The Poly Mono Letters

The topics that are going on mono/poly or just poly sites now are about how the poly person doesn’t understand why their mono/open partner isn’t agreeing with the poly’s line of thinking at the moment.  One couple recently moved to another state and the poly partner doesn’t understand why they were asked by their mono partner to stop looking for new people for a while so that they and their mono/poly partner can settle into their new surroundings.  The poly partner wasn’t asked to stop completely, just enough do help unpack and settle in.  The poly was posting/venting that this wasn’t fair to them.  Another poly partner can’t understand why their mono/open partner won’t agree to letting his new love move in with them as the mono/open partner feels uncomfortable living together in one house Kumbaya style.  I would like to address this in two letters:  One to the poly people, and the other to the mono/open people.

Poly Letter

Dear Poly People;

Some people like apples while others like oranges.  Some people like kink and others like vanilla.  You like the poly way of life while your partner likes the mono/open way of living.   Keep it in your head that it’s all good.  Your partner is not forcing you to jump back into monogamy, so don’t force them into poly-hood.  I have read many posts about how your mono partners “do not understand you”.  Believe my babes, they do; or else they would not be in the relationship with you.

 So your partner asked you to help settle in before seeking new loves.  If M and I moved to a new state and he got pissy because I asked him to help settle in (which I know he would not get pissy over that– not his nature), I know where to get salt peter which would be added to his food.  What’s the big deal in waiting?  Moving to a new state is unsettling to say the least.  You and your partner should work together to make each other feel safe and comfortable before you start looking for new loves.

 And you the “Kumbaya poly” who wants to move in the new love and is ticked that your mono/open partner isn’t agreeing to it – word of advice: do not move ahead with that plan.  M and I met a poly couple at a luncheon.  She was the poly and was there with her love.  Hubby – who was mono - stayed home with their children.  She told us that she told hubby (not discussed it) that she was opening up their relationship.  About a few months later she met her love.  She announced to hubby that the love was moving in – period.  For the children’s sake hubby is there and is tolerating it.  When M and I left the luncheon, we were upset that the hubby wasn’t included or was consulted in those plans.   To us that situation is a bomb waiting to go off. What you should do instead is ask your partner if they would be comfortable with all of you living in either the same apartment building/complex, or in a two family house.  You’re technically under the same roof, but each of you will have your own space.

With both situations though I have to ask: Besides the openness, honesty, and communication in a relationship, what happened to Respect?  Your mono/open partner deserves that too!  It’s not the “my way or the highway” attitude!  It’s a give and take and respect in any relationship!  Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss these things.  You may not get your own way; but that’s life.

Scarlett

Mono/Open Letter

Dear Mono/Open People;

Like I said before, compromise is not being a doormat.  Stand your ground!  You understand their poly wiring and you accept them for who they are.  Just because  you asked your partner to help you before looking for a love, or saying that you’re uncomfortable with their new love moving in with both of you is not “not understanding them”.

By you asking your poly partner to not look for a new love until both of you were settled in is not being unreasonable.  You wanted to work as a couple and be solid –as a couple - in this new situation before your partner added another person. Understandable.  They can’t use the poly card to get out of this one.  This is respect for each other. 

As for the moving the new love in with you deal:  You have your reasons which I hope you sat with your partner and explained that to them.  Having your poly partner constantly pushing this issue hoping that you give in is wrong.  Like I suggested in the poly letter, maybe you and your partner should discuss about the possibility of everyone living in the same apartment building/complex, or in a two family house.

Again, this has to do with respect to each other.  Both must sit and talk openly, honestly, and with respect.

Scarlett

Now I know that I was harder in one letter, but everyone should know that we all can’t get what we want in life.  If this was so, I would be living on a tropical island right now with an ice tea in my hand looking at the ocean.  All I’m asking is that we respect each other in our relationships.  Openness, honesty, communication, and respect.  Now where’s my ice tea? 

Kumbaya

So your partner has another partner, or is dating someone, and they feel that you and the OSO should be friends to make life easier.  They think that maybe all of you can go out together; you know the James Bond thing - a person on each arm. I call it the Kumbaya effect.

In your poly partner’s world, they feel that you and their other partner should become friends so that things like spending time between you and the OSO will be smoother.  Everybody will get along and we’ll all be smiley happy people. It’s just short of world peace to them.  But in our mono/open world, it’s a cross between “It may be do-able, to a point”, and the famous 1960’s cry of “Hell no! We won’t go!”  So the question is: Can we all get along as friends?

The answer to that is: it depends on if you like your partner’s other person.  You see, you have to understand your partner’s wiring.  They are wired to have more than one relationship and honestly don’t understand why us mono’s can’t be friends with everyone involved.  For us mono’s however, that’s like having everyone in your family getting along famously with no drama whatsoever.  It doesn’t exist in our realm of thinking due to our wiring. However, we can be friends with the OSO to a point.  Here’s where you and your partner talk about boundaries regarding said friendship.

M has a friend– I’ll call her Jill.  Jill and I know each other and get along well.  I have been to her house for a party and helped her set up for a garage sale.  All three of us have gone out for lunch at one time too.  Jill and M have discussed taking this friendship of theirs to the “friends with benefits” stage.  The original rules/boundaries that we have for other relationships still stay in place.  Yes, I’ll still stay friends with Jill but with limits.   Here’s where the new rules/boundaries regarding my friendship comes into play.  I won’t go out with both Jill and M because it would be awkward.  If M showed any display of affection towards Jill, I would become upset (jealousy monster); and if M showed any affection towards me, then I would feel bad for Jill.  However, I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her without M because I believe that we would be on the same field (sorry M), and she and I really do get along together.  M and I have discussed this and even though he’s not in total agreement, he understands my reasons/feelings behind this.  M said that Jill has some concerns about how taking her and M’s friendship to the next level may affect her and I still being friends.  I suggested that we all sit down and discuss all concerns, rules/boundaries so that we’re all in agreement.  Maybe you have met the OSO and would like to be friends to a certain level.  Then my advice would be for all to sit and talk and all be in agreement with it.

Now, what if you don’t want to have any dealings with your partner’s OSO? The “Hell no! We won’t go!” view? It’s perfectly ok to have that view, and your partner needs to understand and accept it.  After all, you’re not dating that person, your partner is, but they do impact your life whether you like it or not.  You don’t have to be friends.  Basically, you just have to tolerate them.  Yes, I said tolerate.  Not everything is rosey in mono/poly land.

A few years ago, M started a relationship with “Penny”.  Seeing that I didn’t know her, the meet after three dates rule applied.  From what M told me about Penny, I wasn’t thrilled with his choice.  A few days before the scheduled meet-up M says to me that Penny can’t wait to “Meet her competition (said with a laugh)”.  As I’m a huge Harry Potter fan, what went through my head when M said that was Hogwart’s school motto: Never tickle a sleeping dragon!  And I’m the dragon! When we all met, I brought up my concerns about her and their pending relationship, but said that they were adults and to do what they want within the rules/boundaries.  Just leave me out of the friend department thank you very much. I could have been evil and threw a fit whenever M and Penny met, but I didn’t. To be fair, I would roll my eyes whenever Penny’s name came up, and the hair on my head would bristle.  Hey, I’m not a saint by any means!  Once M said in a passing conversation that Penny’s only day off was on Saturday. Even though Saturdays is our time together, I offered to give up that day so M could see Penny (and no, I didn’t offer in a nasty way).  Things didn’t work between them but they do talk to each other every now and then.  Again, you and your partner need to have an open honest discussion as to why you won’t or don’t want to be friends with his OSO.

So can there be Kumbaya?  To a point yes there can be.  Can there be total Kumbaya?  In my book, only if there are people sitting around a campfire, roasting marshmallows, and someone brings out a guitar.

Do You Have to Air Your Laundry?

Not everyone knows about our relationship being mono/poly.  Most of M’s family knows that he’s poly, but not his co-workers.  Some of my friends know that M’s a poly, but not my family.  Do you have to air the laundry and tell everyone that you or your partner is poly? Nope.  Some things are better left unsaid.  You know mostly who you can trust and who will have the verbal diarrhea. I told a co-worker about M’s and my mono/poly status.  A few days later she posted something on my social media which read: “He said that he wanted an open relationship. So I threw him out the open window.  It will be an open casket, with an open bar after the funeral”.  The comment she posted with this was “I saw this and thought of you”.  She was trying to be funny, but I was upset by it and she did apologize. 

Not everyone can think outside the box, and that’s ok.  For me, I see lots of positive things by being in my relationship with M.  For others, they will see negative points.  I guess it’s the old half empty or half full glass thing.  So, you’ll have to ask yourself if you would like to air your laundry.

When I told some of my friends that we have this mono/poly relationship, I heard “what’s a poly”?  Then when I explained what it is, I got the following: “oh, justified cheating… so it’s another name for player… that’s not keeping with any religious teaching… and… isn’t it another term for let’s see other people with no commitment to anyone?”  I know that M heard a lot worse when he told people that he’s poly. 

Now I know that the books on poly do not cover whether or not you should tell people about your type of relationship.  However, Franklin Veaux on his More Than Two website recently posted his views on whether you should tell others of you are poly. So now I’m going to post my mono/open views.

If you feel that you are strong enough to constantly explain your relationship and get (mostly) negative feedback on it, then tell everyone.  My friends may not agree with this type of relationship for themselves, but they see how it works for us and therefore are supportive of M and me.  They have also taken parts from our relationship like the openness, honesty, and constant communication and have added it to their mono relationships.   I believe that our friends see the love, respect, and trust that M and I have for each other and are more open in accepting others having a mono/poly relationship. Telling your family may be another story in itself.

The reason why I haven’t told my family is that they aren’t supportive on most issues.  They are so in the box it’s scary!  I’ve always been out of the box on many things so I know about being “harassed” by family.  It has worn me down and has made me second guess myself in the past – hence my insecurities.  If you have a supportive family like M does, great! Tell away!  If you have a family like I do, or you’re not sure how they’ll react, then test the waters first.  Ask them what they think about shows on TV like Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating (personally I haven’t seen it as I don’t like reality TV).  If you get negative responses, then you can decide if you want to spoon feed parts about your relationship that you know they can handle.  For example, my dad belonged to a senior center where he loved playing bridge.  Some of his bridge partners were women.  They would call the house to see if Dad was planning to play that day and if he needed a ride home as my mom would drop him off there.  My mom knew these women too and would jokingly call them his girlfriends.  So seeing that my parents can relate to women friends, I can talk about M having female friends.  I don’t go any further and it works. 

Again, do you have to air your laundry with your family or with anyone? It’s your choice.  To quote a ‘60’s song: “It’s your thing. Do what you want to do.”

The Jealousy Monster and How to Deal With It

Jealousy occurs in any type of relationship.  It can happen in a traditional monogamous relationship, the poly/poly relationship as well as an open/ mono/poly relationship.  Jealousy can be defined as a state of fear, suspicion or envy caused by a real or imagined threat.  There are many different ways to deal with this monster too; the object is to find one that works for you.

First, let’s deal with the jealousy monster first. Being the monos in our relationships, we have a lot to deal with.  We have to deal with our mono wiring and undo/relearn/rethink everything about relationships.  So while we’re trying to handle this new aspect of our lives, the jealousy monster sees it as a perfect opportunity to enter the picture.

What happens to you when you become jealous?  According to Kathy Labriola’s  paper, Unmasking the Green Eyed Monster: Managing Jealousy In Open Relationships, she writes: “Jealousy can manifest as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded.”  That’s a big monster; and it could become bigger if we allow it to!  The key words here are IF WE ALLOW IT TO!  Let’s look at the definition and manifestations of jealousy so we can understand it.

Ok, the definition starts out as jealousy can be defined as a state of fear. Ask yourself, fear of what? Being completely replaced by another?  Dropping down the corporate ladder to being number two?  That the other person is smarter, has a better build, is cuter, or better in other things than you? Everyone has those fears myself included. The definition goes on to say that those fears are caused by a real or imagined threat.  Is what you fear in this relationship real?  Have you been completely replaced?  Dropped down that ladder to the second rung? What about the other person?  Are they your fears in person?  In the beginning of our relationship, I was afraid of dropping down a few rungs and/or being replaced completely.  That’s no longer there.  I know that it was an imagined thing.  The smarter, cuter, better thing is still there even though I know that it’s an imagined threat to me too. Now get in touch of what happens to you when these fears enter your head. For me it’s hurt, sadness, anger (at myself for allowing these thoughts in my head) to name a few.

So now we know what’s making us jealous and what happens when we do.  What we have to do is confront jealousy so we don’t go into flying fits of rage like Godzilla whenever our partner goes out with someone else. Some articles that I looked at suggest on owning up to your feelings.  Ok, so I get some form of jealousy from time to time whenever M goes out with someone.  Yea, I owned up.  I got some jealousy going.  They’re my feelings not his.  Now what?  Actually no matter how you deal with jealousy, you will have to be honest with yourself.  So now we’re dealing with the jealousy monster and the ouchies.   Well suit up people cause this is going to get real.

So how do I deal with the jealousy monster?  I do the two year old child thing.  I keep asking myself WHY.  Why am I upset that M is out tonight? Answer: I’m home alone and he’s out with someone. Why are you home alone? Well, I could call up some friends and go out too. Or I could go out to the local bookstore for coffee and look at books.  Ok, that could work (see blog titled Me Time). Another answer: She could turn out to be that smarter, better person at everything than me. Why do you think that? My own insecurities are to blame.  I could ask to meet her to calm my fears.  After all we did agree for me to meet anyone new after the third date if I don’t know them already. And I know that I eat well, exercise, take care of myself and love to do things, so again it’s my insecurities kicking in. Another answer (probably my main answer): He’ll be having sex and it’s not with me.  Why does that bother you? My mono wiring and my religious upbringing are to blame for this one. I can undo the upbringing part but the mono wiring can’t be undone for me so I’ll have to deal with that. But the real thing in dealing with jealousy is trust and action because there are times that even doing this why thing doesn’t cut it.

Trust and action are strong words.  They are the key to deal with the jealousy monster.  I believe that there has to be trust and action in any relationship. Trust and action takes two people: you to trust your partner; and your partner’s actions to make you trust them.  Like I said earlier, I use to think that I would be replaced or dropped down a few rungs.  No more.  Why?  I trust M when he says that our relationship is solid and he’s in it for the long haul. I know that it is solid and we’re in it all the way.  We exchanged commitment rings. We accept each other for who we are and support each other’s choices.  We are always there for each other and have shown that to each other countless times.  Trust can come easy for some people or – like me – it has to come with time as I have serious trust issues.  If you’re like me and it takes time, ask your partner to give you reassurance that everything is fine.  One Valentine’s Day M wrote this beautiful card on what he likes about our relationship.  I framed it and it sits on my dresser.  Whenever that jealousy monster creeps in and the why thing doesn’t work, I will read that letter.  That works for me.

 Still have those trust issues and that jealousy monster is kicking in?  This is what I call the last resort.   Imagine yourself trapped on the second floor of a fiery building.  Your partner is outside yelling for you to jump and that they will catch you.  Will you jump?  I asked this to a friend of mine when she was having jealousy issues with her boyfriend.  Her answer was yes she would jump.  Well, if you trust your partner to catch you, why wouldn’t you trust them in other situations? By the way, I would jump too; no problem.  Trust is like poison to the jealousy monster.

These are the ones that work for me.  The goal to taming the jealousy monster is to find what works for you. Jealousy is normal, it’s how we deal with it that makes or breaks a relationship.