Semantics

I don’t like it that M goes on “dates” with others.  However, I don’t mind if he goes “out for dinner” or “invites someone over to his place for dinner”.  Why?  It’s the same thing isn’t it?  Yes, but it’s the words that make me feel better about it.  Everyone feels uncomfortable about things.  It’s the way that they’re worded that makes it easier to deal with.  It’s like Monty Python’s Black Knight saying that his amputated limbs are flesh wounds; or the scene in the Mel Brook’s movie Men in Tights where the Sheriff of Rottingham laughingly tells the king the bad news so it doesn’t sound so horrible.  Look, our mono/open wiring makes it sometimes difficult for us to handle that we have a poly partner; do we have to add words that also make it uncomfortable for us too?

M and I were discussing at one time about him going out with someone, and each of us used different words to describe it.  We were holding fast to the words that we used and agreed that it was a matter of semantics.  He didn’t think that it was a date; rather that it was “going out with someone”.  I thought that it was a date, but I didn't like using that word “date”.  We talked about what “date” meant to each of us.  We agreed that yes, it was a date, but that word made us both uncomfortable.  So now we both feel comfortable using the phrase “I’m going out to dinner/whatever with someone”. By us using the “I’m going to dinner” phrase, it could be just that.  At times it’s just M and someone having only dinner; and sometimes it’s not.  

 I also have a comfortable phrase that I use if I go somewhere and someone asks where M is.  I use “He had other plans for the evening” and that seems to go well.  Those who know that we are mono/poly understands that it means M is with someone else, and those that don’t know just go with the phrase itself.

I know that it’s hard knowing that your partner is out with someone else, so let’s try to make it easier on ourselves by calling it something that we feel comfortable with.  If you know that your partner sees their other every (let’s say) Wednesday, how about calling it Greg’s (or Linda’s) night out?  Talk to your partner about what to call their time with their other person.  By talking and agreeing to a word or a phrase that you both use, it should help you be more comfortable when your poly partner goes out.

Polyamory is Not the New Word for Cheating

Like I’ve written before, I’m on few mono/poly groups.  What I’ve been reading in some of these groups lately is that a few people posting about having caught their partners having an affair and that the partner is using the “I’m a poly” card.  Nope; sorry; not buying it!  What that person is, is a cheater who got busted!

In my post “Me Time”, I talked about M and I attending a talk about polyamory. Now I know that there are different definitions about polyamory,  but everyone in the poly community tends to agree on one thing; and that is if you do not tell your partner about the person you want to see and you go ahead to see them, then that is cheating period.  End of story.  Now your partner may be an honest to goodness poly, but not telling you about their newest relationship is cheating.

If your partner doesn’t tell you about a relationship beforehand, to me, speaks volumes. In my book, by not talking about the new relationship before it happens, you are saying to your partner that you really don’t care about their feelings. Relationships should have these major key ingredients which are openness, honesty, and communication.  Whether you are in a relationship that you want to open up, or like me who is in a mono/poly one, you need to talk about other relationships before they happen.  M and I have talked about when to tell me when he is going to start seeing another person.  After much discussion and my usual thing of “if the situation was reversed, how would you feel,” we agreed upon me knowing before the first date.  Maybe you would like to know after a few dates and that’s fine, but that is up to you and your partner to decide before anything happens.

Just like everything else out there, there are people who play by the rules and those who don’t.  Using the poly card “when caught”is not in the rules.

WTF!!!

I know that on my blog introduction that I said that I would give my advice on how to make a mono/poly/open relationship work.  But right now I am going to vent a little and still give some advice to boot.

From time to time I go back and re-read parts from the polyamory books.  I do this for my own self-assurance.  Yes, I know that I always talk things over - sometimes to death - with M, but there are times that you need to see or hear it somewhere else.  Anyway, I was looking over the chapter about nurturing relationships in More Than Two, and I came across a story about how relationships change.  The story is about a friend of Franklin’s whose husband didn't like sushi.  The wife tried for some time to get him to try it; but he refused saying “he was not interested in raw fish strapped to rice with electrical tape”.  The wife gave up trying to get hubby to try sushi.  Hubby (who is poly) starts dating a new person who also likes sushi.  This new person asks him to go to a sushi place.  Instead of refusing, he goes, tries it, and is now a fan of sushi.  The story goes on to say that the wife is not a happy camper because she had tried to get him to try sushi and he refused, but he tried it for the first time with someone else.  Franklin goes on to write that while the primary partner’s feelings got hurt because they should be the ones who should share experiences first, people do change and not in the ways or times that we would like them to. 

First off I would like to say that on Franklin’s more than two website he writes about another scenario like this and says that while he would not be upset if his partner tried something new and brought it back to him, his feelings towards this is not the norm. I would also like to state that More Than Two is an excellent book and I do recommend it for people to read. That being said, I will move on.

My take on this is that hubby should bow his head in shame for not sharing this experience with his wife.  She had been trying to get him to do this for months on end and he refused. Now because that cute new person asked you, you tried it?  What, to impress her?  I wonder if this happened when hubby broke the news to wifey.  Hey Judy (not their real names)!  Guess what!  I went with Jean to that Japanese place and had some sushi.  You were right!  It really is good! Judy, why do you have that frying pan in your hands and screaming die hubby die?  I wonder if the wife can look at sushi in the same light again.  Yes, she can say that she’s glad that he’ll go with her for sushi from now on, but knowing the reason for him liking it can be difficult to get over. I feel what hubby should have done was to say to himself, “Gee, both of them like sushi.  I can do two things.  One is to tell the new person that I don’t like sushi just like I tell my wife.  Or two, I’ll go with the wife and try sushi seeing that she has been asking me for some time to try it.”

 I had a similar experience with M.  One summer, we were asked on numerous occasions to go kayaking.  I’ve never been so I was eager to try it.  M, on the other hand, kept saying that he used to do it but wasn’t interested.  We talked about it and I let it go because he wasn’t interested in going. M was starting to see an old friend of his last summer.  They went out for dinner one night and she said that she would like to go kayaking and had two kayaks.  He said that he would be into it.  M called me afterwards and told me about the possibility of them going kayaking.  I blew a fit over the phone. Actually, blowing a fit may be understated. An atomic explosion would be more like it. I started yelling, “How can you go kayaking with her when I have asked you many times and you said no,” along with the famous battle cries that everyone gives of “It’s not fair!” and “What the fuck!”  I told M that I felt hurt and how would he feel if the situation was reversed.  After I had calmed down, we talked about it.  M agreed that he too would be hurt had the situation been reversed.  We came to an understanding that we would do more new things together.  As an aside, things didn’t work out and they didn’t go kayaking. However because of this situation, M and I came to a good level/change in our relationship.  Kayaking is on our “to do” list for the summer.

I remember when I started going with M four years ago; I went on a poly site which I can’t find now.  On this site there was an article written by a guy about “How to ruin a relationship if you are a poly”.  In it the guy writes that one way to ruin a relationship is to do something with the other person that your main partner has asked you to do and you refused.  Another is to tell your main partner that you learned something from your other person and that you would like to try it with them.  While I agree with both statements, the second one doesn't have to be a deal breaker if you modify it a bit.

In the article the example that the author gave on how to ruin a relationship was the poly person saying to his primary partner, “Honey, I learned this really great sex move from Molly and thought that you would like trying it.”  Trust me, if I heard that sentence from M, he better run fast and hide all the frying pans. You want to sneak it in without saying anything, great as we are always trying out different things; but don’t tell me where you got it from. But, if M said that the person he’s seeing would like to go and do something that we haven’t thought of doing, then I would be open to hearing about it and possibly asking if he and I could do it too some time.  In my blog titled “Rules/Boundaries”, I mentioned that M was seeing someone who liked to go to horse races.  I never thought of attending a horse race so I never suggested that idea to him.  When M told me about being asked to go, I didn’t get upset that he was doing something new without me.  I told him to have a good time. When he got home, he called and told me that he had a blast.  He asked if I would be open to going to a horse race some time to which I said yes.  M did something new without me and it didn't ruin our relationship.

I guess I have two pieces of advice to give you.  Advice number one is for the poly partner.  Think before you try something new.  If it is something that your main partner has been asking for you to do, then try it with them first. If the situation was reversed, I bet that you would not be doing handstands.  It will also avoid a lot of hurt feelings.  Advice number two is for the mono/open person.  If your partner tries something new with the new person (and it’s something that you haven’t thought of) don’t be upset.  It could be something that you two can do together and enjoy.