Emotions Run Wild

While you are making lists, researching about polyamory while talking openly and honestly to your partner, you are going through some very heavy emotional roads.  It doesn’t matter if you are in a married/non-married live-in, or live-apart relationship. It doesn’t matter if your partner says that they’re poly after years of being mono or is poly and says that they want to have a relationship with yet another person; you are having the bombs of Armageddon going off in your head.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross came up with a model that is used to handle grief. It has seven stages:  Shock or disbelief, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Guilt, Depression, and Acceptance. Yes, it has to do originally with death and dying, but I believe that we go through some or all of these stages to some degree in relationships too.  For those whose partner has made the decision to become poly after being mono for many years, you’ll go through that shock stage.  You’ll think that they are joking with you. You’ll probably go through the denial stage too.  You’ll think that this is a “phase”, and that this is not happening.  You may get angry because of their decision.  In your mind you are thinking “how dare they do this to me!”  You may go through the other stages too: bargaining with them to try to keeps things the way they were, and setting up rules/boundaries; guilt by thinking that you did something wrong (you didn’t); depression by wishing that things would go back to the way they were.

For those whose poly partner says that they have an interest in another person, you also go through the stages but (my view) not all of them.  I feel that shock /disbelief and the denial stages are off the table because you already know that your partner is poly.  I would like to replace that with the “here we go again” stage. You are probably going through the anger phase too; but it would be something like “this is not fair”. Probably the bargaining stage too as you would be talking with your partner about reviewing or setting up rules/boundaries.  I also feel that that you would go through the guilt and depression stages as you feel guilty that you are allowing this to happen yet again (monogamy kicking in) and depressed that you are allowing yourself to feel this way.

I feel that we all go through the anger stage no matter what style of mono/poly relationship we are in. We feel that the dynamics of our relationship are going to change because someone new is joining the group.  Our insecurities kick in and we have more bombs going off in our heads. I strongly believe that this is when you need to sit down and talk to your partner about how you feel.  Tell your partner that you feel hurt, upset, angry, and any other feelings that you have.  Talk to your partner about how you and your partner, as a team, can address the issues that are upsetting to you.

The last stage of this model is acceptance. Are you willing to look outside of the box? Like I said before, being poly is who they are; just like being mono is who you are; and trying to change anyone will bring about serious issues. Are you able and willing to accept your partner for who they are?  They are the same person you love only with different beliefs/views on relationships.  I feel that relationships of any type take teamwork, and dealing with emotions is one aspect of teamwork.

Now on Facebook

I have created a page on Facebook for this blog.

www.facebook.com/pages/The-MonoPoly-Relationship-it-does-work/856189731129330?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

I figured that if you have any suggestions for a blog topic,an article that you wanted to share, or questions in general, this would be a good place to meet and talk.

Something to Think About – Both Mono and Poly

This past weekend, I had some friends up at the house.  As we were sitting having coffee, a discussion started about relationships.  My friend, H, was saying that she really doesn’t need anyone in her life on a full –time basis (she’s divorced for some time - mono).  As she was going on about this, I asked her, “When we were younger, (20 -30’s) we all had this mindset of having a partner in order to have kids or to fulfill a family expectation.  Then when we’re all older (40’s), it’s not a big deal to be married; so the thought of having a partner isn’t big on the list.  But when we hit retirement age (55 +), wouldn’t we want a partner to share retirement with and that you and your partner would take care of each other?  She stopped cold, looked at me and said that she never looked at it that way.  As she thought about it, H said that when she had major surgery and was laid up for six weeks, she had to scramble to find people who would help her walk her dog and go food shopping for her. 

The more I thought about this, I wondered how caring for each other when one becomes sick or has major surgery would work in a poly relationship of any type.  I have not seen this topic covered in any books, or blogs (that I’m aware of) so I’m going to tread into the waters.

For the sake of argument I am using the term poly to cover all types of poly relationships: poly/poly; mono/poly; and the like.  It may be a safe bet to say that if you are the primary partner in the relationship, your partner will be there for you.  What I am thinking about is you or your partner’s OSO’s.  What if they become sick, or have surgery that leaves them unable to get about for some time.  Or your partner becomes ill or has surgery and their OSO’s would like to see/help them?  Have you two or all of you together addressed this?

States have living wills and health care proxies.  What if your partner wants their OSO listed on them along, or not along, with you to make decisions if they are unable to?  Will you be comfortable with that?  And as the OSO – are you going to be comfortable knowing that you may not get first-hand information as you may not be allowed to be on the list of people who are allowed information? 

M and I went to a dinner where there was a poly trio there.  The guy had gotten out of the hospital the day before.  His OSO said that when she heard that he was in; she quickly packed a bag and headed over.  Everyone was comfortable with each other so needless to say his hospital stay was fine.  Seeing that we had only just met them, I was a bit reluctant to ask them about this topic.  As we were heading back after dinner, I asked M what his views were on this.  His answer was that he hoped that if the time comes where he is in the hospital, everyone would work together and get along.

Another thing that all you may want to discuss:  If you are keeping the mono/poly aspect of your relationship away from family and friends, how will you handle it when the OSO(s) show up?  The stress level is going to be high enough without scrambling to explain to Grandpa Joe who the other people involved are.  My family knows that M has lots of female friends, so it’s no biggie for them if someone shows affection towards M.

I personally have not gone through any of this, but I know that someday this will happen.  I also know that this topic is usually not covered, but let’s face it, these things do happen.  It’s not always lollipops and roses; and for me, it’s not an easy topic to discuss; but it is something to think about.

I haven't Disappeared

I'm sorry that I haven't blogged in a while.  New job and life got in the way.

HOWEVER, I am in the middle of writing something that is thought provoking and hopefully will have it up by this weekend.  I am also in the process of starting a Facebook page based on this blog.  As soon as it's up I'l let everyone know.

Hugs
Scarlett

The Poly Mono Letters

The topics that are going on mono/poly or just poly sites now are about how the poly person doesn’t understand why their mono/open partner isn’t agreeing with the poly’s line of thinking at the moment.  One couple recently moved to another state and the poly partner doesn’t understand why they were asked by their mono partner to stop looking for new people for a while so that they and their mono/poly partner can settle into their new surroundings.  The poly partner wasn’t asked to stop completely, just enough do help unpack and settle in.  The poly was posting/venting that this wasn’t fair to them.  Another poly partner can’t understand why their mono/open partner won’t agree to letting his new love move in with them as the mono/open partner feels uncomfortable living together in one house Kumbaya style.  I would like to address this in two letters:  One to the poly people, and the other to the mono/open people.

Poly Letter

Dear Poly People;

Some people like apples while others like oranges.  Some people like kink and others like vanilla.  You like the poly way of life while your partner likes the mono/open way of living.   Keep it in your head that it’s all good.  Your partner is not forcing you to jump back into monogamy, so don’t force them into poly-hood.  I have read many posts about how your mono partners “do not understand you”.  Believe my babes, they do; or else they would not be in the relationship with you.

 So your partner asked you to help settle in before seeking new loves.  If M and I moved to a new state and he got pissy because I asked him to help settle in (which I know he would not get pissy over that– not his nature), I know where to get salt peter which would be added to his food.  What’s the big deal in waiting?  Moving to a new state is unsettling to say the least.  You and your partner should work together to make each other feel safe and comfortable before you start looking for new loves.

 And you the “Kumbaya poly” who wants to move in the new love and is ticked that your mono/open partner isn’t agreeing to it – word of advice: do not move ahead with that plan.  M and I met a poly couple at a luncheon.  She was the poly and was there with her love.  Hubby – who was mono - stayed home with their children.  She told us that she told hubby (not discussed it) that she was opening up their relationship.  About a few months later she met her love.  She announced to hubby that the love was moving in – period.  For the children’s sake hubby is there and is tolerating it.  When M and I left the luncheon, we were upset that the hubby wasn’t included or was consulted in those plans.   To us that situation is a bomb waiting to go off. What you should do instead is ask your partner if they would be comfortable with all of you living in either the same apartment building/complex, or in a two family house.  You’re technically under the same roof, but each of you will have your own space.

With both situations though I have to ask: Besides the openness, honesty, and communication in a relationship, what happened to Respect?  Your mono/open partner deserves that too!  It’s not the “my way or the highway” attitude!  It’s a give and take and respect in any relationship!  Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss these things.  You may not get your own way; but that’s life.

Scarlett

Mono/Open Letter

Dear Mono/Open People;

Like I said before, compromise is not being a doormat.  Stand your ground!  You understand their poly wiring and you accept them for who they are.  Just because  you asked your partner to help you before looking for a love, or saying that you’re uncomfortable with their new love moving in with both of you is not “not understanding them”.

By you asking your poly partner to not look for a new love until both of you were settled in is not being unreasonable.  You wanted to work as a couple and be solid –as a couple - in this new situation before your partner added another person. Understandable.  They can’t use the poly card to get out of this one.  This is respect for each other. 

As for the moving the new love in with you deal:  You have your reasons which I hope you sat with your partner and explained that to them.  Having your poly partner constantly pushing this issue hoping that you give in is wrong.  Like I suggested in the poly letter, maybe you and your partner should discuss about the possibility of everyone living in the same apartment building/complex, or in a two family house.

Again, this has to do with respect to each other.  Both must sit and talk openly, honestly, and with respect.

Scarlett

Now I know that I was harder in one letter, but everyone should know that we all can’t get what we want in life.  If this was so, I would be living on a tropical island right now with an ice tea in my hand looking at the ocean.  All I’m asking is that we respect each other in our relationships.  Openness, honesty, communication, and respect.  Now where’s my ice tea? 

Kumbaya

So your partner has another partner, or is dating someone, and they feel that you and the OSO should be friends to make life easier.  They think that maybe all of you can go out together; you know the James Bond thing - a person on each arm. I call it the Kumbaya effect.

In your poly partner’s world, they feel that you and their other partner should become friends so that things like spending time between you and the OSO will be smoother.  Everybody will get along and we’ll all be smiley happy people. It’s just short of world peace to them.  But in our mono/open world, it’s a cross between “It may be do-able, to a point”, and the famous 1960’s cry of “Hell no! We won’t go!”  So the question is: Can we all get along as friends?

The answer to that is: it depends on if you like your partner’s other person.  You see, you have to understand your partner’s wiring.  They are wired to have more than one relationship and honestly don’t understand why us mono’s can’t be friends with everyone involved.  For us mono’s however, that’s like having everyone in your family getting along famously with no drama whatsoever.  It doesn’t exist in our realm of thinking due to our wiring. However, we can be friends with the OSO to a point.  Here’s where you and your partner talk about boundaries regarding said friendship.

M has a friend– I’ll call her Jill.  Jill and I know each other and get along well.  I have been to her house for a party and helped her set up for a garage sale.  All three of us have gone out for lunch at one time too.  Jill and M have discussed taking this friendship of theirs to the “friends with benefits” stage.  The original rules/boundaries that we have for other relationships still stay in place.  Yes, I’ll still stay friends with Jill but with limits.   Here’s where the new rules/boundaries regarding my friendship comes into play.  I won’t go out with both Jill and M because it would be awkward.  If M showed any display of affection towards Jill, I would become upset (jealousy monster); and if M showed any affection towards me, then I would feel bad for Jill.  However, I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her without M because I believe that we would be on the same field (sorry M), and she and I really do get along together.  M and I have discussed this and even though he’s not in total agreement, he understands my reasons/feelings behind this.  M said that Jill has some concerns about how taking her and M’s friendship to the next level may affect her and I still being friends.  I suggested that we all sit down and discuss all concerns, rules/boundaries so that we’re all in agreement.  Maybe you have met the OSO and would like to be friends to a certain level.  Then my advice would be for all to sit and talk and all be in agreement with it.

Now, what if you don’t want to have any dealings with your partner’s OSO? The “Hell no! We won’t go!” view? It’s perfectly ok to have that view, and your partner needs to understand and accept it.  After all, you’re not dating that person, your partner is, but they do impact your life whether you like it or not.  You don’t have to be friends.  Basically, you just have to tolerate them.  Yes, I said tolerate.  Not everything is rosey in mono/poly land.

A few years ago, M started a relationship with “Penny”.  Seeing that I didn’t know her, the meet after three dates rule applied.  From what M told me about Penny, I wasn’t thrilled with his choice.  A few days before the scheduled meet-up M says to me that Penny can’t wait to “Meet her competition (said with a laugh)”.  As I’m a huge Harry Potter fan, what went through my head when M said that was Hogwart’s school motto: Never tickle a sleeping dragon!  And I’m the dragon! When we all met, I brought up my concerns about her and their pending relationship, but said that they were adults and to do what they want within the rules/boundaries.  Just leave me out of the friend department thank you very much. I could have been evil and threw a fit whenever M and Penny met, but I didn’t. To be fair, I would roll my eyes whenever Penny’s name came up, and the hair on my head would bristle.  Hey, I’m not a saint by any means!  Once M said in a passing conversation that Penny’s only day off was on Saturday. Even though Saturdays is our time together, I offered to give up that day so M could see Penny (and no, I didn’t offer in a nasty way).  Things didn’t work between them but they do talk to each other every now and then.  Again, you and your partner need to have an open honest discussion as to why you won’t or don’t want to be friends with his OSO.

So can there be Kumbaya?  To a point yes there can be.  Can there be total Kumbaya?  In my book, only if there are people sitting around a campfire, roasting marshmallows, and someone brings out a guitar.

Do You Have to Air Your Laundry?

Not everyone knows about our relationship being mono/poly.  Most of M’s family knows that he’s poly, but not his co-workers.  Some of my friends know that M’s a poly, but not my family.  Do you have to air the laundry and tell everyone that you or your partner is poly? Nope.  Some things are better left unsaid.  You know mostly who you can trust and who will have the verbal diarrhea. I told a co-worker about M’s and my mono/poly status.  A few days later she posted something on my social media which read: “He said that he wanted an open relationship. So I threw him out the open window.  It will be an open casket, with an open bar after the funeral”.  The comment she posted with this was “I saw this and thought of you”.  She was trying to be funny, but I was upset by it and she did apologize. 

Not everyone can think outside the box, and that’s ok.  For me, I see lots of positive things by being in my relationship with M.  For others, they will see negative points.  I guess it’s the old half empty or half full glass thing.  So, you’ll have to ask yourself if you would like to air your laundry.

When I told some of my friends that we have this mono/poly relationship, I heard “what’s a poly”?  Then when I explained what it is, I got the following: “oh, justified cheating… so it’s another name for player… that’s not keeping with any religious teaching… and… isn’t it another term for let’s see other people with no commitment to anyone?”  I know that M heard a lot worse when he told people that he’s poly. 

Now I know that the books on poly do not cover whether or not you should tell people about your type of relationship.  However, Franklin Veaux on his More Than Two website recently posted his views on whether you should tell others of you are poly. So now I’m going to post my mono/open views.

If you feel that you are strong enough to constantly explain your relationship and get (mostly) negative feedback on it, then tell everyone.  My friends may not agree with this type of relationship for themselves, but they see how it works for us and therefore are supportive of M and me.  They have also taken parts from our relationship like the openness, honesty, and constant communication and have added it to their mono relationships.   I believe that our friends see the love, respect, and trust that M and I have for each other and are more open in accepting others having a mono/poly relationship. Telling your family may be another story in itself.

The reason why I haven’t told my family is that they aren’t supportive on most issues.  They are so in the box it’s scary!  I’ve always been out of the box on many things so I know about being “harassed” by family.  It has worn me down and has made me second guess myself in the past – hence my insecurities.  If you have a supportive family like M does, great! Tell away!  If you have a family like I do, or you’re not sure how they’ll react, then test the waters first.  Ask them what they think about shows on TV like Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating (personally I haven’t seen it as I don’t like reality TV).  If you get negative responses, then you can decide if you want to spoon feed parts about your relationship that you know they can handle.  For example, my dad belonged to a senior center where he loved playing bridge.  Some of his bridge partners were women.  They would call the house to see if Dad was planning to play that day and if he needed a ride home as my mom would drop him off there.  My mom knew these women too and would jokingly call them his girlfriends.  So seeing that my parents can relate to women friends, I can talk about M having female friends.  I don’t go any further and it works. 

Again, do you have to air your laundry with your family or with anyone? It’s your choice.  To quote a ‘60’s song: “It’s your thing. Do what you want to do.”