Me Time!

I’m a member of a few mono/poly groups.  The topic that is up for discussion right now are from people who are in marriages or relationships where their partner is now saying that they want to explore being poly.  Some are guys who want to see other women, and some are women who want to explore their bi side.  From reading their posts, I see that the undercurrents of those posts are that it’s not fair that their partner is going out while they are home either by themselves or with the children.  While I don’t live with M, and my little ones are now big ones with family, I too, at times, get that way.  How is it fair that he can go out with others while I’m sitting home? You know what?  It’s not fair!  It’s not fair that we allow ourselves to stay home! Yes, allow!  I say that we mono/open’s should have a night out too.  Yes, we love doing things with our partners, but we also have to do things for ourselves too.

About two years ago, M and I went to a festival where there was an open discussion group about polyamory.  There were couples describing their relationships.  One poly/mono couple, who was married for close to 30 years, was saying that the wife (who was mono) was friendly with hubby’s OSO of 20 years.  The husband said that the wife and his OSO were interested in the same weekend conference and that the wife and OSO were going to go to it together.  The hubby was then asked how he felt about them going to this conference together.  His reply was that he didn’t know what to do with himself because it was always him going away and now he was the one staying home.  I came within inches of yelling; “Now you’ll know what your wife goes through you twit!”  But at the same time I also realized that I should not allow myself to stay home.  I should go out and do things for myself.  I call it Me Time!

So here are my suggestions to do just that.  If you are home watching the children while your partner is out, then either hire a sitter or pick a night that you go out with your friends while your partner stays home with the children.  Have a guy/girls night out.  Have a guy/girl night at your house while your partner is out.   The books say that you should pamper yourself by taking bubble bath and curling up with a good book.  Again, why should you stay home doing this while your partner is out?  To me this is like a timeout punishment because you’re the mono/open person.  If you want to do this type of thing great! But you don’t have to limit yourself to doing only that.

Also, by having me time, it gives your poly partner a “message”; and that is “I’m not allowing myself to sit home for you”.  Sometimes people have to see things from the other person’s eyes. Reverse the situation so to speak so that everyone sees and understands the complete picture.  All those books are written so that we mono/open people are to see things from a poly’s eyes.  Those books fail to see how we react and feel when our poly partners go out.  Example: One time I went to see my family and friends for a few days.  M had to work so he couldn’t go.  There was no problem with me doing this as we are supportive of us doing things both together and separately.  When I returned home, M said that at one point he felt that it wasn’t fair (jealous was the actual word he used) because I was having fun while he had to work.  He then said that he now understood how I feel when he goes out. Reverse the situation but in a positive way. Also, talk about it with your partner.  Remember to communicate!

Allowing yourself to be happy or miserable is your choice.  To quote Albus Dumbleodre; “It’s our choices, Harry, who tell us what we really are.  Far more than our abilities.”

I’m not a Disease Thank you!

I don’t like the word Monogamy; Mono for short. You hear the word mono, and you immediately think of the disease mononucleosis - Infectious Mononucleosis.  So naturally it makes me cringe when I say that I’m the mono half of the couple.  On the other hand, you have Polyamory; or Poly.  Cute name Poly.  I’ve seen the parrot used as one of polyamory’s symbols.  We “mono’s” don’t even have a symbol because a nasty white blood cell just doesn’t cut it.  With all due respect to poly authors, while I understand that you are writing from a poly point of view, calling us mono’s makes it sound like we have a disease.  No one has a disease in this type of relationship!  It’s different wiring and that’s okay.

So I have decided to come up with a new word to describe us “mono’s”.  That new word is:  Soleamory (sole amory).  Sole for short.

How did I come up with this new word?  It wasn’t easy. First thing I did was to look up in a thesaurus words that are the same as monogamy.  What first turned up could describe any relationship - faithful, and committed.  Then I scrolled down the rest of the list – pure, celibate, plutonic, unblemished, prudish, and chaste to name a few.  This sounds like I should enter a convent of sorts.  Trust me; I’m not any of those listed words that come after committed. So this idea didn’t work.

I then remembered how the word Polyamory came about.  It’s a fairly new word.  It was coined in the 1970’s by the late Morning Glory Zell. She and her husband Oberon Zell brought polyamory to the forefront.  Morning Glory came up with the words poly (many) and amour (love); hence the word polyamory.  So I decided to break down the word monogamy, look up the words and take it from there.

Let me tell you, the word monogamy should be outlawed.  The word mono is from the Greek “monos” meaning alone; and “gamous” is Greek for marriage.  Alone marriage?  Really?  I always thought that marriage had two people in it.  The word mono also means one; so I again went to the thesaurus for other words with the same meaning as one.  I found the word sole.  Add that to amour and there you go – soleamory.

Think about it.  What sounds better – “I’m the mono of this relationship”, or “I’m the sole of this relationship”? I think sole sounds better because baby, we are the sole (and the soul) of our relationships!  Now I’ll have to start work on a cute symbol.

Compromise is Not Being a Doormat!

With the holidays upon us, being in a mono/poly relationship can be a bear.  It’s bad enough that you and your partner have to deal with whose family you are going to spend what holiday with, now you have your partner’s other significant other-OSO– in the mix.  Some people are comfortable with the OSO joining in their festivities; and for that I say great! For me, it’s “not at this time thank you”!

Thanksgiving is M’s favourite holiday.  For him, it has to do with togetherness.  He invites all his children, their moms, neighbours, friends, and anyone else that you would like to bring along.  I don’t mind it at all as I basically get along with everyone there.  Right now M has a friend with benefits.  I know her and get along with her. He invited her to this year’s dinner.  M’s reason behind inviting her was that she recently lost a family member, and would be alone for Thanksgiving.  Based on that reason, I agreed. My answer to M was, “I deserve a freaking medal”!  As it turned out, she had Thanksgiving with a friend who was not feeling well.

Again, I’m not saying that you should invite the OSO over unless you want to.  However, if your partner wants to spend some part of the holiday with their OSO, maybe you should compromise.  But what about traditions Scarlett?  Start new ones.  I was married to a cop for twenty years.  His OSO was his job. Maybe that’s why I can sort of handle being alone for all the holidays. Thanksgiving was spent with my child and me going to a family member’s house.  If he had to work on Christmas Day, we celebrated on Christmas Eve. Birthdays were celebrated on his day off. These became our “traditions”. You have to look and see what’s important to you and TALK to your partner about it.  However, don’t become a doormat.

Have your partner give reasons as why they want to spend that day and that time with their OSO.  When M gave his reason as to why he wanted his friend over at Thanksgiving, I understood.  If you want your partner home on the first night of Hanukkah because it means that much to you, then say that.  Don’t give in and give up your holiday because you don’t want to cause problems between you two; but also don’t deny your partner time with the other significant other either.  That causes resentment.  Talk with your partner and come to an agreement that all you can live with.

Rules/Boundaries – All relationships need them

Every relationship – husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend, etc. – has rules/ boundaries.  Mono/ Poly relationships are no exception.  Just like other relationships, these rules/boundaries should be talked over by everyone and reviewed/revised from time to time together.  For this post everyone means the primary relationship -husband/wife, boyfriend/girlfriend for starters.

Now for those who are new to all of this, there are primary and secondary relationships.  The definition from the More Than Two A practical guide to ethical polyamory   book is:  Primary/secondary: A hierarchical relationship structure in which partners who are higher in the hierarchy are referred to as “primary” and other partners are referred to as “secondary.”  I’m not a fan of this definition, but this one from Wikipedia about a primary relationship, I feel, explains it better.  Ground rules within relationships: participants might agree that the maintenance of a particular relationship takes priority over others, making that relationship 'primary'.  

Reading books and posts about polyamory relationships and mono/poly relationships, a set of rules/boundaries should be in place.  Let me tell you, this topic of conversation, from a mono/open’s point of view, is surreal.  You are going from rules/boundaries like “no beers when granny is around” to “I would like you to practice safe sex”. From my point of view as a mono, when we started talking about rules/boundaries, I was way out of my comfort zone.  When we first started talking about rules/boundaries, I’m thinking to myself, “I feel like I’m talking to a kid going off to college, not my partner!  Practice safe sex dear!”  I know that this is going to sound weird, but as we talked about rules/boundaries, the easier it became. When M says that he’s interested in someone, we review our rules/boundaries and revise it as needed.  So now, instead of thinking how strange this is, I think of this as something to keep everyone safe and on the same page. 

Your agreed upon list of rules/boundaries can be as simple or as complex as you two want.  Here is our list and the reasons behind them. 

 (1)  If I don’t know the person already and you want to pursue this relationship after three “dates”, then I want to meet her.  I would like to meet the person that M is interested in and go over the list of rules/boundaries so that everyone is on the same page.  I also feel that meeting each other would put the other’s fears to rest.  I can also put a face to a name; and if I have concerns about this relationship I can express them.   

         

(2)  Weekends are mine. This was stated because when we started our relationship, M was seeing someone from his job.  At that time, we lived an hour away from each other.  My reasoning was that he saw her every day at work and then maybe one or twice a week after work; so I wanted weekends which M agreed to. I am flexible about this rule/boundary though.  A friend of M’s loves horse racing and goes on Friday nights to the local track.  She asked M if he would like to go with her one Friday night.  He said that he would ask me as this was one of our rules/boundaries.  I had no problem with him going.  However, if it had become a weekly thing, then he and I would have to sit and discuss it.  There have been times that in conversation M would say that a friend was talking about going to a show or something.  I would say to M that if he would wanted to go, I would be ok with it.  Sometimes he would go, and other times he would say that he wasn’t interested in going.  

 (3and 4) To M: Please tell me when you are going out with someone; and to the other person: Respect our time together. By M telling me when he is spending time with someone, I will not call or text him unless it’s an emergency.  In the same token I ask that the other person does not call or text during our time unless it’s an emergency.                                                                                                               

 (5) Please call me when you get home. Our relationship is complex and unique.  We are committed to each other and have exchanged commitment rings, but we do not live together.   I ask that M calls when he gets home so that I know he is safe.  

 (6) You need to practice safe sex.  ‘Nuff said.                                                         

(7) I’m not sharing my toys, so use only the toys that we bought for your “toy box”. It’s a mind thing for me.  I personally don’t care if those toys are boiled, bleached, and cleaned 500 different ways, someone else used them.  I’m that person who has to wash new clothes because someone may have tried them on.  Plus these are ours.  They’re special.                                                                                               

(8) If you have sex at your place, please change the sheets after. Again, for me it’s that head thing like in rule/boundary number 7.

Some couples have more complex rules/boundaries like the veto rule. I have heard of couples doing this.  The primary person meets the “new” person that their partner is interested in, and if they don’t “like” that person, tells their partner ‘no way.”  The partner then stops the new relationship from continuing.  My personal view of this is don’t do it.   I feel that it will cause resentment with your partner.  Has M been in a relationship that I didn’t like? Yes, and I told both of them that.  I didn’t veto the relationship.  M and I had many long discussions where I kept saying that I didn’t approve of it, but there was a reason for this to happen.  That relationship didn’t last; and M sees it as learning experience in that it made him clearer in what he wants in another relationship.  He would not have “learned” what he is looking for if I had vetoed it.

The bottom line is that we have an agreed upon list of rules/boundaries.  It gives me a say keeping everyone safe, and in my opinion, gives respect to our primary relationship.

Oh Lord, The Person I Love is Poly! Now What?

Before you start to burn the sage,  hold up crosses, splash around the holy water, and yelling “Be healed!” know that it’s not the end of the world.  First off, you do have choices.  If you are in a relationship and your sweetie wants to open it up, you can call it a day.  If you are just starting a relationship and they say that they are poly, you can call it a day.  Either way you can say “So long.”  It’s your choice.  HOWEVER, before you do that knee jerk reaction, I strongly urge you to stop and think about it.

First, I would suggest that the two of you sit and talk.  M and I always say to people communication, communication, and more communication!  We also say that in order for things to work you must be open and honest with each other – even if it hurts.  I don’t mean that you lash out at your partner.  I mean that you put on the big person pants and you sit and talk like the adults that you are.  Ask your partner about the poly lifestyle, more specifically what their definition is of the poly lifestyle.  I walked into my relationship knowing that M was poly/open.  He told me about him being poly/open on the second date.  What transpired were quite a few lengthy discussions about poly/openness: what was his definition of poly/open and what was he looking for in other relationships. We still have those discussions just to check in and be on the same page so to speak.

Second, you should research the poly lifestyle and what it is on your own.  Don’t go by what friends say – do your own homework.  Go on morethantwo.com or other poly web sites.  There are some great books out there that you can get lots of info from.  The books that I read were The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton and Janet W. Hardy, and More Than Two A practical guide to ethical polyamory  by Franklin Veaux and Eve Rickert. The More than Two book just came out a few months ago, but it is filled with good general information about what poly is.  I say general because poly/open is different for each person.  Again, you two need to talk about what poly/open means to them.

Make a list of your partner’s good (and if you want bad) points.  Also include all the good things that you see in this relationship.   Look at them and ask yourself if this person is someone that you want to make a go of in a relationship.

Now comes the hard part.  You must now look at yourself.  You must now look at your demons.  Are you willing to allow your partner to be who they are?  Being poly/open is who they are.  Your partner has probably done some serious soul searching on their part to figure out who they are.  You cannot, nor should you try to change them to being monogamous.  If you try that, there will be serious resentment issues.  There is a poly term for that: it’s called being a cowboy or a cowgirl.  You rope your partner in a relationship and then try to change them.  Not a good idea. I accept M for who his is and wouldn’t even think of changing him.  It’s an all or nothing package. Are you willing to look at who you are and be who you are?  What I mean by that is I have heard so many people say that they don’t know who they are as a person.  In a mono/poly relationship both of you are learning about who you are.  You can do this together supporting each other.  Are you willing to spend some time alone without your partner?  It’s called independence.  Both M and I are fiercely independent, but we both support each other in what we want to do.  M is into photography and I’m still trying different things that I want to do (like this blog).  I help him and he helps me.

If you can honestly say that you can, or will really try, to do all of the above things, then you should give the relationship a go.  It’s not going to be easy but it’s a start.  If you cannot and feel that you must have that cute little house with the picket fence, where your partner drives into the driveway every night at 5:30 on the dot where you greet them with fresh baked cookies ala a Disney film, then walk away as this type of relationship is not for you.

It can work!

I am in what people would call a mono/poly relationship.  I am monogamous and my partner, M, is polyamorous.  At least these are the labels that society gave us and in a group that is what we call ourselves when we describe ourselves.  We, however, would like to call ourselves Open.  While I choose not to have romantic/sexual relationships with others (monogamy kicking in), M is open to having other relationships with others (polyamory kicking in).  I’m saying that we’re open because M is having other relationships and I’m open to him having them.

Why am I starting this blog?  We've been together for three and a half years and have been through a lot as an open couple.  With respect to others, from what I have seen all the stuff that is out on mono/poly relationships is that they are written by poly people.  So if us mono’s try to look up things on how to deal with things such as jealousy, anger and the occasional blues, we get the poly version.  Now I know that these things creep up in all types of relationships, but when you are looking for the “been there” company, you really aren't getting it from a mono’s point of view (no offense to polys).  And if you try to get other mono’s (sounds like the illness) take on things, I've found that you get the toxic “been there” venom with no ways on how to help you deal with them.

Sure there are books out there and some are really good places to start, but after that, we mono/open people are still scratching our heads and going “now what”? I have gone so far as to buy a workbook about how to deal with jealousy that is written by a poly counselor.  When I got to about the third or fourth page this person writes that if you are in a mono/poly relationship and you are a mono, the relationship is “doomed” (my word); and the writer’s advice is that you should not get involved with someone  who is not your relationship orientation.  Sorry luv, things happen and people cannot help who they fall in love with.  And if we do fall for a poly, then it’s our choice to try to make it work; and if we fall in love with someone who later wants to try poly, again it’s our choice to make it work.

 I would like to blog about what works for us and hopefully will work for you too.