You No Like?

 Someone asked me about what to do if you do not like your partner’s choice of metamour.  They said that they are going with the “someday I’ll like that person and things will be rosey for everyone” hope.  While that could happen, I’ll go with the “not-in-my-lifetime” answer.  You see, just because my partner is poly, doesn’t mean I have to welcome every one of his OSO’s with open arms (although the majority of them I do like).  Does this mean that you have to take their choice of OSO like some bad tasting medicine?  Not really.  There are options out there that you can use.  I’ll run through the possible do’s and don’ts and put my two cents in about them.

First off, before you do anything regarding their relationship, you should do a self-check first.  Ask yourself; “Why don’t I like this person?”  Be truthful with your answer.  If your answer is/are that they are thinner, prettier, seem more polished than you, taking away from your time with your partner (to name a few), then you need to deal with your monsters before dealing with the other relationship.  Talk to your sweetie about your feelings.  If this is the main reason that you don’t like the other person, then by working on this may eventually bring you to the rosey for everyone stage. Remember that they are with you because of who you are.  Hey, these thoughts creep into my head too, but if M can put up with my hippie-dippie wild-child nature for over four years, and I know that we bring out the best in each other, I’m good with that.  Now if your answer to this question is: “because the other person is a well-known backstabbing user”; well then there other options for you to try as this comes under the not-in-my-lifetime column.

One option is you could use the veto card.  Some couples use this when they don’t like the OSO.  They will tell their partner that they don’t like the other person (reason given or not) so therefore the partner has to cut all ties with the OSO.  No questions asked; good-bye; the end.  While it sounds like a really good thing to do and it may give you personal satisfaction that you saved them from that evil person, I personally could never to that to M.  To me, that would cause hurt feelings and possibly anger and resentment from him.  If you think about this if you use the veto card, then it just makes that bad relationship even more enticing to you partner (think Romeo and Juliet for starters).  My take on this is not to use it.

Now the next options come under what I would call the Do’s and Don’ts of handling this situation.

DO express your feelings to your partner. If you see a red flag, then politely point it out to them.  “I’m sorry that you planned an afternoon to spend with them only for them to cancel at the last minute. That wasn’t fair to you.  It’s also upsetting to me that they have done this to you before.”   “It concerns me that they are starting/are in a relationship with you and they haven’t told their partner(s) about it yet.”  Be calm and not sarcastic in stating examples.  Sometimes they can’t see the forest from the trees and by pointing out things may make your partner see what you are seeing. 

DO setup or review your rules/boundaries.  You should have a general set of rules/boundaries that are in place for every relationship to begin with.  Review them again because both you and your sweetie’s safety is important.

DON’T come up with complete new set of rules/boundaries just for that OSO. Don’t change anything just for this relationship unless the OSO is unsafe regarding certain things.   This can be considered sabotage and the start of a major war between you two.

DO allow them time to meet up.  I know that this one’s a killer, but by doing this along with pointing out the red flags (not at the same time), your sweetie should (after a while) put two and two together and see the whole picture.

DON’T sabotage their time together.  Bitching when your partner is leaving to see “it”, eye rolling, constant texting your partner while they are together, and other things may cause that awful relationship to end (yay), but it will cause a war between you and your sweetie (nay).

If and when your partner and the horrible OSO split up, DON’T do the happy dance in front of them.  DON’T say the “I told you so” phrase either.  They know that you know so don’t throw it in front of your partner’s face.

DO be supportive of your partner at this time.  They may be upset that the relationship ended.  They may also be beating themselves up for not heeding those red flags.  Your partner and you too, may have learned something about yourselves and relationships in general through all this.

Is it difficult watching your partner be in a terrible relationship?  Yes it is because it’s someone who you care very deeply about going through this.  Can you change what’s happening? Maybe, but it’s not happening according to your time schedule. And sometimes that relationship may have to crash and burn for all involved.  M and I were involved in one of these horror OSOs and he knew that I was upset by it.  He asked me why I was so upset. I told him that it was frustrating to me because it was like two friends walking along on railroad tracks.  They hear the train coming and they see the headlight down the tracks. One friend gets off the track, but the other stays on.  The friend off the tracks keeps yelling that the train is coming and to get off the tracks; but the person is still walking the tracks.  They feel helpless that their friend is not getting off the tracks and the train is right upon them.  M’s response was that maybe the friend on the tracks needs to have that train wreak happen so that they can learn something.  Good point, but if everyone learns something positive from it then it’s a good thing.

Compersion Dance or Compersion to a Point

A while ago I came across this article: The 12 pillars of Polyamory for Everyone.

http://www.theglobalcatalyst.com/12-pillars-polyamory-everyone/

As I’m looking through the list I’m agreeing with every one of the pillars until I got to number 12 – compersion.  The definition (from both the Ethical Slut and More than Two) is: A feeling of joy experienced when a partner takes pleasure from another romantic or sexual relationship.  The definition that this article gives is: the idea that you can experience joy when someone you care about is happy, even if you’re not the source of that happiness.  While I do experience joy when someone I care about is happy, I would not call that compersion.  I call that just being happy.  The article didn’t do a good job about selling compersion in a relationship.  There’s a difference about being happy for someone and compersion. 

Now I understand that the word compersion was formed in the poly community along with its definition. I would guess that the word was formed to differentiate between being generally happy for someone and being happy for someone sexually.  However, we mono/open people don’t always have to do the complete compersion dance every time our partners find someone; and – much to the shock of the poly community – it’s ok to do so! We can take compersion to a point.

First off, you have to have compersion to some extent or else we would not be with our poly partners.  We know that this is who they are and that there will be others in our partner’s lives besides us.  If you’re tolerating it thinking that they will “grow out of it” or giving your partner grief over others, then I suggest you assess your relationship to see if it’s right for you.  But if you understand that this is who they are then you can do a little compersion dance when your partner finds another because – again – this is their wiring.  M has been friends for many years with D.  Recently they have sat down and talked about having a close friend relationship (right now no sex – their agreement).  They enjoy each other’s company and are happy going out together.  Our rule is that I would like to meet anyone M is interested in.  She’s good people and we all get along well too.  I have talked to M about this relationship and he appears to be happy about it; so if he’s happy, then I’m happy.  If and when they decide to take it to the next level, will I be doing the compersion dance?  The answer is:  I know that M would be happy and that I know D; but my mono wiring will kick in and I will have to deal with that. Normal stuff us mono/open people go through.  It’s compersion to a point.

Now you don’t have to do the compersion dance if you don’t like the person that your partner is with.  That’s ok too!  Just because the word compersion is out in the world doesn’t mean that we mono/open people have to embrace it fully.  The poly world would like everyone to fully understand and do the complete compersion dance.  I say do the compersion dance at your own pace. 

Emotions Run Wild

While you are making lists, researching about polyamory while talking openly and honestly to your partner, you are going through some very heavy emotional roads.  It doesn’t matter if you are in a married/non-married live-in, or live-apart relationship. It doesn’t matter if your partner says that they’re poly after years of being mono or is poly and says that they want to have a relationship with yet another person; you are having the bombs of Armageddon going off in your head.

Elisabeth Kubler-Ross came up with a model that is used to handle grief. It has seven stages:  Shock or disbelief, Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Guilt, Depression, and Acceptance. Yes, it has to do originally with death and dying, but I believe that we go through some or all of these stages to some degree in relationships too.  For those whose partner has made the decision to become poly after being mono for many years, you’ll go through that shock stage.  You’ll think that they are joking with you. You’ll probably go through the denial stage too.  You’ll think that this is a “phase”, and that this is not happening.  You may get angry because of their decision.  In your mind you are thinking “how dare they do this to me!”  You may go through the other stages too: bargaining with them to try to keeps things the way they were, and setting up rules/boundaries; guilt by thinking that you did something wrong (you didn’t); depression by wishing that things would go back to the way they were.

For those whose poly partner says that they have an interest in another person, you also go through the stages but (my view) not all of them.  I feel that shock /disbelief and the denial stages are off the table because you already know that your partner is poly.  I would like to replace that with the “here we go again” stage. You are probably going through the anger phase too; but it would be something like “this is not fair”. Probably the bargaining stage too as you would be talking with your partner about reviewing or setting up rules/boundaries.  I also feel that that you would go through the guilt and depression stages as you feel guilty that you are allowing this to happen yet again (monogamy kicking in) and depressed that you are allowing yourself to feel this way.

I feel that we all go through the anger stage no matter what style of mono/poly relationship we are in. We feel that the dynamics of our relationship are going to change because someone new is joining the group.  Our insecurities kick in and we have more bombs going off in our heads. I strongly believe that this is when you need to sit down and talk to your partner about how you feel.  Tell your partner that you feel hurt, upset, angry, and any other feelings that you have.  Talk to your partner about how you and your partner, as a team, can address the issues that are upsetting to you.

The last stage of this model is acceptance. Are you willing to look outside of the box? Like I said before, being poly is who they are; just like being mono is who you are; and trying to change anyone will bring about serious issues. Are you able and willing to accept your partner for who they are?  They are the same person you love only with different beliefs/views on relationships.  I feel that relationships of any type take teamwork, and dealing with emotions is one aspect of teamwork.

Now on Facebook

I have created a page on Facebook for this blog.

www.facebook.com/pages/The-MonoPoly-Relationship-it-does-work/856189731129330?ref=aymt_homepage_panel

I figured that if you have any suggestions for a blog topic,an article that you wanted to share, or questions in general, this would be a good place to meet and talk.

Something to Think About – Both Mono and Poly

This past weekend, I had some friends up at the house.  As we were sitting having coffee, a discussion started about relationships.  My friend, H, was saying that she really doesn’t need anyone in her life on a full –time basis (she’s divorced for some time - mono).  As she was going on about this, I asked her, “When we were younger, (20 -30’s) we all had this mindset of having a partner in order to have kids or to fulfill a family expectation.  Then when we’re all older (40’s), it’s not a big deal to be married; so the thought of having a partner isn’t big on the list.  But when we hit retirement age (55 +), wouldn’t we want a partner to share retirement with and that you and your partner would take care of each other?  She stopped cold, looked at me and said that she never looked at it that way.  As she thought about it, H said that when she had major surgery and was laid up for six weeks, she had to scramble to find people who would help her walk her dog and go food shopping for her. 

The more I thought about this, I wondered how caring for each other when one becomes sick or has major surgery would work in a poly relationship of any type.  I have not seen this topic covered in any books, or blogs (that I’m aware of) so I’m going to tread into the waters.

For the sake of argument I am using the term poly to cover all types of poly relationships: poly/poly; mono/poly; and the like.  It may be a safe bet to say that if you are the primary partner in the relationship, your partner will be there for you.  What I am thinking about is you or your partner’s OSO’s.  What if they become sick, or have surgery that leaves them unable to get about for some time.  Or your partner becomes ill or has surgery and their OSO’s would like to see/help them?  Have you two or all of you together addressed this?

States have living wills and health care proxies.  What if your partner wants their OSO listed on them along, or not along, with you to make decisions if they are unable to?  Will you be comfortable with that?  And as the OSO – are you going to be comfortable knowing that you may not get first-hand information as you may not be allowed to be on the list of people who are allowed information? 

M and I went to a dinner where there was a poly trio there.  The guy had gotten out of the hospital the day before.  His OSO said that when she heard that he was in; she quickly packed a bag and headed over.  Everyone was comfortable with each other so needless to say his hospital stay was fine.  Seeing that we had only just met them, I was a bit reluctant to ask them about this topic.  As we were heading back after dinner, I asked M what his views were on this.  His answer was that he hoped that if the time comes where he is in the hospital, everyone would work together and get along.

Another thing that all you may want to discuss:  If you are keeping the mono/poly aspect of your relationship away from family and friends, how will you handle it when the OSO(s) show up?  The stress level is going to be high enough without scrambling to explain to Grandpa Joe who the other people involved are.  My family knows that M has lots of female friends, so it’s no biggie for them if someone shows affection towards M.

I personally have not gone through any of this, but I know that someday this will happen.  I also know that this topic is usually not covered, but let’s face it, these things do happen.  It’s not always lollipops and roses; and for me, it’s not an easy topic to discuss; but it is something to think about.

I haven't Disappeared

I'm sorry that I haven't blogged in a while.  New job and life got in the way.

HOWEVER, I am in the middle of writing something that is thought provoking and hopefully will have it up by this weekend.  I am also in the process of starting a Facebook page based on this blog.  As soon as it's up I'l let everyone know.

Hugs
Scarlett

The Poly Mono Letters

The topics that are going on mono/poly or just poly sites now are about how the poly person doesn’t understand why their mono/open partner isn’t agreeing with the poly’s line of thinking at the moment.  One couple recently moved to another state and the poly partner doesn’t understand why they were asked by their mono partner to stop looking for new people for a while so that they and their mono/poly partner can settle into their new surroundings.  The poly partner wasn’t asked to stop completely, just enough do help unpack and settle in.  The poly was posting/venting that this wasn’t fair to them.  Another poly partner can’t understand why their mono/open partner won’t agree to letting his new love move in with them as the mono/open partner feels uncomfortable living together in one house Kumbaya style.  I would like to address this in two letters:  One to the poly people, and the other to the mono/open people.

Poly Letter

Dear Poly People;

Some people like apples while others like oranges.  Some people like kink and others like vanilla.  You like the poly way of life while your partner likes the mono/open way of living.   Keep it in your head that it’s all good.  Your partner is not forcing you to jump back into monogamy, so don’t force them into poly-hood.  I have read many posts about how your mono partners “do not understand you”.  Believe my babes, they do; or else they would not be in the relationship with you.

 So your partner asked you to help settle in before seeking new loves.  If M and I moved to a new state and he got pissy because I asked him to help settle in (which I know he would not get pissy over that– not his nature), I know where to get salt peter which would be added to his food.  What’s the big deal in waiting?  Moving to a new state is unsettling to say the least.  You and your partner should work together to make each other feel safe and comfortable before you start looking for new loves.

 And you the “Kumbaya poly” who wants to move in the new love and is ticked that your mono/open partner isn’t agreeing to it – word of advice: do not move ahead with that plan.  M and I met a poly couple at a luncheon.  She was the poly and was there with her love.  Hubby – who was mono - stayed home with their children.  She told us that she told hubby (not discussed it) that she was opening up their relationship.  About a few months later she met her love.  She announced to hubby that the love was moving in – period.  For the children’s sake hubby is there and is tolerating it.  When M and I left the luncheon, we were upset that the hubby wasn’t included or was consulted in those plans.   To us that situation is a bomb waiting to go off. What you should do instead is ask your partner if they would be comfortable with all of you living in either the same apartment building/complex, or in a two family house.  You’re technically under the same roof, but each of you will have your own space.

With both situations though I have to ask: Besides the openness, honesty, and communication in a relationship, what happened to Respect?  Your mono/open partner deserves that too!  It’s not the “my way or the highway” attitude!  It’s a give and take and respect in any relationship!  Sit down with your partner and calmly discuss these things.  You may not get your own way; but that’s life.

Scarlett

Mono/Open Letter

Dear Mono/Open People;

Like I said before, compromise is not being a doormat.  Stand your ground!  You understand their poly wiring and you accept them for who they are.  Just because  you asked your partner to help you before looking for a love, or saying that you’re uncomfortable with their new love moving in with both of you is not “not understanding them”.

By you asking your poly partner to not look for a new love until both of you were settled in is not being unreasonable.  You wanted to work as a couple and be solid –as a couple - in this new situation before your partner added another person. Understandable.  They can’t use the poly card to get out of this one.  This is respect for each other. 

As for the moving the new love in with you deal:  You have your reasons which I hope you sat with your partner and explained that to them.  Having your poly partner constantly pushing this issue hoping that you give in is wrong.  Like I suggested in the poly letter, maybe you and your partner should discuss about the possibility of everyone living in the same apartment building/complex, or in a two family house.

Again, this has to do with respect to each other.  Both must sit and talk openly, honestly, and with respect.

Scarlett

Now I know that I was harder in one letter, but everyone should know that we all can’t get what we want in life.  If this was so, I would be living on a tropical island right now with an ice tea in my hand looking at the ocean.  All I’m asking is that we respect each other in our relationships.  Openness, honesty, communication, and respect.  Now where’s my ice tea? 

Kumbaya

So your partner has another partner, or is dating someone, and they feel that you and the OSO should be friends to make life easier.  They think that maybe all of you can go out together; you know the James Bond thing - a person on each arm. I call it the Kumbaya effect.

In your poly partner’s world, they feel that you and their other partner should become friends so that things like spending time between you and the OSO will be smoother.  Everybody will get along and we’ll all be smiley happy people. It’s just short of world peace to them.  But in our mono/open world, it’s a cross between “It may be do-able, to a point”, and the famous 1960’s cry of “Hell no! We won’t go!”  So the question is: Can we all get along as friends?

The answer to that is: it depends on if you like your partner’s other person.  You see, you have to understand your partner’s wiring.  They are wired to have more than one relationship and honestly don’t understand why us mono’s can’t be friends with everyone involved.  For us mono’s however, that’s like having everyone in your family getting along famously with no drama whatsoever.  It doesn’t exist in our realm of thinking due to our wiring. However, we can be friends with the OSO to a point.  Here’s where you and your partner talk about boundaries regarding said friendship.

M has a friend– I’ll call her Jill.  Jill and I know each other and get along well.  I have been to her house for a party and helped her set up for a garage sale.  All three of us have gone out for lunch at one time too.  Jill and M have discussed taking this friendship of theirs to the “friends with benefits” stage.  The original rules/boundaries that we have for other relationships still stay in place.  Yes, I’ll still stay friends with Jill but with limits.   Here’s where the new rules/boundaries regarding my friendship comes into play.  I won’t go out with both Jill and M because it would be awkward.  If M showed any display of affection towards Jill, I would become upset (jealousy monster); and if M showed any affection towards me, then I would feel bad for Jill.  However, I wouldn’t mind hanging out with her without M because I believe that we would be on the same field (sorry M), and she and I really do get along together.  M and I have discussed this and even though he’s not in total agreement, he understands my reasons/feelings behind this.  M said that Jill has some concerns about how taking her and M’s friendship to the next level may affect her and I still being friends.  I suggested that we all sit down and discuss all concerns, rules/boundaries so that we’re all in agreement.  Maybe you have met the OSO and would like to be friends to a certain level.  Then my advice would be for all to sit and talk and all be in agreement with it.

Now, what if you don’t want to have any dealings with your partner’s OSO? The “Hell no! We won’t go!” view? It’s perfectly ok to have that view, and your partner needs to understand and accept it.  After all, you’re not dating that person, your partner is, but they do impact your life whether you like it or not.  You don’t have to be friends.  Basically, you just have to tolerate them.  Yes, I said tolerate.  Not everything is rosey in mono/poly land.

A few years ago, M started a relationship with “Penny”.  Seeing that I didn’t know her, the meet after three dates rule applied.  From what M told me about Penny, I wasn’t thrilled with his choice.  A few days before the scheduled meet-up M says to me that Penny can’t wait to “Meet her competition (said with a laugh)”.  As I’m a huge Harry Potter fan, what went through my head when M said that was Hogwart’s school motto: Never tickle a sleeping dragon!  And I’m the dragon! When we all met, I brought up my concerns about her and their pending relationship, but said that they were adults and to do what they want within the rules/boundaries.  Just leave me out of the friend department thank you very much. I could have been evil and threw a fit whenever M and Penny met, but I didn’t. To be fair, I would roll my eyes whenever Penny’s name came up, and the hair on my head would bristle.  Hey, I’m not a saint by any means!  Once M said in a passing conversation that Penny’s only day off was on Saturday. Even though Saturdays is our time together, I offered to give up that day so M could see Penny (and no, I didn’t offer in a nasty way).  Things didn’t work between them but they do talk to each other every now and then.  Again, you and your partner need to have an open honest discussion as to why you won’t or don’t want to be friends with his OSO.

So can there be Kumbaya?  To a point yes there can be.  Can there be total Kumbaya?  In my book, only if there are people sitting around a campfire, roasting marshmallows, and someone brings out a guitar.

Do You Have to Air Your Laundry?

Not everyone knows about our relationship being mono/poly.  Most of M’s family knows that he’s poly, but not his co-workers.  Some of my friends know that M’s a poly, but not my family.  Do you have to air the laundry and tell everyone that you or your partner is poly? Nope.  Some things are better left unsaid.  You know mostly who you can trust and who will have the verbal diarrhea. I told a co-worker about M’s and my mono/poly status.  A few days later she posted something on my social media which read: “He said that he wanted an open relationship. So I threw him out the open window.  It will be an open casket, with an open bar after the funeral”.  The comment she posted with this was “I saw this and thought of you”.  She was trying to be funny, but I was upset by it and she did apologize. 

Not everyone can think outside the box, and that’s ok.  For me, I see lots of positive things by being in my relationship with M.  For others, they will see negative points.  I guess it’s the old half empty or half full glass thing.  So, you’ll have to ask yourself if you would like to air your laundry.

When I told some of my friends that we have this mono/poly relationship, I heard “what’s a poly”?  Then when I explained what it is, I got the following: “oh, justified cheating… so it’s another name for player… that’s not keeping with any religious teaching… and… isn’t it another term for let’s see other people with no commitment to anyone?”  I know that M heard a lot worse when he told people that he’s poly. 

Now I know that the books on poly do not cover whether or not you should tell people about your type of relationship.  However, Franklin Veaux on his More Than Two website recently posted his views on whether you should tell others of you are poly. So now I’m going to post my mono/open views.

If you feel that you are strong enough to constantly explain your relationship and get (mostly) negative feedback on it, then tell everyone.  My friends may not agree with this type of relationship for themselves, but they see how it works for us and therefore are supportive of M and me.  They have also taken parts from our relationship like the openness, honesty, and constant communication and have added it to their mono relationships.   I believe that our friends see the love, respect, and trust that M and I have for each other and are more open in accepting others having a mono/poly relationship. Telling your family may be another story in itself.

The reason why I haven’t told my family is that they aren’t supportive on most issues.  They are so in the box it’s scary!  I’ve always been out of the box on many things so I know about being “harassed” by family.  It has worn me down and has made me second guess myself in the past – hence my insecurities.  If you have a supportive family like M does, great! Tell away!  If you have a family like I do, or you’re not sure how they’ll react, then test the waters first.  Ask them what they think about shows on TV like Showtime’s Polyamory: Married and Dating (personally I haven’t seen it as I don’t like reality TV).  If you get negative responses, then you can decide if you want to spoon feed parts about your relationship that you know they can handle.  For example, my dad belonged to a senior center where he loved playing bridge.  Some of his bridge partners were women.  They would call the house to see if Dad was planning to play that day and if he needed a ride home as my mom would drop him off there.  My mom knew these women too and would jokingly call them his girlfriends.  So seeing that my parents can relate to women friends, I can talk about M having female friends.  I don’t go any further and it works. 

Again, do you have to air your laundry with your family or with anyone? It’s your choice.  To quote a ‘60’s song: “It’s your thing. Do what you want to do.”

The Jealousy Monster and How to Deal With It

Jealousy occurs in any type of relationship.  It can happen in a traditional monogamous relationship, the poly/poly relationship as well as an open/ mono/poly relationship.  Jealousy can be defined as a state of fear, suspicion or envy caused by a real or imagined threat.  There are many different ways to deal with this monster too; the object is to find one that works for you.

First, let’s deal with the jealousy monster first. Being the monos in our relationships, we have a lot to deal with.  We have to deal with our mono wiring and undo/relearn/rethink everything about relationships.  So while we’re trying to handle this new aspect of our lives, the jealousy monster sees it as a perfect opportunity to enter the picture.

What happens to you when you become jealous?  According to Kathy Labriola’s  paper, Unmasking the Green Eyed Monster: Managing Jealousy In Open Relationships, she writes: “Jealousy can manifest as anger, fear, hurt, betrayal, anxiety, agitation, sadness, paranoia, depression, loneliness, envy, coveting, feeling powerless, feeling inadequate, feeling excluded.”  That’s a big monster; and it could become bigger if we allow it to!  The key words here are IF WE ALLOW IT TO!  Let’s look at the definition and manifestations of jealousy so we can understand it.

Ok, the definition starts out as jealousy can be defined as a state of fear. Ask yourself, fear of what? Being completely replaced by another?  Dropping down the corporate ladder to being number two?  That the other person is smarter, has a better build, is cuter, or better in other things than you? Everyone has those fears myself included. The definition goes on to say that those fears are caused by a real or imagined threat.  Is what you fear in this relationship real?  Have you been completely replaced?  Dropped down that ladder to the second rung? What about the other person?  Are they your fears in person?  In the beginning of our relationship, I was afraid of dropping down a few rungs and/or being replaced completely.  That’s no longer there.  I know that it was an imagined thing.  The smarter, cuter, better thing is still there even though I know that it’s an imagined threat to me too. Now get in touch of what happens to you when these fears enter your head. For me it’s hurt, sadness, anger (at myself for allowing these thoughts in my head) to name a few.

So now we know what’s making us jealous and what happens when we do.  What we have to do is confront jealousy so we don’t go into flying fits of rage like Godzilla whenever our partner goes out with someone else. Some articles that I looked at suggest on owning up to your feelings.  Ok, so I get some form of jealousy from time to time whenever M goes out with someone.  Yea, I owned up.  I got some jealousy going.  They’re my feelings not his.  Now what?  Actually no matter how you deal with jealousy, you will have to be honest with yourself.  So now we’re dealing with the jealousy monster and the ouchies.   Well suit up people cause this is going to get real.

So how do I deal with the jealousy monster?  I do the two year old child thing.  I keep asking myself WHY.  Why am I upset that M is out tonight? Answer: I’m home alone and he’s out with someone. Why are you home alone? Well, I could call up some friends and go out too. Or I could go out to the local bookstore for coffee and look at books.  Ok, that could work (see blog titled Me Time). Another answer: She could turn out to be that smarter, better person at everything than me. Why do you think that? My own insecurities are to blame.  I could ask to meet her to calm my fears.  After all we did agree for me to meet anyone new after the third date if I don’t know them already. And I know that I eat well, exercise, take care of myself and love to do things, so again it’s my insecurities kicking in. Another answer (probably my main answer): He’ll be having sex and it’s not with me.  Why does that bother you? My mono wiring and my religious upbringing are to blame for this one. I can undo the upbringing part but the mono wiring can’t be undone for me so I’ll have to deal with that. But the real thing in dealing with jealousy is trust and action because there are times that even doing this why thing doesn’t cut it.

Trust and action are strong words.  They are the key to deal with the jealousy monster.  I believe that there has to be trust and action in any relationship. Trust and action takes two people: you to trust your partner; and your partner’s actions to make you trust them.  Like I said earlier, I use to think that I would be replaced or dropped down a few rungs.  No more.  Why?  I trust M when he says that our relationship is solid and he’s in it for the long haul. I know that it is solid and we’re in it all the way.  We exchanged commitment rings. We accept each other for who we are and support each other’s choices.  We are always there for each other and have shown that to each other countless times.  Trust can come easy for some people or – like me – it has to come with time as I have serious trust issues.  If you’re like me and it takes time, ask your partner to give you reassurance that everything is fine.  One Valentine’s Day M wrote this beautiful card on what he likes about our relationship.  I framed it and it sits on my dresser.  Whenever that jealousy monster creeps in and the why thing doesn’t work, I will read that letter.  That works for me.

 Still have those trust issues and that jealousy monster is kicking in?  This is what I call the last resort.   Imagine yourself trapped on the second floor of a fiery building.  Your partner is outside yelling for you to jump and that they will catch you.  Will you jump?  I asked this to a friend of mine when she was having jealousy issues with her boyfriend.  Her answer was yes she would jump.  Well, if you trust your partner to catch you, why wouldn’t you trust them in other situations? By the way, I would jump too; no problem.  Trust is like poison to the jealousy monster.

These are the ones that work for me.  The goal to taming the jealousy monster is to find what works for you. Jealousy is normal, it’s how we deal with it that makes or breaks a relationship.

Semantics

I don’t like it that M goes on “dates” with others.  However, I don’t mind if he goes “out for dinner” or “invites someone over to his place for dinner”.  Why?  It’s the same thing isn’t it?  Yes, but it’s the words that make me feel better about it.  Everyone feels uncomfortable about things.  It’s the way that they’re worded that makes it easier to deal with.  It’s like Monty Python’s Black Knight saying that his amputated limbs are flesh wounds; or the scene in the Mel Brook’s movie Men in Tights where the Sheriff of Rottingham laughingly tells the king the bad news so it doesn’t sound so horrible.  Look, our mono/open wiring makes it sometimes difficult for us to handle that we have a poly partner; do we have to add words that also make it uncomfortable for us too?

M and I were discussing at one time about him going out with someone, and each of us used different words to describe it.  We were holding fast to the words that we used and agreed that it was a matter of semantics.  He didn’t think that it was a date; rather that it was “going out with someone”.  I thought that it was a date, but I didn't like using that word “date”.  We talked about what “date” meant to each of us.  We agreed that yes, it was a date, but that word made us both uncomfortable.  So now we both feel comfortable using the phrase “I’m going out to dinner/whatever with someone”. By us using the “I’m going to dinner” phrase, it could be just that.  At times it’s just M and someone having only dinner; and sometimes it’s not.  

 I also have a comfortable phrase that I use if I go somewhere and someone asks where M is.  I use “He had other plans for the evening” and that seems to go well.  Those who know that we are mono/poly understands that it means M is with someone else, and those that don’t know just go with the phrase itself.

I know that it’s hard knowing that your partner is out with someone else, so let’s try to make it easier on ourselves by calling it something that we feel comfortable with.  If you know that your partner sees their other every (let’s say) Wednesday, how about calling it Greg’s (or Linda’s) night out?  Talk to your partner about what to call their time with their other person.  By talking and agreeing to a word or a phrase that you both use, it should help you be more comfortable when your poly partner goes out.

Polyamory is Not the New Word for Cheating

Like I’ve written before, I’m on few mono/poly groups.  What I’ve been reading in some of these groups lately is that a few people posting about having caught their partners having an affair and that the partner is using the “I’m a poly” card.  Nope; sorry; not buying it!  What that person is, is a cheater who got busted!

In my post “Me Time”, I talked about M and I attending a talk about polyamory. Now I know that there are different definitions about polyamory,  but everyone in the poly community tends to agree on one thing; and that is if you do not tell your partner about the person you want to see and you go ahead to see them, then that is cheating period.  End of story.  Now your partner may be an honest to goodness poly, but not telling you about their newest relationship is cheating.

If your partner doesn’t tell you about a relationship beforehand, to me, speaks volumes. In my book, by not talking about the new relationship before it happens, you are saying to your partner that you really don’t care about their feelings. Relationships should have these major key ingredients which are openness, honesty, and communication.  Whether you are in a relationship that you want to open up, or like me who is in a mono/poly one, you need to talk about other relationships before they happen.  M and I have talked about when to tell me when he is going to start seeing another person.  After much discussion and my usual thing of “if the situation was reversed, how would you feel,” we agreed upon me knowing before the first date.  Maybe you would like to know after a few dates and that’s fine, but that is up to you and your partner to decide before anything happens.

Just like everything else out there, there are people who play by the rules and those who don’t.  Using the poly card “when caught”is not in the rules.

WTF!!!

I know that on my blog introduction that I said that I would give my advice on how to make a mono/poly/open relationship work.  But right now I am going to vent a little and still give some advice to boot.

From time to time I go back and re-read parts from the polyamory books.  I do this for my own self-assurance.  Yes, I know that I always talk things over - sometimes to death - with M, but there are times that you need to see or hear it somewhere else.  Anyway, I was looking over the chapter about nurturing relationships in More Than Two, and I came across a story about how relationships change.  The story is about a friend of Franklin’s whose husband didn't like sushi.  The wife tried for some time to get him to try it; but he refused saying “he was not interested in raw fish strapped to rice with electrical tape”.  The wife gave up trying to get hubby to try sushi.  Hubby (who is poly) starts dating a new person who also likes sushi.  This new person asks him to go to a sushi place.  Instead of refusing, he goes, tries it, and is now a fan of sushi.  The story goes on to say that the wife is not a happy camper because she had tried to get him to try sushi and he refused, but he tried it for the first time with someone else.  Franklin goes on to write that while the primary partner’s feelings got hurt because they should be the ones who should share experiences first, people do change and not in the ways or times that we would like them to. 

First off I would like to say that on Franklin’s more than two website he writes about another scenario like this and says that while he would not be upset if his partner tried something new and brought it back to him, his feelings towards this is not the norm. I would also like to state that More Than Two is an excellent book and I do recommend it for people to read. That being said, I will move on.

My take on this is that hubby should bow his head in shame for not sharing this experience with his wife.  She had been trying to get him to do this for months on end and he refused. Now because that cute new person asked you, you tried it?  What, to impress her?  I wonder if this happened when hubby broke the news to wifey.  Hey Judy (not their real names)!  Guess what!  I went with Jean to that Japanese place and had some sushi.  You were right!  It really is good! Judy, why do you have that frying pan in your hands and screaming die hubby die?  I wonder if the wife can look at sushi in the same light again.  Yes, she can say that she’s glad that he’ll go with her for sushi from now on, but knowing the reason for him liking it can be difficult to get over. I feel what hubby should have done was to say to himself, “Gee, both of them like sushi.  I can do two things.  One is to tell the new person that I don’t like sushi just like I tell my wife.  Or two, I’ll go with the wife and try sushi seeing that she has been asking me for some time to try it.”

 I had a similar experience with M.  One summer, we were asked on numerous occasions to go kayaking.  I’ve never been so I was eager to try it.  M, on the other hand, kept saying that he used to do it but wasn’t interested.  We talked about it and I let it go because he wasn’t interested in going. M was starting to see an old friend of his last summer.  They went out for dinner one night and she said that she would like to go kayaking and had two kayaks.  He said that he would be into it.  M called me afterwards and told me about the possibility of them going kayaking.  I blew a fit over the phone. Actually, blowing a fit may be understated. An atomic explosion would be more like it. I started yelling, “How can you go kayaking with her when I have asked you many times and you said no,” along with the famous battle cries that everyone gives of “It’s not fair!” and “What the fuck!”  I told M that I felt hurt and how would he feel if the situation was reversed.  After I had calmed down, we talked about it.  M agreed that he too would be hurt had the situation been reversed.  We came to an understanding that we would do more new things together.  As an aside, things didn’t work out and they didn’t go kayaking. However because of this situation, M and I came to a good level/change in our relationship.  Kayaking is on our “to do” list for the summer.

I remember when I started going with M four years ago; I went on a poly site which I can’t find now.  On this site there was an article written by a guy about “How to ruin a relationship if you are a poly”.  In it the guy writes that one way to ruin a relationship is to do something with the other person that your main partner has asked you to do and you refused.  Another is to tell your main partner that you learned something from your other person and that you would like to try it with them.  While I agree with both statements, the second one doesn't have to be a deal breaker if you modify it a bit.

In the article the example that the author gave on how to ruin a relationship was the poly person saying to his primary partner, “Honey, I learned this really great sex move from Molly and thought that you would like trying it.”  Trust me, if I heard that sentence from M, he better run fast and hide all the frying pans. You want to sneak it in without saying anything, great as we are always trying out different things; but don’t tell me where you got it from. But, if M said that the person he’s seeing would like to go and do something that we haven’t thought of doing, then I would be open to hearing about it and possibly asking if he and I could do it too some time.  In my blog titled “Rules/Boundaries”, I mentioned that M was seeing someone who liked to go to horse races.  I never thought of attending a horse race so I never suggested that idea to him.  When M told me about being asked to go, I didn’t get upset that he was doing something new without me.  I told him to have a good time. When he got home, he called and told me that he had a blast.  He asked if I would be open to going to a horse race some time to which I said yes.  M did something new without me and it didn't ruin our relationship.

I guess I have two pieces of advice to give you.  Advice number one is for the poly partner.  Think before you try something new.  If it is something that your main partner has been asking for you to do, then try it with them first. If the situation was reversed, I bet that you would not be doing handstands.  It will also avoid a lot of hurt feelings.  Advice number two is for the mono/open person.  If your partner tries something new with the new person (and it’s something that you haven’t thought of) don’t be upset.  It could be something that you two can do together and enjoy.