationship.

Now comes the hard part.  You must now look at yourself.  You must now look at your demons.  Are you willing to allow your partner to be who they are?  Being poly/open is who they are.  Your partner has probably done some serious soul searching on their part to figure out who they are.  You cannot, nor should you try to change them to being monogamous.  If you try that, there will be serious resentment issues.  There is a poly term for that: it’s called being a cowboy or a cowgirl.  You rope your partner in a relationship and then try to change them.  Not a good idea. I accept M for who his is and wouldn’t even think of changing him.  It’s an all or nothing package. Are you willing to look at who you are and be who you are?  What I mean by that is I have heard so many people say that they don’t know who they are as a person.  In a mono/poly relationship both of you are learning about who you are.  You can do this together supporting each other.  Are you willing to spend some time alone without your partner?  It’s called independence.  Both M and I are fiercely independent, but we both support each other in what we want to do.  M is into photography and I’m still trying different things that I want to do (like this blog).  I help him and he helps me.

If you can honestly say that you can, or will really try, to do all of the above things, then you should give the relationship a go.  It’s not going to be easy but it’s a start.  If you cannot and feel that you must have that cute little house with the picket fence, where your partner drives into the driveway every night at 5:30 on the dot where you greet them with fresh baked cookies ala a Disney film, then walk away as this type of relationship is not for you.

It can work!

I am in what people would call a mono/poly relationship.  I am monogamous and my partner, M, is polyamorous.  At least these are the labels that society gave us and in a group that is what we call ourselves when we describe ourselves.  We, however, would like to call ourselves Open.  While I choose not to have romantic/sexual relationships with others (monogamy kicking in), M is open to having other relationships with others (polyamory kicking in).  I’m saying that we’re open because M is having other relationships and I’m open to him having them.

Why am I starting this blog?  We've been together for three and a half years and have been through a lot as an open couple.  With respect to others, from what I have seen all the stuff that is out on mono/poly relationships is that they are written by poly people.  So if us mono’s try to look up things on how to deal with things such as jealousy, anger and the occasional blues, we get the poly version.  Now I know that these things creep up in all types of relationships, but when you are looking for the “been there” company, you really aren't getting it from a mono’s point of view (no offense to polys).  And if you try to get other mono’s (sounds like the illness) take on things, I've found that you get the toxic “been there” venom with no ways on how to help you deal with them.

Sure there are books out there and some are really good places to start, but after that, we mono/open people are still scratching our heads and going “now what”? I have gone so far as to buy a workbook about how to deal with jealousy that is written by a poly counselor.  When I got to about the third or fourth page this person writes that if you are in a mono/poly relationship and you are a mono, the relationship is “doomed” (my word); and the writer’s advice is that you should not get involved with someone  who is not your relationship orientation.  Sorry luv, things happen and people cannot help who they fall in love with.  And if we do fall for a poly, then it’s our choice to try to make it work; and if we fall in love with someone who later wants to try poly, again it’s our choice to make it work.

 I would like to blog about what works for us and hopefully will work for you too.